Setting Boundaries, Cont’d
Rule #2: don’t engage in internal dialogues with the boundary violator. Once you start an internal monologue addressed at them, that’s it, you have allowed them to inhabit your innermost self. It’s a tough habit to break because internal monologues offer an illusion of finally being able to say everything you wanted. But it’s fake relief. All you are doing is taking apart your own boundaries.
The solution here is as simple as switching the internal monologues to a different channel. The moment they start, imagine you are holding a remote and pressing a button that powers on a different program. The channel you will be switching to needs to be something powerful and engrossing enough to distract you from self-justifying monologues. It’s hard as all hell but I promise that within a month of consistently practicing this, it will become second nature.
Rule #3: erase the phrases “but why does she?” and “I just want to understand why he” from your vocabulary. All they do is lock you in an unhealthy relationship with the boundary violator. He does it because that’s what he wants to do, and that’s all you need to know. All these attempts to “just understand” give you a fake feeling of power over the violator because they make you feel like you can solve the problem by the strength of your intellect. But this power is illusory. The real power lies in building up a boundary and protecting it.
You can’t change a boundary violator or convince them not to violate. All you can do is make yourself not useful and not convenient as a victim. And then they’ll go feed on somebody who is still inquiring forlornly “But why does she always?”