The best gift parents can give to a child is what is called “a positive mother/father complex.”*
A mother complex is the way you relate to the universe and see your place in the world.
If you have a positive mother complex, you see the world as a place that is good to you. You believe that everything will ultimately turn out right for you. You feel that people generally like you and luck favors you. You see every problem as a small temporary blip on the radar of your general happiness and contentment.
If you have a negative mother complex, you see the world as mostly alien, confusing, and threatening. Every instance of joy is a small temporary blip on the radar of your general anxiety and worry. You find it hard to believe that things will go right for you and luck will favor you.
A father complex is the way you relate to others. It has to do with your social and professional realization.
If you have a positive father complex, you see yourself as a valuable member of society with a lot to contribute. You are confident in your capacity to be professionally successful and valued by others. For instance, before giving a talk in front of an audience, you know for a fact everybody will love you.
If you have a negative father complex, you struggle professionally and keep seeing yourself as an impostor. You find that remaining law-abiding bothers you. The feelings of your badness and worthlessness keep bothering you. Before giving a talk in front of a large audience, you fear people wil not like you or even ridicule you.
Mind you, these complexes are not about the actual state of affairs. They only have to do with individual perceptions that need not have any basis in reality.
If you can wake up every day knowing that you are good and the world is good to you and everythhing is bound to work out, there is nothing more valuable than that. This is why I believe that parents who create an environment of drama, worry, anxiety, insecurity around their children over silly, unimportant things like Disney princesses, Pledge of Allegiance, school prayer, etc. are jerks. If you spend all day and every day praying to Disney princesses, that will not inflict even a tiny percentage of harm done by negative mother / father complexes.
* I know everybody hates terminology but I promise these will be the only terms I will use. They have nothing to do with the actual mother and father. I also agree in advance that the terms might not be very fortunate, so let’s skip the discussion about the evilness of the terminology and concentrate on the concepts it denotes.
Clarissa's Blog 
What’s to hate about terminology??
LikeLike
The genderist terminology.
LikeLike
I told you so! 🙂 🙂
This always happens.
LikeLike
But this is just my reply to David. There’s no debate here about the terminology.
LikeLike
All discussions about this always get mired in the endless arguments about the patriarchal nature of the terminology, so I want to avoid this.
LikeLike
The last paragragh is very clear about this. There’s no debate to do with this terminology here.
LikeLike
“patriarchal”
If we’re talking about useless terminology….. then I’m pretty sick of anything beginning with patriarch- (unless the user can define it in a succint way)
About the post I largely agree and leads me to think I should retroactively add a point or three to my job evaluation of my parents (and select extended family).
The overall message (despite a lot of static in the vicinity and from them at times) was positive, especially:
– don’t live according to other people’s ideas (including ours)
– find what you enjoy and do that
– there will be bumps in the road, don’t let them get you down
– if someone doesn’t like you then don’t waste time on them
– the journey doesn’t need a destination
If anything my father complex is too positive as my recurring problem is thinking that formal accomplishments/qualifications/jumping through hoops can really add anything more to the inherent worth I bring to work/projects…
LikeLike
“The overall message (despite a lot of static in the vicinity and from them at times) was positive, especially:
– don’t live according to other people’s ideas (including ours)
– find what you enjoy and do that
– there will be bumps in the road, don’t let them get you down
– if someone doesn’t like you then don’t waste time on them
– the journey doesn’t need a destination”
– Phenomenal parents. Everybody should be so lucky.
LikeLike
I’ve just heard that the Goldbach’s Conjecture is resolved! 🙂
LikeLike
Hmmm. The only difficulty I have with this is that it seems a bit either/or. I would say I definitely have a positive mother complex according to what you describe. But the father complex strikes me a bit more nuanced. For instance, I feel valued by my professional community, I feel that I am successful, and the I have the ability to continue to be successful but I still have many of the “father complex anxieties” that you describe– I certainly worry before I give a talk that it will be critiqued; I worry sometimes that my abilities are below that of my colleagues etc. etc. So it’s hard for me to see that either/or split here. It seems that most people has a mix of both positive and negative complexes.
LikeLike
Of course, there can be nuances. But the general feeling of “I’m good / the world is good” is either there or it isn’t.
The complexes can also change during a lifetime. And then change back.
LikeLike
Describing my mother complex:
I see the world as a place that is good to me, but I would always want to improve it. I believe that everything will ultimately turn out right for me, except the trivial occurence of death. I feel that luck generally favors me, but I’m not interested to be liked by almost anybody (except my close family, some friends, and some women 😉 ). I see every problem as a small temporary blip on the radar of my general happiness and contentment, but when problems are too much serious, I accept to live those moments of sadness withtout repressing them by taking pills.
LikeLike
Sounds extremely healthy.
I’ve just spent some time in an environment of deep psychological unhealthiness today, so it’s great to see such healthy people on my blog.
LikeLike
My father complex is probably less healthy:
I see myself as a valuable individual with a lot to contribute to a lot of individuals. I hate society, its etiquette rules, its hierarchies, its networks and its salescrittership. I’m not interested to be professionally successful, except in teaching, and I’m not interested to be valued by others. Even though I know that law-abiding can sometimes be in my interest, I’m opposed to law. It’s moral values that drives my behavior, not law. This is very easy for me (and way more easy than talking to a woman) to talk in front of an audience, and I know for a fact everybody will understand me, even though I don’t want to be loved by any of them.
LikeLike
That’s basically how I see the world too, and I try to convey that impression to my boys too.
LikeLike
I think the terminology makes general sense, although it could be taken too far and become reductive rather than helpful. It’s mothers who give birth, so one defines one’s immanence in relation to mothers. Traditionally fathers have eschewed closer family engagements, but have protected the boundaries of existence, so one describes one’s capacity for transcendence in relation to fathers.
I have a very good mother complex, but have had a very poor father complex. The problem was my father was extremely crazy. He would attack whenever he sensed any sort of vulnerability, so one had to learn not to show anything he would interpret in this way, in his presence. I tried to find other, replacement father figures, but I was not able to do so. There’s a strong inclination, in a patriarchal society, for people to take the line that whatever one’s father says about one is necessarily authoritatively true. Even “feminists” don’t see beyond this, which is interesting and wholly damning in my view.
In the end, I found my father was acting out his traumas in relation to his own step-father, and in relation to his mother whom he felt abandoned by. He was very keen to act out the way his step-father had punished him and abandoned him, by punishing and abandoning me whenever he sensed I was vulnerable. He also addressed me, at times, as though I were his mother, and as though he were no more than three years old. He would stand there hurling tirades of verbal abuse, which had no relation to anything I could have done, but seemed to be specific to the fact that I was female.
So that has been my situation. Somehow it’s possible to work with, and through, and ultimately beyond these psycho-dynamics, I’ve managed to get to the other side of the situation, where I see the situation for what it was, without blaming myself or lamenting lost opportunities. I’m highly innovative and know how to make even an extremely bad situation somehow serve me to a sufficient degree. For instance, I have made my way out of having conventional expectations about people. My character prefers the wilds, and I was able to use this pathological situation to create more wilderness for myself. It’s also been a teaching tool as to people’s limits in perception, ethics and capabilities. I do believe we are at an all time low in terms of general social maturity. In the society I came from, people would have addressed this issue for what it was, very early on, when I brought it to their attention, rather than blaming me. But, these days, people can’ t seem to see beyond themselves. We seem to have generally regressed, at least according to this measure.
And feminists, too.
LikeLike
I have combined and uneven development on both sides.
LikeLike
The Nietzschean approach is to try to make whatever you end up with work for you. It’s called “giving style to one’s character”. You ask your creative juices to work on whatever raw material you have ended up with. Truly, I think Bataille also had a negative father-complex, what with his father’s abusiveness. Perhaps that is why he came up with the solution of “immanence”. In his book, On Nietzsche, he speaks about the his situation in WW2, with the Germans marching on France. He said, “We will defeat them with our complete passivity — with our immanence.” Now, that sounds really weird on the surface of it, but I’ve tried this approach, after trying the opposite, and it really makes sense. I tried it here and it seemed quite effective:
John Harris Bogans vote labor you fools
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong I like your language.
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris well please explain to me why you people think that Bogans are Coalition voters when we all know it is the other way round
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Is it English? It’s quite similar…
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris what do you mean English?
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong I can almost understand you….almost
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris are you trying to demonstrate to me that you are educated or something
14 hours ago · Like · 1
John Harris No, you have nothing to say
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Ellen Jarrett rather see gillard letting in thousands of illegals every month hey. wait till you have to wear a burqa
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Oh, I like this way of speaking. There are people here who have a lot to say!
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong I like it
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris I saw you post on the antibogan page and as usual they block anyone who isn’t a Greens voter
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Ellen Jarrett hmm. you are really saying a lot yourself aren’t you
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong This is great language!
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong I seem to be saying a lot.
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris the amount of hate you people post about Abbott is really quite pathetic
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Am I educated?
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett just like all gillard greens pages. cant handle criticism and wont answer question.
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Excellent! Great!
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris what language would you like me to write in then?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong It’s really good. Thanks
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett lots of words but no information
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Please try to write a bit of English
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong in the Australian language
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong It’s really good that this is partially coming through
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris well have a look at theantibogan page, you are all Social alliance/Greens or Labor voters and wont let anyone else on
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Ellen Jarrett well if this is not australian english what the hell is it?
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Oh. I have to go and watch a TV show, though
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris what makes you people think that Abbott voters are all racist ?
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Ellen Jarrett yeh HOUSOS
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong It’s good.
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris well?
14 hours ago · Like · 2
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Nice
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong yes
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris what makes you people think that Abbott voters are all racist ?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong I like the comment too
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong The word, “well?” I can understand it!
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett Wont let in the illegals. now they think illegal is a race
14 hours ago · Like · 1
John Harris by the way there is no such thing as Australian English
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong no
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong yes
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris don’t get me started on the illegal boat arrivals
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong yes
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris well you left your wall open to the public
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett according to my spell check their is. it differs from american in the spelling of some words but other wises the same
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong It is great!
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong no
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris if theantibogan let Coalition voters on there then we wouldn’t be on your wall
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong wall?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris let her go Ellen, she will be looking for a SMH story to post
14 hours ago · Like · 1
John Harris yes, your wall
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Thanks!!!!!
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong hmmm… wall
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett lol.
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong hahahah
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong wall
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett never seen so much
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris amazing how all theantibogan members are from the far left
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong left
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong certainly
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris I am wanting them to report that Tony Abbott is a C**t group but they wont because they run the thing
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong THING?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong wHAT?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong How do they run that thing?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris why is it that you got so upset over the Gillard attack?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong which one?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris I’ll say it again, why is it that you got so upset over the Gillard attack?
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett i used to be a labor voter until the your red headed idol lied to us. then i made it my mission to educate myself on the policies that have ruined what was once a great country. and you know what?almost all the damage has been done by labor
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris why is it that you got so upset over the Gillard attack?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong why?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong are you married?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris yes why?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong you seem like a nice couple. Ought to get married…especially if you are having sexual relations
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett you look that sick cow who is the girlfriend of that Fardon pervert that Queensland wants to lock away forever. if you dont know who he is, google
14 hours ago · Like · 1
John Harris typical leftist, hates anything said about Gillard but constantly beats the crap out of Abbott
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong what does it mean?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Are you bogans?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong sick cows?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris I bet she is on all the Abbott hate groups too but complains about how cruel and sexist Abbott is
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong which ones?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris No I’m not a bogan I don’t vote Greens or Labor
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Ellen Jarrett no love. up here in Queensland we are called Bevans. but being a liberal voter does not make you a bogan/bevan
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong you seem quite gregarious!
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong and endearing in your terminology — if you don’t mind me saying
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Is it English?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris well I’m in Victoria, not much of a happy couple are we
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong that is sad
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Perhaps I can help you?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris gregarious! endearing…….yep she is well educated
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett help us what. become leftards like you
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong I meant I enjoy your English. It makes me happy.
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris quick, start words that don’t need to be used
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Jennifer Frances Armstrong get married in the proper way, with a certificate
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong certificate?
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong do you know it?
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris anyway feral I’m off
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris going
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong do you know the word about being married
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris goodbye bogan
14 hours ago · Like · 1
Ellen Jarrett retard. do you know it
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong we use it in Australia
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Have fun!!!!!
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong get married soon
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Australia is a good country.
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris Oh we will on election night
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong election. Yes.
14 hours ago · Like
John Harris was until Rudd got in
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Enjoy it
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett gillard doesnt. she just likes to steal other womens husbands
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong You can get married if you observe vows of chastity, even though you are in different states
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong just wait for each other and be good
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong no sexual relations before marriage
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett have you heard the dribble of coming out of your mouth
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong never
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong not once
14 hours ago · Like
Ellen Jarrett so tell that to gillard you dear little virgin
14 hours ago · Like
Jennifer Frances Armstrong Tony Abbott supporters.
LikeLike
I quite like the terminology, it helps one to sort things out.
This is a very informative post for me.
LikeLike
Thank you, Alexandra!
LikeLike
This is obviously a very old post, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions as to what you can do about it (other than seeing an analyst) if you have a negative father complex? Is it possible to solve it somehow?
LikeLike