I can never figure out why people behave the way they do at social gatherings. For instance, I often find myself in the following situation.
“I completely disagree with what Jack Peters said about enrollment caps,” I venture at a social gathering.
In response, people act as if they have lived their entire lives until now eagerly awaiting an opportunity to badmouth Jack Peters.
“Oh, that Jack Peters!” they exclaim. “He’s so annoying! I heard that he once totally yelled at a colleague for no reason. And he’s such a gossip! Everybody at his department detests him! Oh, I can’t stand this fellow.”
When I see what my remark about enrollment caps did to Jack’s reputation, I always try to repair the situation.
“Well, I disagree with Jack Peters’s position on enrollment caps,” I say, “But he’s a good person. Students love him, and he’s a great colleague.”
Then everybody begins to act as if they lived their entire lives waiting for a chance to say something nice about Jack.
“Yes, Jack Peters might come off a bit gruff but that’s only because he’s had a difficult life. He has a heart of gold, that fellow. Always so helpful and understanding.”
“Of course what he said about enrollment caps is something I simply can’t agree with,” I continue.
In response, people act like Jack Peters shot their favorite dog and buried it in his backyard. And so the merry-go-round can go on for quite a while.
And I’m left wondering whether people do this because
A. The social code requires people to agree with everything they hear at such gatherings.
B. People think I’m unstable and are afraid of antagonizing me with disagreement.
C. People are extremely torn on the subject of Jack Peters’s personality.
D. Something else.
Clarissa's Blog 
Is this mostly about NAmerica? The US?
A few things to remember about socializing with Usonians (as always these are general rules with lots of individual exceptions). Also, these are about situations when people are not especially close or know each other at a very deep level (at which point they no longer apply).
We’re bad at arguing (we don’t know how to discuss disagreements in a civil manner and can’t let a disagreement go until we ‘win’) so we try to avoid disagreements.
The conversational imperative is to first agree with something said and then (maybe) introduce a dissenting opinion.
We like to find some commonality with the person we’re talking to (the main reason we always ask where people are from so we can say that a friend of our cousins once drove through there and made some observation).
As a socially awkward person myself, I do best by asking general questions followed by more specific ones accompanied by a lot of sympathetic nodding.
Me: So, what do think about that enrollment cap idea by Jack Peters?
Poor person condemned to talk to me (PPCTTM): Oh, I don’t know, there are so many variables,
Me: hmm (nodding)
PPCTTM: I don’t think it’s a very good idea because…. (etc etc)
Me: hmmmmm (nodding some more)
I have about 14 different nods and 27 different ‘hmmms’ that indicate different shades of agreement and/or different degrees of thoughtful contemplation.
My other technique is the guided interview I learned while working for a newspaper. Ask a general question and then ask questions about their answers.
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Yes, this is the Midwest, too, so I’m guessing that people are overcome with their politeness and a desire to please.
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Pretty good descriptions I would say. I agree, its different once you know people.
Clarissa what would it be like in Ukraine? I know you were much younger when there, but was networking less common? (i am being stereotypical of a former soveit union state and assuming much less professional workers and less business /capital interactions.. maybe I am wrong). And were people more direct or argumentative there?
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Oh yes, in Ukraine (or Russia) people would very directly inform you of everything that is deeply wrong with you in terms of how you look, how you dress, how you speak, how you live, how much you weigh, etc. 🙂 But that only happens with a fellow Russian-speaker. With “foreigners” my people are very fawning and obsequious to their faces and extremely mean behind their backs.
As for networking, unfortunately there is still so much corruption that trying to get things done through meeting strangers is a waste of time. Everything is done through informal (and corrupt) networks of relationships that were inherited from the USSR.
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“C. People are extremely torn on the subject of Jack Peters’s personality.”
I favour this interpretation.
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E. Clarissa is a born leader.
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(I am a very unsocial person, so those are only my guesses) I think that when you say:
\ “Of course what he said about enrollment caps is something I simply can’t agree with,” I continue.
People hear the words “what HE said” and conclude you wish to discuss the person and not the issue of enrollment caps. If one truly wishes to discuss the latter, may be the best tactic would be not to mention any names, but only the issue.
Also, I guess, if you want to hear the truth about another’s opinion, ask what they think and only afterwards reveal anything about your views. Otherwise, people may politely lie a bit to escape what they see as conflict. 🙂
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“Otherwise, people may politely lie a bit to escape what they see as conflict.”
That’s what I’m thinking. For some incomprehensible reason 🙂 I’m seen as very confrontational, so I have a feeling that people don’t want to provoke me. Back in Ukraine, on the other hand, people considered me meek and timid, even though in what concerns ways of expressing my opinion I haven’t changed one bit.
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Back in Ukraine, on the other hand, people considered me meek and timid, even though in what concerns ways of expressing my opinion I haven’t changed one bit.
Perhaps. On the other hand, you may have changed without realizing it. You’ve come into your own since you emigrated from the Ukraine. A professor saying the same thing is treated differently than an undergrad. It could also be US Midwest conversational mores vs Ukrainian ones as well. Do you think if you went back now to Ukraine, people would still think you meek?
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I’m still meeting Russian speakers. Not often but I do. And I’m a total wallflower next to them. 🙂
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And yes, if I were to go back, everybody would walk over me because I’m way too sensitive, polite and meek for my people.
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I also think that people have difficulty distinguishing between people’s ideas and policy positions from their personalities. For most people I think they meld together. If they dislike someone’s personality, they find a reason to dislike their position and vice versa. I don’t think it’s even conscious.
On the rare occasion they manage to separate ideas from personas, it’s noteable.
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So true. And it works the other way round, too. When I criticize somebody’s post or article, the author often comes to me to ask, “Why do you hate me so much?” Somehow, disagreement with something they say translates into a personal hatred of them in their minds.
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