No matter how much I fight old demons, they are as much an inheritance as my blue eyes and brown hair. The sad fact is that I couldn’t do it without Usha. Even at my best, I’m a delayed explosion—I can be defused, but only with skill and precision. It’s not just that I’ve learned to control myself but that Usha has learned how to manage me.
Usha was delighted that I’d changed my mind before she yelled at me to stop acting like a lunatic (which has happened in the past), and she told me that she was proud of me for resisting my natural instinct.
She calmly told me through her tears that it was never acceptable to run away, that she was worried, and that I had to learn how to talk to her. And then she gave me a hug and told me that she accepted my apology and was glad I was okay. That was the end of it.
That’s what he actually reveals in public. The worst of this cuckery is, as always, kept secret.
Clarissa's Blog 
“Usha has learned how to manage me”
Okay… this might…. dismay you but everything you posted here is boilerplate American conservative marriage dogma… men are hotheaded and savage and crude and the wife’s role is to tame and direct (civilize, moderate, mediate) their unruly personalities so they can be constructive…
I’ve seen lots of iterations of the same ideas over and over from the American right and one of those reasons, cause it’s so weird and icky, that I never have (and likely never will) go full conservative.
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She talks to him like a clumsy single mother to a 6-year-old. By age 10, this no longer works on most kids. An adult woman talking in this way to an adult man… How does he manage to sleep with her after this? It’s beyond emasculating.
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This is surely pretty traditional for a wife to manage emotional problems of her husband…
But on the other hand it makes them sound human… What should the proper conservative leader be, a Terminator?
v07
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Remember “Москва слезам не верит”?
“Если ещё хоть раз ты позволишь себе хотя бы заговорить со мной в подобной форме …”
Even a Soviet factory worker Gosha had the dignity to stop this kind of thing in its tracks.
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I never watched the movie in question and therefore am not sure what you are trying to say with this example. But in general a Soviet man depicted in a Soviet movie has zero authority for me in terms of psychological health. There are contexts where saying what this Gosha said would be highly inappropriate – for instance if the man was abusive, or acted in overly entitled manner and has been confronted about that by his partner.
Based on the example you cited (I did not read anything else about DJV and Usha’s relationship) it is hard to say if she still keeps managing his emotional states or not any more.
IMHO it is better for a woman to avoid men behaving as described. Her staying with DJV and helping him process may indicate she is codependent or something, so not sure if she really can control him. Being educated or rich is not synonymous to psychological health…
v07
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He hasn’t ever been around normal adults growing up. He hasn’t seen adults demonstrate good parenting, communicating well with one’s partner, or properly managing one’s own emotions.
It sounds like if you decide to build a family with him, you’ll be playing therapist as you work through his issues. It’s a life-long project, and that’s what she’s doing.
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Exactly. She’s his substitute parent. So whose political leanings will carry sway, his or his substitute mommy’s?
I wouldn’t care if these people weren’t two breaths away from the White House. But this is a bumbling little boy managed by a wokester who is completely in control of him. That’s disturbing to me.
Besides, he’s physically unwell. What people take for eyeliner is actually evidence that he is diabetic. So a mentally and physically compromised dude with a woke handler. We are so screwed.
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On a serious note, I can share what a woman who is actually in love with a man from a dysfunctional background does. She doesn’t “manage” him or lecture him like a school marm. She lets him figure out his issues with an analyst, a guru, a religious leader, an authority figure, etc. I am such a woman, and under no scenario would I play these games on a live human being, especially the one I claimed to love.
Remember that she’s mega educated and from a very rich family. He might be confused but she knows what she’s doing.
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Can you write more about this topic? Does your husband’s dysfunctional background cause tension in your relationship? How do you deal with it? Are there behaviors of his that you find hurtful but that you choose to overlook because you are aware of his background?
In my (Ex-soviet)family people make many excuses about peoples difficult background, and excuse all sorts of hurtful, cruel behavior. In my ex-husbands (non-ex-soviet) family there was also endless tiptoeing around peoples insecurity and difficult pasts. So I’m very curious about how people make things work in functional marriages/relationships.
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I’m also from a very dysfunctional background. The jury is still out on whether N’s family dysfunction is greater than mine. 🙂 I’m sure you know what I mean. It would be bizarre to expect a totalitarian regime of 70 years not to have made a huge dent in people’s psyches. We are all mega screwed up.
I’m really not a woman to put up with any relationship discomfort. But it wasn’t on the cards anyway. My family scenario is the one where the woman is an abusive piece of shit to everybody. I had to teach myself to function in a different way. It was a process, and I’m very proud that I managed to do it. The role of a petty household tyrant is pleasing but I chose a different path.
We both work on it, a lot. I believe it’s a really big deal that, with our backgrounds, we have such a peaceful, wonderful family life. Gosh, that we are both still living is an achievement, given that there was a lot of self-destructive behavior in the past.
So yeah, it’s doable if people want it to be. But a difficult past is absolutely no excuse for present piggishness. Nobody is entitled to hurt people in their lives. Nobody should put up with it ever, no matter what the excuse.
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Same anonymous here- The relationship blueprint I got growing up was also that the woman was an abusive piece of shit to everyone (within the family. Friends that could choose to leave were a different story and were generally treated quite well.). This was rationalized as being essential for survival. I chose not to do that, because it was obviously not essential for survival in North America….and ended up putting up with a lot of shit in my marriage that in retrospect I should not have put up with, which confused many of my North American friends.
-YZ
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There are also weird relationship patterns in the US. Women bend over backwards to pretend they are perfect little robots, then it gets to them and they blow up like a nuclear explosion over something trivial. And then the whole cycle begins again. It’s weird, this fake, glassy perfection. And it’s fed by social media because now everybody has an audience to perform to.
This is, I guess, why so many of these women liked the movie Barbie.
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How are you diagnosing him with diabetes from his “eyeliner”?
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He doesn’t need a guru or a religious leader, he needs therapy. Or analysis, as you prefer. And he might be the type who is against that. I imagine that is the situation with many conservative men, as the commenters above have pointed out, whose wives end up playing that role.
You’re projecting your specific situation onto everything and everyone.
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It is not in any way conservative to be treated like a little boy by your wife. My whole point is that these people are not conservative. Please try to concentrate and follow what’s being said.
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“not in any way conservative to be treated like a little boy by your wife.”
But American conservative rhetoric around marriage tends to have a lot of that…. I think in a lot of or most cases (wives of Matt Walsh or Michael Knowles, or a few others) it’s more LARPing and/or marital game…. while JDV is clearly a lot more damaged and takes it more seriously because… he doesn’t have the context for acting like a competent adult.
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Yes, and as a result he’s putty in the hands of this woman he idolizes. He’s got no defenses. And yes, it’s entirely possible that he somehow hobbled on to the idea of devaluing the US dollar on his own. But it’s also possible that it was fed to him by people who want to see the US strength undermined.
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I have no opinion on how he got the dollar idea, but why are you so sure that he’ll follow her beliefs rather than her taking on his?
Other than your psychoanalysis of their relationship from his book. What has he done to make you think so?
There’s nothing shameful about her playing mommy, as you call her behavior. Unlike other screwed up men whose wives tiptoe around them, theirs is a relationship where both partners are aware of the issues he’ll be dealing with.
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If you wanted to go the conspiracy route, what that looks like is:
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No matter what, we are getting a progressive lady from India controlling the WH. It’s clearly meant to be.
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So now we’ve jumped from progressive lady from India controlling her husband to controlling the white house. Do you seriously believe she’ll control Donald Trump? When has the wife of a vice president had any control over the white house in the history of this country? Ever.
I think you’re reaching.
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You think they’ll actually get real security for Trump?
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He needs to hire his own people. Hopefully supplied by Erik Prince.
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We’ve already seen Ivanka’s pouting and Kim Kardashian’s prattling have inordinate effect on the first Trump administration. So this would be well in keeping with how things tend to be. Jared left his sticky hand prints all over that administration. We got no action on immigration in large part because of Jared.
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I still don’t see what he’s done or said that tells you he’s woke. His stance on immigration is excellent. Wouldn’t someone controlled by an ultra-woke wife have these positions? He’s literally talked blood and soil nationalism (American is not an idea but a people, etc.).
He’s called his feminist opponents childless cat ladies. Is this the sign of someone who’s (excuse my language) pussywhipped?
I’m happy to change my mind but I’d like to see evidence of wokeism from his utterances or actions.
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typo: “…would someone controlled…”
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These “stances on immigration” have produced zero results. In 4 years of Trump’s administration, we’ve seen no mass deportations, no wall, no executive order on anchor babies. It’s all words. How is it valuable to have all these words and no action?
The cat ladies remark is exactly the kind of sabotage I’m talking about. I personally know two “childless cat ladies” who were excited to vote for Trump. Then this dude goes on TV and insults them. For what purpose? Trump is already doing poorly with women. The expression “childless women” sits badly with every woman who has had trouble getting pregnant. And that’s a lot of women. That some dude who can’t remotely understand what pregnancy is like would through around such vocabulary is not attractive. So why is he doing it? I see two possibilities. He’s either very tone-deaf and inept or being manipulated into sabotaging.
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“In 4 years of Trump’s administration, we’ve seen no mass deportations, no wall, no executive order on anchor babies. It’s all words. “
Surely it’s not Vance’s fault. He hasn’t even been a senator for that long.
So you have nothing, other than what he said in his book.
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I’m sorry that your reading comprehension skills haven’t reached beyond 3rd-grade level. Maybe you should go work on that instead of pouting over here that people confuse you with all these complicated sentences.
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What would it take for a dude to understand what pregnancy is like, other than becoming an ob/gyn? Would having 3 kids with your wife impart some understanding?
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What would it take for a woman to understand what it means to have a penis? Would having her husband pee next door to where she sleeps impart some understanding?
Honestly, what’s with the childishness?
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““Trump is cultural heroin. He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.”
And he’s not wrong. A happy pill relieves the pain for a bit but cures nothing. I feel the pain and even a momentary relief is deeply enjoyable, so I’m not blaming anyone. Still, it is what it is.
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Not to mention he tried to reverse a rule that prevented law enforcement from accessing medical records of women who may leave the state to get abortions (gotta love those live-and-let-live “respect the constitution” conservatives)
Sybil
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This has zero chance of surviving a constitutional challenge but every chance to anger all sorts of voters.
With all the criminal justice problems we are experiencing, this is the issue we should care about? Obviously, not so I have to wonder why this is being done.
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OK, I didn’t chime in directly on the “pathetic gratitude” and “husband management” thing yet, because there was something niggling at my memory that I couldn’t quite tease out. It’s been a while since I read Vance’s book. I don’t quite grok your take on it, but there *was* something that bothered me about how he talked about his wife/marriage in the book. I have been waiting for it to come back to me.
It finally surfaced. It doesn’t bother me that he’s grateful to his wife for putting up with his childhood abandonment issues and is working with him on it for the sake of their marriage/family. It doesn’t bother me that he’s grateful to her for tutoring him in the finer points of not offending people or looking like a rube at fancy dinners.
What bothered me is that a big part of what he’s grateful to both his wife, and Yale, for, is grooming him for power and money, and introducing him to the power-broker tier of society.
It strongly suggests that long before he even wrote the book, he’d been spotted, tagged as a good prospect, and groomed for political power. And that this is something that is very appealing to him.
And that is why I don’t like the prospect of him as VP. He’s part of a stable of up-and-coming prospects who didn’t get to where they are, on their own. He belongs to the people who trained and prodded him, and will not be representing you or me.
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And those people who trained and propped him are aggressively liberal. And with much higher IQs.
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Exactly. His primary loyalties are to people who are definitely not on our side. That right there is the problem with him as veep.
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Hmmm, aggressively liberal and with much higher IQs, surely you jest ;-D
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He says that himself in his autobiography.
Why is it surprising, though? If we agree that IQ is heritable, a child of college professors from India does have a higher IQ than a son of junkies from Appalachia.
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Agreed, there is little doubt that intelligence, like many human traits, is largely heritable. Actually, it was appending aggresively to the word liberal that bothered me; the bloody excesses of both supposed liberal and conservative policies in the last century led to the death of many millions. And now, the assumptions regatding both college professors and Appalachian people disturbs me more than a little ;-D
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It’s not any Appalachian people, of course. It’s this specific family. I once again recommend Vance’s book. He described his family there, as well as Usha’s, in great detail. I’m not inventing anything. It’s all in his own book.
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Fair enough, I have not read his book, nor watched the movie. But have seen enough drugs, alcoholism. repeated interventions, and divorce within my extended family and close friends to avoid seeking any more misery. That destruction can and does run through generations.
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This is all very amusing bait to draw out JV defenders. But it’s fine to detest Vance because of his stance on Ukraine.
The mommy and daddy issues, and cracks about childless cat ladies and the proposal that the more kids you have the more votes you should get are extra.
.
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