I’m having a midlife crisis.
So I went and bought a frozen pizza.
I’m going to die, I thought, and what, I will not have even tried a frozen pizza in my whole life?
I have no idea why frozen pizza, of all things. I maybe eat pizza twice a year, if that. Not because I have anything against it but because it never occurs to me.
Frozen pizza is something that I associate with being a completely different kind of person. Not different in a bad way. Simply different.
“I’m having a midlife crisis. So I went and bought a frozen pizza.”
Well, at least you didn’t run out and buy a convertible or a motorcycle, or run off with a younger man…
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Exactly. N thanked me for not getting a red Ferrari, whatever that is.
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If you must eat frozen pizza, get the cheese-stuffed crust DiGiorno, either three-meat or pepperoni. Ain’t half bad.
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I got something local called Shakespeare’s pizza. Feelings of guilt were assuaged by the literary aspect. 😄
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Frozen local pizza??? Ugh! Why would any pizzeria freeze their product to sell locally?
You want reasonably edible cheap frozen pizzia, go to the supermarket and buy a national brand like DiGiorno.
You want a GOOD pizza, go to a Shakey’s chain, if there’s one left near you. Otherwise go to Pizza Hut.
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It’s a midlife crisis. It’s not supposed to be reasonable.
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I think I’ve had frozen pizza once. I didn’t particularly care for it. How did you like it?
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I’ll try it on Tuesday, after a very long day of lectures.
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To give it a fair trial, cook it in your conventional oven, not the microwave.
Hint: Refrigerated left-over pizza slices taste better eaten cold rather than reheated. Eat a slice for breakfast before starting your long day.
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“Frozen pizza is something that I associate with being a completely different kind of person. Not different in a bad way. ”
I’m not prejudiced! Why some of my best friends eat frozen pizza!
On the other hand, I can’t imagine anyone in the world having frozen pizza and wondering why it took them so long to see the light, so I’m not sure how that will affect the course of your crisis.
If you’re looking for food revelation you’re headed in the wrong direction and if you’re food slumming then there are way grosser things than frozen pizza out there.
You’re living in the middle of the heart of food darkness. If you’re on a downward spiral then I might suggest a casserol of spagetti-o’s, hot dogs, cut into little pieces, velveeta and topped with crushed potatoe chips. And that wouldn’t even be rock bottom….
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Actually, the dish you describe sounds quite appealing. Like anything with hot dogs. I live for hot dogs.
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“the dish you describe sounds quite appealing”
Oh Dear God, it’s worse than I thought….. this is scary. You do know what spaghetti-o’s and Velveeta are, don’t you?
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Actually, I do. We had a lot of imported Velveeta back in Ukraine in the 1990s. And I’ve tried spagghettios. They are massively gross but that can be masked by Velveeta and hot dogs.
Of course, if I tried feeding this to N, he’d end up in the emergency room. He’s sensitive.
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To salt? To the taste of tin? 0_o
Spaghetti-os: For when you have a can opener and microwave but lack a pot, stove & water. O_0
I maintain if you’re going to eat something unhealthy, it should be delicious. Not…that.
All of these have absurd amounts of sodium and sugar. Yes, sugar.
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BUT THE HOD DOGS!! 😆😆
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“We had a lot of imported Velveeta back in Ukraine ”
Weird. I’ve never seen Velveeta in Europe (not that I’ve looked…). Are you sure it wasn’t US Government cheese? They look the same unpacked but Velveeta is spreadable goop (a ‘cheese product’) while government cheese is hard and actually isn’t terrible* (not great but not terrible, it’s minimally real cheese).
*Back in the 1980s an aunt on social security got way more government cheese than she could ever eat and gave the excess to me.
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Great micro-narrative. No kidding. Writing fiction may be a good way to go through your midlife crisis. Come on! Be unreasonable!
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I eat frozen pizza a few times per week. I’m kind of embarrassed of doing so, but it tastes good and is quick! My superego would very much have me follow a strict paleo diet instead.
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
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