Secret Handshake

People who are unhappy with the current regime have a new secret handshake to recognize each other. It’s called “I’d like to move to Florida.” I’ve had conversations with complete strangers (a woman at my regular breakfast place and an attendant at the gas station) about “khm, khm, wink wink, Florida has really good schools, such a nice place for kids.” The next step in the conversation is, “well, we can try to make the whole country Florida in 2024, you know?” Then we discuss voter fraud and feel like we’ve found a kindred soul.

It’s a really great method because if you see that the interlocutor isn’t with it, you just say it’s all about the weather. Nobody can blame you for disliking the disgusting weather in this region. It’s one completely bipartisan issue.

If you are feeling isolated, try the “moving to Florida” gambit.

15 thoughts on “Secret Handshake

  1. I think Florida is going to experience very severe weather events in the next decades/centuries. I also don’t like the lack of mountains. But it’s a nice place to visit.

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    1. People have been predicting the “worst hurricane season EVAH!!” every year for decades. Because climate change or something. It’s still a pretty regular one catastrophic hurricane every ten years or so, and nothing that even approaches the damage or death toll of historic storms like the Galveston Flood or the 1928 Okeechobee hurricane. But they do inflate the (apparent) numbers by naming tropical depressions now, instead of waiting until they reach TS strength. This makes people go “Whoah, storms must be getting worse, because when I was a kid, we never went through the whole alphabet!” (facepalm).

      (shrugs) If you’re a mountains person, though– it’s true we ain’t got any. Personally, having grown up on the coastal plain, mountains freak me out a little. I mean, they’re nice to visit and all, but it’s terrifying what happens to all the water when you have a deluge in the mountains. Whoosh! right into the valley, carrying away everything in its path… On the coast, you know, it just runs off into the sea. Hurricanes at least give you a lot of warning, and it’s easy to consult a storm surge map and decline to live below the 15-foot line. It’s all about what risks you’re willing to live with.

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      1. I sure hope it’s all just doomer talk. My real problem is how narrow Florida is. Just seems to vulnerable with no easy escape route if you’re on the lower end.

        It’s funny to find someone freaked out by mountains. I’m kind of freaked out by the ocean, it’s so vast and unknowable. At least from the top of a mountain you can see what’s beneath you lol

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        1. “how narrow Florida is. Just seems to vulnerable with no easy escape route”

          I grew up in SW Florida and this was an issue during things like the Cuban Missile Crisis (I was too young to remember though one aunt had some weird plan about leaving info on the back of stop signs so we could follow an escape route) or hurricane scares (we drove north and inland to a relative’s house to sit those out though the same aunt exhausted everyone with emergency drills involving sheets and rope and candles…).

          I like the Rocky Mountains but tend to feel closed in and suffocated in wooded mountains (the Smokies were the worst for me though Southern Mexico around San Cristobal de las Casas was no picnic either).

          “terrifying what happens to all the water when you have a deluge in the mountains”

          My mother and I were driving west on US Route 34 exactly one week (almost to the hour) before the Big Thompson River flood in 1976. We realized that had be been driving on that night we would have stayed on the road to get out of the mountains and probably been killed in the flood….

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        2. “It’s funny to find someone freaked out by mountains.”

          It’s all about what you grew up with. It makes me nervous to be too far from the coast. Dunno why: I’m not a beach person. It’s like you gotta have a little salt in your nostrils or things aren’t right. I’ve lived in four states, and more cities, but under two hours from the sea in every case. Didn’t plan it that way, it just happens.

          It’s funny to think of the narrowness as a lack of escape routes. You can get on a boat from almost anywhere, and go… almost anywhere. Weather permitting.

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  2. OT, but did you see that the COVID eviction moratorium has been extended to Oct 3 now? They are making it impossible for anyone who’s not a gazillionaire to buy a house, and at the same time making it impossible to get a rental. Where the F are people supposed to live? Under the bridge? RV-park nation?

    The CDC is effectively making it impossible for non-rich people to move.

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      1. No, that colleague needs a comedy parody vacation in the Sunshine State …

        One complete with a beat-up pickup truck rental and a roach-infested vacation shack somewhere near Lake Okeechobee, naturally.

        Then this person can go back home and tell everyone with certainty how awful Florida is because of their intense experiences in such places off the beaten track as Clewiston.

        This Florida vacation moment has been sponsored by Florida Residents Apply Cracker Kindness, a Florida Crap Visitor Attitude Adjustment Program. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

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