On the Playground 

We have fantastic playgrounds in our small town, and today I took Klara to one of them for the first time. My goal, aside from entertaining her, was to meet mommies. Which is also for her sake because, as we all know, my interest in meeting new people is lower than being bitten by sharks. 

I met mommies, so that part of the goal is going ok. The problem is that I feel extremely out of place. Mommies are all decades younger than me and tell stories that go,  “I has my first child by accident at 18 and the second also by accident 10 months later. Then I had my third at 21 and fourth at 22, and im thinking of having the next one soon because I don’t like big age differences among siblings. My husband’s four brothers and 2 sisters were all much older, and that was no fun for him. I only had 3 siblings but we were close in age.” (This is a literal rendition of one of the stories I heard today, and the rest were similar.) 

Hearing about all this boundless fertility makes me feel guilty and deficient. Which is not a feeling I’m used to experiencing. I urgently need to go work on my research to restore my self-esteem. 


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