Anybody Hiring?

It has become clear that I need to move to Florida. I feel so alive and energetic here that it’s almost funny. Love the climate, the lifestyle, the landscape, the people, everything.

If anybody is hiring, I’m a great colleague, very friendly, haven’t been involved in a single academic feud in my whole life, good schmoozer, tons of publications, very non-woke, extremely bad memory which makes me incapable of holding a grudge for longer than 3 minutes, some administrative experience, zero complaints from students in 20 years of teaching, don’t care what I teach or what textbook is used, very busy with my research and personal life to care about the things that often have academics at each other’s throats, never had a problem filling a classroom, honestly don’t notice half of what’s happening around me, extremely non-envious, a seriously comfortable person to be around because I just don’t give a crap. Plus, I recently got into perfumes so I smell real nice.

Please consider this a job application and reach out if you are a languages department at a university in Florida.

9 thoughts on “Anybody Hiring?

  1. “It has become clear that I need to move to Florida…”

    I really think that you would be happier in Arizona! Both locations have extreme heat,but the AZ heat is very dry –devoid of FL’s “muggy” (very high humidity, VERY sweaty) atmosphere — and lacking Florida’s “buggy” infestation
    (millions of flying insect pests like disease-carrying mosquitoes and house flies and wasps) — not to mention the killer 20-plus-ft. invasive Burmese python snakes that are multiplying by the thousands in the Everglades and moving northward looking for prey the size of small deer or Klara. Also here in AZ, you also have no chance of drowning in our beautiful desserts, or being eaten by a stray shark.

    It’s also cheaper to live in AZ because prices aren’t jacked up to rip off rich tourists. Yes, FL has no state income tax, but overall it has a much higher cost-of-living index than AZ.

    As for finding work, we have good “hot too woke” universities out here,too.

    So, Clarissa, you really ought to reconsider your options for a new home in in a dry desert paradise like Southern Arizona!

    (You might even get to know some intelligent neighbors like the old man Dreidel down the block!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I HATE to correct small typos that should be obvious, but I definitely meant “NOT too woke” in my third paragraph about AZ universities!

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  2. Dear Applicant,
    Thank you very much for your interest. Unfortunately, we don’t think you’d be a good fit here. Our priorities at present include.:
    *petty feuds, academic, political and personal, the more trivial the better.
    *interesting and almost plausible reasons for failure to publish.
    *chasing the latest political fads (or alternately being stuck in the politics of some point several decades ago and stubbornly refusing to recognize how irrelevant they are to the present time).
    *intense jealousy and rage regarding anything to do with money.
    *as much drama as possible concerning student relations, class size and teaching obligations.
    Again, we thank you for your interest and wish you all the best in your future endeavors, but your strengths do not match our current needs.
    Sincerely,
    Every University Department

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    1. All true, unfortunately!

      People in academia do get attached to small, insignificant things and make a gigantic deal out of them. It’s so dumb. I’ve seen epic fights over which of the nearly identical textbooks to choose for Spanish 101. You’ve got to have no life at all to get so emotionally invested into the subject. In multi-section courses, I always tell people that I have no preference and will go with whatever textbook, or no textbook, they choose. It seems to upset everybody when I say that.

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  3. It’s probably true you’d be happier moving elsewhere, but also probably true that the ideal place might not be in Florida. You have “vacation goggles” on, which are known to make vacation spots seem vastly more desirable than they really are for long-term habitation. Then again, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look to move elsewhere. At your level of seniority, people usually don’t apply cold, so send out some feelers to trusted colleagues, see what comes back. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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