Eat Your Lies

A funny, life-affirming story that goes straight to the heart of the war in Ukraine.

Russian troops occupied a small Ukrainian village. An old babushka comes out. “My sons! Thank you for liberating us! Come to my house, I’ll feed you!”

The Russians follow her and the babushka serves them a nice, big meal. And the poor bastards are so in thrall to their own lies that they believe that the babushka whose village they shelled within an inch of its life is going to serve them anything that isn’t filled with rat poison.

Of course, babushka poisoned them. This is a great example of people literally choking on their own propaganda.

13 thoughts on “Eat Your Lies

    1. “baked them a pie”

      The version I heard (recorded conversation between Russian soldier and girlfriend with Polish subtitles) the word used was ‘paszteciki’ – individual servings of baked or fried dough with fillings. I really don’t know how to translate it…

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      1. That’s what in my part of the world we call pierogi. And what Western Ukraine calls pierogi, we call vareniki.

        But I wouldn’t mind calling it паштетики like the Poles because it sounds extremely cute.

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          1. Vareniki are smaller. And clearly tastier but that’s regional pride thinking. Vareniki often come with cherries inside, which I don’t think is a typical filling for pierogi. Not that I ever tried pierogi. Regional pride is everything. 🙂

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            1. Pierogi with cherries exist in Poland but strawberries or blueberries are more common fruit fillings. There are also ones with sweet white cheese.
              Savory flavors are meat (I think beef/pork) or cabbage and mushroom (together), and potato/white cheese (known as ruskie which some confuse with ‘russian’ but which actually means ‘ruthenian’).
              Pelmeni

              Paszteciki exist but aren’t super common either. The closest equivalent to pelmeni are called uszka (little ears) but usually have a vegetarian filling and are put in beet broth.

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  1. “Paszteciki sound like galushki”

    Huh? Galuska is a type of Hungarian noodle (very close to Austro-Bavarian spaetzle). I think we can confuse each other no end if we talk about food from this part of the world…

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  2. I’m not finding many English language sources on this. Is there one that you recommend?

    The good news is that even if it isn’t accurate, apparently Russian soldiers are telling the story to each other. Which can’t be good for morale.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have no English sources but I do have another story.

      A convoy of enemy tanks was advancing towards Kharkiv. Our soldiers didn’t have time to get there to stop them. So a 78yo grandpa came out with a bunch of homemade Molotov cocktails and started lobbing them at the tanks. The first one in the convoy got hit. The convoy was forced to stop. This gave our troops enough time to get there and destroy the convoy.

      I don’t know if the grandpa is real or a character of folk literature but it’s true that the convoy was destroyed. I saw videos of smoldering remains and strewn about body parts.

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      1. So now I’m picturing a horror movie about Baba Yaga killing Russians in Ukraine. Opens with a Russian general giving a propaganda speech about how Ukraine is the historical home of the Russian people. All of their oldest folktales go back to Ukraine. Standard Putinoid propaganda.

        Meanwhile, a Ukrainian officer tells stories about how the Ukrainians fought the Nazis, and pays homage to a Ukrainian female hero of WW2. (Loosely based on the many Ukrainian women who fought the Nazis and earned military honors.) We’ll call her Yelena Chernenko.

        A month later, a team of Ukrainian soldiers are trapped in a forest surrounded on all sides by Russians. Their communications gear is out of batteries so they have no idea if any friendly forces are nearby. Then they hear gunshots, find a bunch of mangled Russian corpses, and one of them thinks he saw Chernenko running off.

        Another unit of Russian soldiers find another pile of mangled Russian corpses, and one of them thinks he saw an old woman running off. The others laugh at him.

        As time goes on, the Russians debate whether Baba Yaga is hunting them. Some insist that it’s just an ordinary Ukrainian unit, maybe with some women.

        The Ukrainians come across a female scout of the Ukrainian army who reports that friendly forces are incoming but she doesn’t know when. Her radio is also damaged. They don’t know whether she’s a Russian spy.

        Russians show up and kill her in a fight. The other Ukrainians escape. The Russians say “See, just a flesh and blood woman.” One of them decides to rape her corpse. Then Baba Yaga shows up and kills him and his comrades.

        The surviving Ukrainians have a plan to make it across a bridge, then use their last explosives to destroy the bridge. But they are forced to use some of the explosives to win the fight, and when they try to blow the bridge it doesn’t work. Russians start coming across the bridge, but they are torn to pieces. The Russians see Baba Yaga and the Ukrainians see Yelena Chernenko. The Ukrainians make it home.

        One Russian survives. He took a photo of Baba Yaga and wants to share it with military intelligence. But he’s starving. An old woman invites him into her cottage for food. The sign on the door says “Chernenko residence.”

        Liked by 1 person

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