It is terrifying that such horrible, guilt-tripping, manipulative parents even exist:
Note how the vicious animal includes the poor kid in the “we.” Instead of saying, “I’m a worthless lover and my partner tired of me but that should have no influence on your relationship with your father”, she pushes the guilt onto the completely innocent child. Now the kid will have to carry the burden of the Mommy’s sexual failures. This will certainly do wonders for the kid’s own personal life when he grows up.
So no, stupid insect, you don’t HAVE to tell this idiotic lie to your miserable child. You can learn to be a good parent and not burden the child with your sexual issues. You could even go as far as sticking your cheap resentment deep into your anal cavity and try to see that a child’s relationship with his or her father should not be put at risk because you are offended in your silly little vanity. What kind of a freakazoid punishes a little kid for having a crappy relationship with that kid’s father?
I found the postcard here but I don’t in the least identify with the OP’s compassion for this disgusting creature. Beating up on small children in revenge for the sins of others is a horrible thing to do. It’s easy because the children can’t defend themselves but it is inexcusable.
It is curious that the kid’s face is plastered over with the text of the mother’s hysteria. For this kind of mother, a child is not a person. He is not a human being who has a face and a life of his own. He is, rather, a faceless object that can be manipulated and kicked around like a senseless toy. The child is nothing but a tool used to manipulate somebody else, a baseball bat to bludgeon his father. His feelings are neither referenced nor consulted.
I look at this small child whose face is hardly visible and whom I never met in my life and I know that I would never be able to make such a cruel comment about the boy’s father to his face. The father might be all kinds of jerk (or not, who knows?) but I wouldn’t be able to bad-mouth him to the kid. Neither would I tell the boy all I think about his mother because I can’t hurt a human being in this way. What is so shocking to me is that there are parents – I have actually met them – who don’t bat an eye-lash before heaping abuse on their own children’s other parent. Do they have no idea how hurtful and damaging such comments are? The idiot Mommy in this post-card will have a crowd of men in her life but the boy will never ever EVER have another father.
P.S. In case the tone of the post left something unclear, anybody who tries to defend this kind of parents will be eviscerated. I’m sure there are many places where you can celebrate this kind of attitude but this blog is not one of them.
Clarissa's Blog 
Ok, let the eviscerated begin. Perhaps the mother never intends to say these things to the child but wants the father to at least think of the mess he has left behind.
Also people say a lot of shit they never carry through. By the time the child is old enough to understand hopefully the heat will have left the situation and she will realise that it would be very inappropriate to carry through with this idiotic idea.
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“Also people say a lot of shit they never carry through. By the time the child is old enough to understand hopefully the heat will have left the situation and she will realise that it would be very inappropriate to carry through with this idiotic idea.”
– Children of this age are extremely sensitive to every shade of the parents’ (or care-taking adults’) emotional state. You cannot conceal this type of rage from a small child. Of course, the woman will get over this guy and find 100 other guys extremely soon. Yet there is no indication that she will stop treating the child as an object even when that child is 60.
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I think your a bit harsh! But then you frequently are 🙂
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Today, I graded 6 final essays. Each took about an hour. Each had between 30 and 256 mistakes. I corrected all the mistakes, created a table for each student where mistakes were broken down according to different categories, and wrote a list of suggestions how this could be improved. I work this way with every one of my 99 students this semester. And the improvement is striking.
Of course, after all of this I’m harsh on my blog. Surprise, surprise! 🙂 🙂
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I do hate it when divorced parents tear each other down in front of their kids. (My sister and her ex do this constantly.) It puts the kids in an awful position of choosing between the parents. It’s mean and uncalled for. Leave your kids out of your personal relationship!
Besides, kids are smart. If they have a parent who sucks, they figure that out on their own. A parent who puts down the other parent will also seem sucky to those kids, and the parent’s strategy of winning undying loyalty from the kids will backfire. Massively.
I will say, though, that you make it seem like the reason why a man would cheat is because the wife can’t satisfy him in bed. I disagree. Some people cheat despite being satisfied in bed by their partner. Other factors are in play in cheating besides sexual urges. (So I have been told and witnessed in LOTS of cases.)
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“I will say, though, that you make it seem like the reason why a man would cheat is because the wife can’t satisfy him in bed. I disagree. Some people cheat despite being satisfied in bed by their partner. Other factors are in play in cheating besides sexual urges. (So I have been told and witnessed in LOTS of cases.)”
– Yes, good point. He might have just left because she is a horrible person, as evidenced by the postcard. Even the best sex in the universe would not make me put up with a vicious creature like this who’d hurt my child on purpose.
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Some people just like to share, everything. If the culture wasnt so uptight then maybe it wouldnt be cheating but joining. 😉
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“I will say, though, that you make it seem like the reason why a man would cheat is because the wife can’t satisfy him in bed” I think Clarissa was just being provocative 🙂
I must say you have to remember the website is called postsecret for a reason, the idea is to get something of your chest without necessarily actioning it in real life.
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I think it’s the phrasing of the secret that bothers me the most. One day she’ll “have” to tell him? She doesn’t have to do anything that can potentially damage her child, nor should she. If this mother isn’t mature enough to understand why telling her child that “fucking women” was more important to his father than he was, maybe she isn’t mature enough to be a parent.
And I agree with Fie Upon This Quiet Life, kids are perceptive and should be allowed to forge their own relationship with each parent without the other trying to sabotage that relationship.
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Good comment.
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I just want to point out that it’s common for faces to be plastered over in PostSecret. It makes people more comfortable with sending actual pictures, because the subject and the author are less likely to be identified.
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I’m still hoping that this is not an actual picture of the author’s child but something she found on Google Images.
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Luckily these days it’s easier for a woman to just throw the cheating bastard out. Much less confusing for the kids.
Anyway it’s just some stupid thing someone posted on the Internet.
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“Anyway it’s just some stupid thing someone posted on the Internet.”
– For many people, it’s a tragic reality. You often dismiss the suffering that you haven’t experienced yourself. Is empathy completely alien to you?
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Not completely, but I do have a nose for false indignation.
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That’s precisely how people lacking empathy perceive the suffering of others. They convince themselves that others are simply faking it.
You must really love the expression “playing the race card”, right? It’s usually part of the same package.
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I want to say something in general on the topic, not about this specific unknown to me woman.
Sometimes fathers decide to leave their children themselves, and saying that it’s always a mother’s fault is untrue and mysogistic.
In such a case, I 100% wouldn’t want my mother to lie to me about what happened. “Not to lie” doesn’t mean “put all venom out, if you have it”. It does mean letting a child to see the true situation, even if it’s ugly. How much depends on the child’s age. 3 years is very different from 13 or 15.
I wouldn’t want my mother lie to me, and wouldn’t lie to my child either. Children and then adults they grow into aren’t fools, will understand all themselves, and I, in this child’s place, would be hurt by knowing my only real parent behaved as in the song “Tell me lies, tell me sweet, sweet lies”. And wonder to how many other “sweet lies” I’ve been subjected. 😦
Re the picture: it preserves anonymity not to show a face. And yes, I am 100% sure it’s her child.
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“Sometimes fathers decide to leave their children themselves, and saying that it’s always a mother’s fault is untrue and mysogistic.”
– The author of the postcard says the man left because he wanted sex with other women. There is absolutely no need to leave a child to have sex with any number of adults. The man very obviously left her, according to her own words. She chooses to turn this into a “we” because she is used to cannibalizing the kid’s life. I want to repeat for those who think this will pass as the kid grows up: “Bwa ha ha ha ha.”
“In such a case, I 100% wouldn’t want my mother to lie to me about what happened. ”
– That’s precisely what I’m saying. This vile creature is lying in order to guilt-trip the kid. What an animal.
“And yes, I am 100% sure it’s her child.”
– This is a horrible thought. I’m still hoping for the best, even though I have seen too many of such stories take place.
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“In such a case, I 100% wouldn’t want my mother to lie to me about what happened. ”
– That’s precisely what I’m saying.
I meant not to lie, even if a father does leave a kid too.
Not ever lie.
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“I meant not to lie, even if a father does leave a kid too.
Not ever lie.”
– I agree that lying to a child is both completely wrong and completely counter-productive.
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“In such a case, I 100% wouldn’t want my mother to lie to me about what happened.”
The point here is that your mother’s version of the ‘truth’ might not be accurate. Do you think a person who wrote this vicious garbage is capable of providing a reasonably accurate version of what transpired between her and her husband?
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Everybody has their own “truth” in every situation. My perception of my divorce is 100% different from my ex-husband’s perception of this event. Neither of us is lying. We just have a different perspective. If this woman just sticks to the bare facts (“your father and I don’t love each other any longer and don’t want to live together. This is normal and happens all the time”), she will be able to tell the truth and avoid traumatizing the kid. It’s the emotional interpretation that she needs to stop dumping on the kid. Once again, for her this man is one of a crowd. For the kid, he is the only father the kid will ever get. The father chosen for him by the mother who has now repented of her choice and wants to punish the kid for it.
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“Sometimes fathers decide to leave their children themselves”
– So you are describing a situation where a man passionately wants to have a child with a specific woman. Prepares to have that child by eating right and improving his health before conception, reads parenting books throughout pregnancy, is present at birth, cries with joy when the baby is born, jumps up at night to comfort the crying kid, looks into his face when the kid first smiles, plays with her – and then all of a sudden just picks up and leaves this passionately desired and loved child forever? For absolutely no reason? I have to be honest, this scenario makes no sense to me. And I never saw anything of the kind happen.
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Oh dear. I feel sorry for you.
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// Oh dear. I feel sorry for you.
I wasn’t writing about myself, but about a hypothetical situation.
Also, many children whose fathers leave them grow up to be very happy, successful people and don’t feel any need to feel sorry for themselves.
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I think that comment was meant for clarissa. Hattie does this quite often.
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I don’t know what you mean. I am not being disingenuous but am curious as to how you form your opinions . Which is why I read your blog.
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Yes this embedded reply thing drives me nuts.
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Clarissa, you describe Ideal Father scenario, which often doesn’t happen. Ideal Marriages also happen not often, and often one person behaves worse than the other. Sometimes, much worse. Let’s not start blaming mothers for all of that.
Such paragraph could be written about a perfect marriage too, ending that “I’ve never seen such a couple divorce.” Yet, divorces, as you know, do happen.
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“Clarissa, you describe Ideal Father scenario, which often doesn’t happen.”
– It doesn’t happen when we are talking about men who are cheated, bullied or forced into fatherhood against their will. I will repeat: do you know of a single man who passionately wanted to have a child, desperately wanted the child, and then just picked up and left that child forever?
“Such paragraph could be written about a perfect marriage too, ending that “I’ve never seen such a couple divorce.” Yet, divorces, as you know, do happen.”
– Exactly. Let’s use marriage as an example. Have you ever seen a couple where people desire each other passionately, have phenomenal sex and lots of it, love spending time together, have dozens of rituals and traditions, share everything, and then one day just separate for absolutely no reason and never see each other again? Really?
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“often one person behaves worse than the other. Sometimes, much worse.”
– That’s just not true. It was only when I realized this that I managed to get over my own first and very miserable marriage. A failure of a marriage is always equally the responsibility of both partners.
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You know what, this man is an adult. If he was “bullied” into having a child, it’s his problem. If he *said* he wanted to have a child, yet after birth decided crying at night kid was too much, as I’ve seen happen, it’s his responsibility. If he decided to tell he wanted a child because it’s expected, without thinking too much, and then felt the need to run away, his problem too.
How was he forced into fatherhood? A small hole a woman deliberately made in a condom? Really?
And if there was a contraception failure, a woman decided not to abort and the man left, telling a child his father left him is still 100% true.
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“If he *said* he wanted to have a child, yet after birth decided crying at night kid was too much, as I’ve seen happen, it’s his responsibility. If he decided to tell he wanted a child because it’s expected, without thinking too much, and then felt the need to run away, his problem too.”
– Unless you are the mother in question, I find it very hard to imagine why you would be present when the man begs for a child and then dislikes getting up at night. Do you really get invited to witness such intimate situations??
“How was he forced into fatherhood? A small hole a woman deliberately made in a condom? Really?”
– I know at least 10 women who freely confessed to me that they had children against their male partners’ wishes. Married couples don’t normally use condoms. And if they do, poking holes in condoms is a possibility. I know a woman who got pregnant against her will because the husband poked holes in the condoms.
“And if there was a contraception failure, a woman decided not to abort and the man left, telling a child his father left him is still 100% true.”
– Not necessarily. Only if he left the child yet still continued the relationship with its mother.
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// – Not necessarily. Only if he left the child yet still continued the relationship with its mother.
I honestly don’t understand you here. A man knows he has a child, yet decides to leave him. And his mother too. How is it not leaving a child? Why do you feel such a strong need to say it suddenly isn’t leaving a child?
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“I honestly don’t understand you here. A man knows he has a child, yet decides to leave him. And his mother too. How is it not leaving a child? Why do you feel such a strong need to say it suddenly isn’t leaving a child?”
– I’m opposed to people cannibalizing other people’s experiences. Why can’t the mother just say – because it’s the truth – “The man left me.” And then allow the child and his father define their relationship on their own. Why the need to make these pronouncements on the nature of the father / child relationship at all?
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You know what, this man is an adult. If he was “bullied” into having a child, it’s his problem. (el)
Kind of like when a man tries to cajole a woman into having sex and she really doesnt want to, I would imagine if she was an adult and gave in, it was her problem. I like that, responsibility for one’s actions.
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// Kind of like when a man tries to cajole a woman into having sex and she really doesnt want to, I would imagine if she was an adult and gave in, it was her problem.
If she agreed f.e. out of fear he’ll leave her otherwise, it’s only her problem.
If she “agreed” because she was afraid of attack, it’s rape.
And if he’s her boss and threatens to fire her, it’s a criminal act.
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I think the father has not left and is just cheating. And the mother is angry and contemplating leaving. And is not sure because this would mean disrupting the child’s family. And so is imagining ways of justifying this to the child. But really, she hopes the cheating will end. Thence the “I hope…”.
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Everybody has their own scenario of this story. In mine, she is simply vicious. In yours, she is an idiot. 🙂
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And in mine, she may have made some dumb choices in the past, but asking this question may not have been one of them.
Most posters here seem to be assuming the question the child will grow up asking is “why don’t you and Daddy live together?” There are a lot of children who grow up, rather, asking “Why don’t I have a Daddy?” (I admit the daddy still at home but cheating never occurred to me…and yeah, that would be an amazingly messed up human being to even think this caption.) In any case, most of y’all seem to have this assumption that this child will ever see his birth father again. My immediate reaction on reading this was that the guy was just plain gone. And for whatever reason, there are a limited number of ways for the remaining parent (yes, I know, it’s not always the mother) to deal with the situation, and possibly all of them will leave the child resenting/blaming someone–the one who abandoned you, the one who brought you up, or you yourself.
Even for those of us whose remaining parent DID handle this in a straightforward and at least somewhat honest way (your father and I had a really big fight, and we couldn’t live together any more, so he moved away when you were just a baby) do still grow up wondering what it was about us that made someone leave before we even had the chance to even really meet them. Yes, it’s messed up. No, it’s not rational. But hell, when you’re 5 and making Father’s Day cards in kindergarten, you don’t just shrug it off.
And yes, sometimes the man simply doesn’t want a spouse and kid, so he leaves. I’m grateful that my mother didn’t tell me that when I was little, and I deeply respect that she never said it out loud even when I grew up and we could talk about things a little. But it happened. I don’t assume he was an asshole, and I don’t assume my mother was a manipulative bitch; I think they were both sort of young and stupid and didn’t know how to actually deal with important stuff, like actually communicating with each other.
Eviscerate if you will. I hope you won’t. But you’re making a lot of assumptions about the nameless, faceless woman who for one moment had this toxic thought.
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This is not about the specific author of the card who might not even be a woman. I’m trying to address a general tendency that many mothers have to use children to take revenge on partners who left them. Only too often do women see children not as actual human beings but as their body parts that have to do their bidding limply well into old age. This tendency is more present in my culture than in yours which is probably why I experience it so poignantly.
Whether there was a divorce or not, whether anybody actually made any postcards, the point I’m trying to make is that children are not their mother’s property. they have their own lives, their own needs, their own thoughts. It is an enormous tragedy when a mother is incapable of seeing this. It’s one wound that never heals.
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Okay, fair enough. I agree completely, actually.
The visceral reaction to “she is a horrible vile vicious creature,” for me, was simply, “that could be my mom.” So thanks for clarifying. And I suppose I should be grateful that the whole “using children to manipulate a man” thing is so low on my scheme of awareness that it barely occurs to me…just, ICK. That is horrible, and yes, utterly vicious, as are all the pregnancy-by-deceit accounts. Ick.
From a literary-artistic standpoint, though, it occurs to me–I never would have thought of this postcard as “art” in any sense, but the fact that so many people see so many different potential reflections in it is intriguing. From a writing standpoint–this could be the opening sentence of an infinite number of wildly varying plots for a story or novel…most of them would probably be really bad stories, but there might be some gems in there…
J
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