The last weeks of the academic year are notoriously hard, so I feel entitled to indulge in my top-secret hobby of reading trashy books. The university bookstore offered a sale on Between the Sheets: Nine 20th Century Women Writers and Their Famous Literary Partnerships, a book that salivates over the sex lives of famous female writers. Yes, I’m human and nihil humanum, etc.
The book is providing me with a bunch of laughs because of the desperate and painfully earnest way in which its author struggles with understanding how human sexuality works. Here is one hilarious example. The author discusses a long and passionate relationship between Katherine Mansfield and John Murry that was almost entirely devoid of actual sex:
Why should this be the case? As we have seen, neither Mansfield nor Murry were sexually inexperienced by the time they got together. Why should Murry have felt such apparent fear of sex with Mansfield, and why should Mansfield have been so reticent with him?
The author proceeds to offer a series of explanations, ranging from Mansfield’s desire to conceal her previous sex life from Murry to her possible bisexuality. Of course, none of these explanations make any sense. Finally, she asks almost desperately:
Is real desire still possible, even when physical intimacy is absent?
It always embarrasses me to see such depths of sexual ignorance in adults. Of course, it is more than possible for two experienced people to burn with profound desire for each other and still have the most horrible and unfulfilling sex ever. Desire doesn’t guarantee good sex. It is a curious reality of the human condition that, besides desire, you need something else to make sex work. That something is sexual compatibility. And if the compatibility isn’t there, that is not a sign that something is wrong with the passion.
This is the main problem that people face when they get married without having sex first. They believe that if passion and love are there, then compatibility must surely follow. And it just doesn’t. Compatibility can’t be conjured, manufactured, or bought in therapy sessions. It exists outside of our will. For the sexually secure individuals, there is nothing threatening in that realization.
Clarissa's Blog 
By sexual compatibility you mean erotic attraction? Or what? I’m not sure I understand the issue of compatibility.
LikeLike
Attraction is important but it does not guarantee compatibility. Compatibility is being into the same things sexually, having the same rhythm, having sexual scenarios that do not contradict each other (for example, if both people want to be dominant, there will be a problem), etc. If one person, say, loses all interest because of a slow rhythm and the partner hates a fast rhythm, nothing good will happen in their sexual encounter.
LikeLike
Compatibility is truly necessary for good sex. And by that, musteryou, I (personally) mean that you just have to sort of have a natural connection between the two of you. It’s just like how there are some people in your life that you can naturally fall into conversation with and talk and talk without ever getting exhausted with that person. To me, sexual compatibility is just exactly like that, except it’s a natural, physical mutuality that feels practically effortless, but awesome.
When you have a lot of desire without compatibility, then you end up just being frustrated at the end, and that leads to all sorts of problems.
LikeLike
Oh.
LikeLike
“Compatibility is truly necessary for good sex. And by that, musteryou, I (personally) mean that you just have to sort of have a natural connection between the two of you. It’s just like how there are some people in your life that you can naturally fall into conversation with and talk and talk without ever getting exhausted with that person. To me, sexual compatibility is just exactly like that, except it’s a natural, physical mutuality that feels practically effortless, but awesome.”
– Yes, this is exactly what I mean.
LikeLike
You sound like you have a lot of experience. Very impressive.
LikeLike
@Fie
But isn’t it interesting how you don’t need to be able to talk and talk with some individuals and yet have no problem f………….Oh, the wonders of chemistry, sometimes you get to check your brain at the door.
LikeLike
Titfortat — I was only using conversational compatibility as an example of compatibility. You don’t have to be conversationally compatible to be sexually compatible. When both happen with one person, it’s something pretty special, actually.
LikeLike
I would say if you have a similar background, anything is possible, but otherwise not so much.
LikeLike
Great post!
LikeLike
Turn “sexual ignorance in adults” to “in doctors”:
Why Does the ACGME Want to Eliminate Contraceptive Training for Family Physicians?
That is why we are dismayed that the Accreditation Council of Graduate Medical Education (ACGME) has proposed changes to the guidelines for family medicine residency programs removing the requirement that residents learn to provide contraception. These changes will go into effect in 2014 unless the ACGME is convinced otherwise, during an open comment period taking place this week.
…
residency programs based in religiously-affiliated hospitals (which operate nearly 20 percent of inpatient community-hospital beds in the U.S.), will most likely drop birth control training immediately.
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2013/04/24/why-does-the-accreditation-council-for-graduate-medical-education-want-to-eliminate-contraceptive-training-for-family-physicians/
LikeLike
It’s only political Islam that is dangerous, everybody knows that! 😉
LikeLike
It would be interesting to study the compatibility of PIV?
LikeLike
My taxonomic take is that there are different kinds of desire and different kinds of compatability and they operate, ultimately, independently of each other.
Some kinds are much more likely to co-occur but odd combinations can and do happen which is probably the case you’re referring to (I’m reminded a little of the movie the Hours where the Meryl Streep and Ed Harris characters were intimate, but not sexual, soulmates). This seemed to confuse a lot of people at the time.
On the other hand the author (or her editor) has bought into the all or nothing (desire=sex=luv) myth that causes so much misery among those who fall for it.
LikeLike