I was just watching an episode of Top Chef and I heard him say, “A stove is like a woman. It never does what it’s supposed to.”

Of course, an ugly ancient troll from Austria like him would totally hate women. Jerk. As if the show weren’t sexist enough already.

A screen in our cafeteria says, “Be a king, treat a woman like a queen.”

So I flipped that around (as I always do with all gendered statements) and ended up with “Be a queen, treat a man like a king.”

That sounded quite icky.

“Finally, a charitable effort I would be happy to participate in,” I thought when I read the following in The Nation magazine:

Ferocious cuts to public school funds have taken a big toll on school libraries—whose collections are tattered, outdated and shrinking. This website posts school librarians’ wish lists—buy a volume in the ever-popular Bone series for a Boston elementary school, or Eric Foner’s Reconstruction for an Alabama high school. And don’t stop with the holidays—bookmark the website for year-long donating as new lists are posted.

What can be more wonderful than buying some books for a school library? Of course, I immediately headed over to filltheshelves. org. There, I suffered a major disappointment.

Here is the list of books for Susan Moore High School:

The Kill Order (Maze Runner Prequel) by James Dashner (Hardcover)

Just tell me what kind of a weird individual falls down while walking slowly in front of her house in a wide, well-lit street that hasn’t seen any ice for years and while wearing super-comfortable shoes with non-existent heels?

And what kind of a strange person scrapes her leg in the fall so badly that she draws blood and now has trouble walking and even getting into her own bed?

And what kind of bizarre creature does all this the day before she has to return to the classroom?

Yes, that would be me.

The most dedicated participants of the misery sweepstakes are insisting that college professors work 80 hours a week. Tanya Golash-Boza, an academic I really admire, wrote a very enlightening post on how to ensure that you never work more than the required 40 hours a week.

I also went through a time when I worked 80-hour weeks. In my first year on the tenure-track, I came to my office every day of the week (except Sundays, but that was only because the building is locked on Sundays) and stayed there from morning till late at night. Given that I published absolutely nothing that year and barely managed to squeeze in one low-quality conference talk, I’m now at a loss to determine what exactly I was accomplishing with all that busyness. I invested endless hours into preparing and over-preparing lectures and that, of course, took all the joy out of them. I fussed interminably over the most trivial service assignments. I pondered the all-important issue of what color ink to use in grading a particular assignment. There was a lot of hustle and bustle, but very little actual work.

It is understandable that people who are just beginning their academic careers would be anxious to make a good impression while being completely clueless as to how to get organized. Since that first year, I learned how to manage my time and now lead a very different existence. This is why I agree with Tanya in that profs who dedicate twice as many hours per week to work than what their contract requires them need to stop moaning and look at their time management skills more closely.

I taught 4 courses last semester and worked actively on my research, but at the same time, I led a very rich, stress-free life, spent a lot of time with my husband and pursuing my hobbies, and couldn’t even imagine needing anything close to 80 hours per week to fulfill my duties.

Rather than having fits over the suggestion that there is no need to be a perennially stressed out academic, people should read Tanya’s blog and listen to her helpful suggestions on how to get organized.

I’ve been reading some of the responses to the article quoted in the preceding post and I can conclude that it really offends people when somebody suggests they are not completely miserable. It’s like a mortal offense to point out anything good about their lives.

In my culture, it’s the opposite. People will go to great lengths describing how great they are doing even when their lives are for shit.

I dislike both approaches because they are insincere and emotionally taxing.  I’m a drama queen and I love to engage in a regular bout of complaining about the imperfections of the universe. I don’t, however, have the mental fortitude to participate in the misery sweepstakes that some of my colleagues enjoy so much. At the same time, if I’m lying bleeding on the sidewalk, I prefer to be able to scream for help rather than convince everybody that I’m simply practicing a new method of irrigation that will make me a millionaire like my compatriots would do.

* If I’m not mistaken, I learned this beautiful term at the Stupid Motivational Tricks blog.

To welcome in the new semester, let me quote an article that seems to have elicited a lot of response while I’ve been snoozing over my books:

University professor tops the CareerCast.com Jobs Rated report of least stressful careers for 2013. The field’s high growth opportunities, low health risks and substantial pay provide a low-stress environment that’s the envy of many career professionals.

I only have to be present at work on Tuesdays between 5 and 7:30 pm this semester, so how can I disagree? It’s a beautiful profession for those who are suited to it.

I wish everybody who teaches a very productive, enjoyable, and intellectually enriching semester. Remember, we went into this career to read books, generate ideas, and share knowledge. Everything else is just noise.

If you are wondering why I haven’t been blogging a whole lot this weekend, here is the reason. When I was in Montreal, I accidentally walked into the Las Americas bookstore (which is the best Spanish-language bookstore in Canada or the US). I always resolve to avoid it whenever I go to Montreal, but once I’m there, I tell myself, “Well, I’ll just pass by and look at the newest arrivals. It isn’t like I have to buy anything.”

Once I get to the store, I begin to feel tempted.

“OK, I’ll just get one small book,” I tell myself. “There is no harm in that.”

In the process of looking for one small book, I realize I can’t choose.

“Well, I will get two small books then. One book, two books, what’s the difference?”

A few moments later, I realize that I’ve been kidding myself.

“Fine, three medium-sized books it is. And after that, I’ll just leave.”

And then thoughts about the temporary nature of being begin to visit me.

“Life is so short, and what is this small temptation in the grand scheme of things? Faced with the enormity of the universe, one should feel ashamed of begrudging oneself a few books,” I tell myself and begin lugging every book in sight to the check-out counter.

Then I come home, lie in bed, place the books in piles around myself, and achieve nirvana.

Cashiers can never figure out my favorite winter fruit.
“Are these tomatillos or are they simply ugly tomatoes?” the cashier asked me today when she saw them.

“No, these are persimmons,” I explained, feeling wounded on account of the lovely fruit.

P.S. The persimmons are lying on a beautiful box a friend gave me for New Year’s.

To finish out 2012, let’s go over the funny search queries that brought people to Clarissa’s Blog recently.

Just in the last month, 12 people came to the blog with the search line mississippi sucks. I wonder if people make similar searches about all other states.

16 people (again, in just one month) came here with the query of scientists are stupid. 3 more folks searched for science is stupid blog posts. I don’t find this very encouraging.

16 people (probably the same ones) arrived searching for moldavian girls. Don’t ask me why this blog attracts this sort of query because I have no idea.

5 people were looking for excrement sex. I’m afraid this blog sorely disappointed them.

4 people wanted advice on how often go to church. Since they asked, my advice is don’t. If you are asking about a church, I’m guessing the name Jesus means something to you. Well, that guy was very much opposed to praying in public. Of course, if you hate Jesus, feel free to continue going.

4 individuals wanted to know who don’t use facebook. My answer is: those lucky bastards who are not forced by a stupid committee to join the stupid Facebook completely against their will.

4 folks asked why do women wear clothes. For the same reason as men, believe it or not.

4 people came asking was adam lanza sick (and this is not counting the 59 people who came with the query was adam lanza mentally ill). I don’t know about you but it bothers me that people are so ready to convince themselves that crime is necessarily a result of an illness.

There were 4 searches of why do men force themselves on women. I don’t know what makes people do such searches when the answer is obvious: because they are rapists! And no, they are not sick. They are rapists. Neither do they have a mental illness, Asperger’s, or any other excuse. They are criminals, that’s all.

Obnoxious searches didn’t end here. 6 persons came here looking for girls wearing inappropriate clothes. The problem is that these searchers failed to specify inappropriate for what. Prissy idiots. These are probably the same fools who are trying to figure out how often they should go to church.

3 searchers wanted to know sexual promiscuity psychological damage. The answer is no. So feel free to have a grand old time, folks.

2 people wanted to know if men want housewives. In this economy? You must be kidding me. I remember that about 15 years ago, 20% or so of male students said they wanted a housewife. In the past 3 years, not a single male student expressed any desire for one. (This is a question from a Beginners Spanish textbook).

There were, of course, searches I liked. 5 people asked does the new york times suck more? Oh yes, my friend. It sucks more with every passing month.