Leave the Abuser

My friend left her husband because he was abusive. He beat her and raped her for years. Then, he started getting abusive towards their little girl in weird, sexualized ways. (Bit her on the neck, leaving teeth marks, for example).

So my friend left him. The ex continued being abusive. Not physically because she wasn’t there any more but he stalked, threatened, appeared out of nowhere to make threats. He once appeared at my parents’ house to threaten me. A huge burly guy. (No, I didn’t call the police because Canadian police were always extremely passive and uninterested until COVID. Now they have found their calling.)

The last time I saw him was at my friend’s funeral. She died of cancer. The ex got aggressive with me while we stood over her body. I’m sure he has some story in his head about how he’s a victim in this situation and was forced to do what he did. I’m also sure he’ll be abusing somebody until he’s in a coffin.

At least, I never heard anybody justify him. Yeah, but he felt threatened, yeah, but it’s his upbringing, yeah, but he was provoked. Thank goodness, we’ve evolved past that.

With Russia, though, we haven’t. Since 1946 globally and since forever locally, we are sitting and wondering, will they start a war? Will they get peeved over something? Have we done something to provoke? Has someone else done something to provoke? Are they feeling threatened? Upset? Maybe the time has come to stop doing it, is what I’m trying to say. There’s a great relief attendant on realizing that nobody is causing the abuse except the actual abuser.

8 thoughts on “Leave the Abuser

  1. I sometimes meditate in front of an animated atlas of country borders through history. It’s introduced a bit of additional worry and resignation to my life as I’ve come to see countries and places which I love to be necessarily transient. The one gain I have received is that I no longer see the Muscovy territories as a necessary unit of reality, and now actively try to think of it as less as a country and more as a collection of tensions and warring factions.

    At current day, of course, this is near entirely wishful thinking.

    What do you think keeps Russia together? Why does it remain a country?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is a great question. And the answer is, this. Being an empire, attacking, conquering, being a superpower, proving that they are bigger, stronger, more powerful.

      Yesterday, there was a segment on the Russian news where people were asked in the street if they’ll go to fight in Ukraine. The overwhelming majority said, yes, happily so. This is at the core of identity. It’s not situational. It’s permanent.

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      1. I read that most Russians don’t want to have a big war in Ukraine, is this false? How many casualties do you think they are willing to take?

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        1. Oh, they so do. Why do you think Putin is doing all this? The last time he invaded, it helped him eliminate all internal opposition non-violently and bring approval ratings into the high 70s. People want it passionately.

          As for casualties, families welcome then because it’s a chance to get a payout. It’s a culture with a low value of human life, so it’s not like we are here.

          Liked by 1 person

      2. ” Being an empire, attacking, conquering”

        It was very clear in the video Здравствуйте! Я Русский Оккупант (Hello, I’m the Russian Occupier)

        Putting the video below, there used to be a version with English subtitles but I can’t find it now….

        IINM it was an answer video to an earlier video (available with English subtitles)

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  2. “nobody is causing the abuse except the actual abuser”

    That reminds me of a passage in a P.D. James novel… (I’ll paraphrase the idea). A young girl realizes her mother is wrong – the father doesn’t beat her mother because he’s had too much to drink, he beats her because he likes it but he has to get drunk to find the courage to do so…

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  3. “With Russia, though, we haven’t. Since 1946 globally and since forever locally, we are sitting and wondering, will they start a war? Will they get peeved over something? Have we done something to provoke? Has someone else done something to provoke? Are they feeling threatened? Upset? Maybe the time has come to stop doing it, is what I’m trying to say. There’s a great relief attendant on realizing that nobody is causing the abuse except the actual abuser. ”

    I feel so bad for Ukrainians. This is such an abusive relationship. How many times has Russia starved, used, manipulated, killed, Ukraine throughout history?
    The geopolitics of it make a lot of sense for Russia to want to control Ukraine, but from what I’ve read in this blog and elsewhere, there is also a strong psychological element for this abuse where Russia just need to have Ukraine subjugated.

    The silver lining to me seems to be that Ukrainians are in a good position to bloody Russia badly if it tries again. With full support of the West, I think Ukrainians have the funding, arms, logistics, intelligence, etc. to mount a good fight and possible insurgency. I really hope they can break this cycle of abuse.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Absolutely, it’s an overpowering emotional and psychological investment that goes beyond reason. Russian stock market collapsed. Their central bank stopped buying foreign currency because the ruble is in the toilet. Yet they press on. It makes no logical sense yet it keeps happening.

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