I talked about this before because this transformation was unsought, painful, and unpleasant and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I described this process as it happened here on the blog but I do want to answer the question because you see things differently after the first, most painful stages of the process are behind you.
I’m an immigrant. I didn’t know anything when I came, so I took what was said to me at face value. And what I was told – in academia, on TV, in the press – was very left-wing. I didn’t know it was left-wing, of course. I thought it was what everybody believed. I thought that it was the truth. I accepted completely at face value that Americans are extremely racist, that everything was bad because Christian fundamentalists controlled everything, that women were terribly oppressed and at risk of being raped at any moment, that black people in jail were overwhelmingly innocent, that “the white flight” was caused by racism, that there were 11 million illegal immigrants in the country and that figure had not changed in a decade, that all illegal migrants were planning to leave of their own free will, that anybody who disagreed with any of this was filled with hatred, and so on. I even believed that men could be women, or at least, tried very hard to convince myself I believed it.
I thought that any alternative explanation of history and society was based on extreme bigotry. I shared before that when I decided to read my very first conservative book at the age of almost 40, I had to prepare myself to read it because I was sure it would be filled with horrific racist and sexist insults. I honestly believed that.
The reason why I picked up that very first conservative book is because I was starting to get vaguely suspicious. The things I was hearing around me weren’t making sense. A terrible, terrible suspicion visited me that maybe there was another story. Another explanation of how things were and why they were. I knew that following my instinct would bring great loneliness. I tried to ignore my doubts but finally, in complete secret from everybody, I got that first conservative book and opened it with shaking fingers. It had been so drummed into my head that only disgusting, horrible people read such stuff that I felt vile just for being curious. I now know what gay people in extremely oppressive societies feel when they first allow themselves to think, “hey, what if, just if, it’s not as evil as everybody says?”
So I started reading the book and… absolutely shockingly it was making sense. It was making a lot more sense than the system of beliefs that I had been told to consider the only acceptable one. The conservative book didn’t ask me to deny the evidence of my “lying eyes.” It didn’t ask me to break the laws of logic and contort my brain into weird shapes. I thought I was losing my mind.
I read 10, 15, 20 more books. Every variety of conservatism. History, politics, society, journalism, everything. There was a whole world there, and it was making sense. The weight of loneliness, of unwillingness to accept that I now have an unforgivable secret, that I’m now a pariah convinced me not to come out. I was going to stay in the closet.
But then the Kavanaugh hearing happened. Like a gay man who sees a gay bashing right in front of him, I couldn’t stay silent. I’m very grateful to the readers of this blog who stuck by after my big ideological change. It takes an exceptional degree of true tolerance, and I appreciate that. You are good people, you truly are.
This happens to immigrants a lot, by the way. We hear one side only and out of a desire to belong and not knowing where to look for an alternative, we accept it as gospel truth. It takes a high degree of tolerance for social exclusion and a very active brain to step outside the circle. In my everyday life, I’m in contact with people who use the word “conservative” only as an insult. Even the few people I came out to in person forget or repress the terrible knowledge and keep doing it.