COVID Statement

The “COVID statement” we have to include in our syllabi this semester is very crazy, even for an already bizarre genre. It starts by saying that we have no COVID requirements. No social distancing, no mask mandates, no testing. This is all well and good and reflects objective reality, albeit quite needlessly because what’s the point of listing the limitations that don’t exist? “Please note that on our campus it’s not forbidden to eat lunch and there’s no requirement to stand on your head for 3 hours in order to do it.” OK, good to know, moving on now, you cray-cray clowns.

However, after the short paragraph on the lack of COVID reqs, the statement goes nutso-cuckoo-boom-boom and lists, in an increasingly shrill tone, the punishments that – wait for it! – you would receive if there were a mask and testing requirement and you broke it.

Three pages, people! It goes on like this for 3 pages. I changed the font to Times New Roman 9 but it’s still taking up more room that the rest of the syllabus.

It’s as if once people said the word “COVID”, they simply couldn’t stop. They have to go on and on, praying to their one true god.

11 thoughts on “COVID Statement

  1. You should definitely add another page to yours! It should include even more things that are not required, along with the imaginary punishments you will definitely not suffer should you violate the non-existent rule. We do not require students, professors, or trained animal actors to perform synchronized swimming routines. If you are caught engaging in synchronized swimming, you will not be required to pay the 20-soles fine in Japanese yen, according to the current exchange rate. Students and faculty are not required to refrain from farting in the library. If you are caught farting in the library, you will not be required to mow the quad with your teeth.

    You can’t be penalized for it, because it would all be completely true, no?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is way too much fun to stop now!

      Students and faculty are not required to display ID upon entering or exiting stairwells. You will not be required to participate in experiments by the psych department if you fail to display ID upon entering or exiting stairwells.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. You are not required to do the hokey-pokey each time the phrase “diversity, equity, and inclusion” is mentioned. You will not be blacklisted from future employment in the field of your choice for failure to hokey-pokey. If you choose to hokey-pokey at the mention of DEI and can offer proof of same, you will be awarded one bonus point on one assignment.

          Liked by 1 person

    2. Power is a strong drug, stronger than any aphrodisiac. Controlling the behaviour of others must give some people such highs that we cannot even imagine the half of it.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. The template syllabus we are given is 16 pages long because it includes a dozen statements on diversity, inclusion, anti-racism, land acknowledgements, and other woke things. We aren’t required to use the template but it’s “strongly encouraged.” I can’t think of a better way to make students hate school before they’ve taken a single class because it’s boring bureaucratic language that goes on forever.

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  2. Can you put your syllabus (the works you teach and course requirements) first and only afterwards copy those statements?

    I am afraid that some students won’t find / read the course syllabus , if it is hidden behind endless walls of pointless text.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Of course, I put the garbage at the very end. In the lower-level courses, in particular, we have a very complex structure, and I can distract students from what really matters.

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