The reason why I hate The Shape of Water is that it will give rise to endless daft “yay for transhumanism” academic articles and conferences. And I detest this shit even more than “ecofeminism.”

Klara’s favorite thing to do right now is for us to sit in front of each other and for me to talk while she listens with an enraptured face and those huge blue eyes staring with the kind of attention that a teacher in me can’t resist.

“What do you want to do?” I ask. “Play-Doh? Aqua mat? Dollies?”

“I want talking, mamma,” she says. “More talking.”

Sometimes she makes requests. “Talking about bear, mamma” or “talking about grandpa.”

She also loves observing me talk to other people. She sits there, quiet as a mouse (which otherwise never happens) and clearly enjoys the interactions.

She also now loves finishing the sentences in the books I read. Sometimes she doesn’t remember how a phrase ends, so she comes up with her own version which always rhymes and is often better than the original.

And she is finally in the word-artistry phase. For instance, she was fascinated to discover that “paci” is short for “pacifier.” So now anything she likes gets “fier” added to it. I’m now “mammafier” and N is “papafier.”

Yesterday she learned the expression “mamma is having a peach of a day,” so she now informs people that “mamma having peach of a day. Mamma eating peaches. Klara no eating peaches. Peaches are yucky. Eat more peach, mamma.”

She also learned from me to announce, “I’m having a great time. I’m enjoying myself”, which has strangers on the playground collapse in an attack of cuteness.

Oh, so there will be another season of House of Cards! I’m not likely to watch because it’s silly to try to build a show around a character who’s constitutionally dumb, even if that extreme vacuousness and total lack of brain matter is played so convincingly by the talented Robin Wright.

What can the show be like when centered on Wright’s character? In episode 1, she stares stupidly at a wall. In episode 2, she stares stupidly at a tree. In episode 3, she stares stupidly at human beings who make incomprehensible noises at her.

What I know for sure about the Trump trade tariffs is that they are an enormous, hardcore blow on Russia. Several of the ruling oligarchs are getting clobbered to within an inch of their stinky, useless lives. Alisher Usmanov (a bad, bad fellow. A real piece of work) is reportedly in hysterics.

This is so much bigger than any childish little sanctions. The Russians are losing it big way right now. And I can’t feel bad about that.

I was never one of the folks who worshiped at the altar of free trade. The whole term stinks of exploitative intentions. So I don’t see the reason to go all panicky because a couple of barriers will be thrown on the way of capital. Plus, it drives Putin up a wall, which is always nice.

It would be cool but only if the books are one’s own. Meaning, authored by you. Otherwise, it’s too kitchy. And then again, what if Hindus come over?

So then I decided we’d just stay at home because on a day when the universe just has it in for you it’s best not to tempt it. And then Klara decided it would be fun to dump all her food on the floor and mix it up, and I saw it and was so taken aback that I bumped against the toy stand and a huge box of Play-Doh supplies fell out and scattered, and Klara thought this was a fun new game we were playing and grabbed her building blocks and threw them around, and in the midst of that typical toddler moment special agents knocked on the door and wanted to come in and have a talk.

Every parent dreads having governmental agents come into the house at the precise moment when it looks like an illustration for an article on neglectful parenting. But Klara loved the visitors. When I told her the gentlemen were leaving she declared that she wanted “more gentlemens” and ran after them with an endearing “gentlemens, come back!” I had to explain to her that “gentlemens” wanted their mommy and were going home to their mommy. She was incredulous but finally accepted it after a long story about the gentlemens and their mommy whose name is the United States government.

Of course, I also had an article rejected but at that point I was like, “what just one?” The day is not over, and I’m not discounting a possibility of a terrorist attack, a volcano eruption, or an invasion by Russian troops.

So you know how people have recurring nightmares? Mine is that I’m driving on the highway, on the new bridge across the Mississippi, and I can’t see anything. There’s torrential rain and the water pours across the windshield and I realize the car is going to fly into the air and I’ll die because this is the end of the road for me.

I lived my nightmare in reality today. But it was worse because in the dream I’m alone in the car, and in reality Klara was there with me. And I had this surreal feeling – because I’d been there before so many times in my dreams – where I couldn’t be certain if I was dreaming or not.

I had to drive Klara to the airport for her Global Entry interview but once we got on the highway the downpour started. I turned around and started driving back but this is where it got really bad. The wipers weren’t doing anything, and there was this truck a bit ahead of me in the right lane that was splashing massive amounts of water into the windshield. I didn’t want to go faster than the truck because all I could see was a dim light from this truck and that’s all I had to guide me. And then Klara threw up because it turns out she has a bit of a stomach bug, so that had to come to light right at this moment.

I’m very proud that I didn’t freak out, panic, or scare Klara. She didn’t even know anything was amiss. I did get us home and didn’t even get a scratch on the car. But I’m afraid of falling asleep today because I’m afraid I’ll have the dream.

But that was just the beginning of my day.

That weird feeling when two special agents show up at your doorstep and ask, “So ma’am, since you are from Eastern Europe, what’s your opinion on Putin?”

It takes some effort to abstain from jokes about “wanting the dish on your new employer, do you?”

Yes, it’s a thing that actually happened to me. Like right now. I’m having a real shitty day.

Details to follow.

The Shape Of Water is totally plagiarized from the famous Soviet sci-fi Human Amphibian. The only difference is that the Soviet Human Amphibian was played by a stunningly beautiful actor. And his love interest was an even more stunningly beautiful actress. And there was no sex because it’s a Soviet movie. Plus, the idea is icky even with the beautiful actors.

You can see them here.

It’s funny how the Oscars go to the worst films in existence.