I’m very eager to go back to work. I like work. I’m good at everything, and it’s pleasant to be good at everything. But I will suffer horribly because I will have to be separated from Klara. She’s still been a part of my body for longer than she hasn’t.
P.S. Caring for the baby in many ways creates the opposite image of myself than I have at work. At work, I’m elegant, calm, fast, efficient, organized, and emotionally uninvested. With Klara, I’m disheveled, covered in spit up, never managing to do anything on time, and emotionally invested.
Clarissa's Blog 
“She’s still been a part of my body for longer than she hasn’t”
Is this experience making you understand and/or sympathize with (not the same as agreeing with) the traditional view many parents have of their children as extensions of their own bodies?
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There are many very pleasant (for a parent) ways to consume a child. They are pleasant not just intellectually or emotionally but physically. But the pleasure that can be derived from this cannibalization doesn’t make it any less immoral.
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I very much sympathize. I know for some women motherhood is the be-all, end-all. I love my kids dearly but I would go insane as a stay-at-home mom and it would likely be awful for my kids. I need the work, I love the work, it’s a key part of my identity. As you say, at work I feel competent and in control. My kids are older now, so I feel competent and in control as a parent, but I remember the first baby and how much it changes your world, and it’s very easy to feel like you are not doing anything right; the contrast between pre- and post-parenting is particularly jarring for people like yourself, who are used to feeling strong and competent at work.
I promise it gets better, it gets less crazy, and soon. You start feeling more competent about your parenting and you also relax expectations of yourself. I was a ball of nerves with my first kid. After three? Nah. It is not easy to faze me with anything parenting-related. Klara has all she needs, is happy and healthy, and that means you are doing great — spit-up stains on all your clothes be damned!
🙂
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Thank you so much! This really helps. I know I will be a mess at first but Klara is bored at home anyway. Maybe it will be good for her to be with other kids, in a new environment part of the day.
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Maybe it will be good for her to be with other kids, in a new environment part of the day.
Definitely! Kids enjoy the company of other kids from a very early age. You’ll see, it’s adorable how two or three babies on their tummies (and/or all over each other) can amuse each other for extended periods of time. Also, it will challenge her to crawl and push up and walk because there are always babies who are a few months older and doing these things. Honestly, the only downside of a daycare (if well run) is that kids get sick often that first year; it’s quite a boost for the immune system! But after a year or so, they hardly ever get sick again.
My middle son has a friend (a girl) with whom he’s been together in child care since he started at 4 months of age! They have been in the same classroom nearly the entire time (skipped maybe 1 year, they are now 9), and now they also go to afterschool together. It’s really heartwarming.
I also credit daycare for my kids’ massive vocabulary (I can’t get a word in edgewise) and great social skills, which I wish I had when I was their age; I was raised by grandma at home while parents worked and had no concept of how to act among kids once I started school; didn’t help that I stared a year early, so everyone else was a year older and infinitely more socially skilled. This insecurity about interacting with people plagues me to this day.
Don’t worry, Klara will enjoy daycare. Good daycare centers really provide lots of stimulation that you have no time or patience or resources for, especially once she’s 2+ (e.g., shaving cream art/mess; sensory exploration in tubs full of beans/rice; various objects and media to make art). And you will be able to enjoy your time at work!
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