What I recommend is getting there not through the intellect but through practice. Go to church (synagogue, mosque, temple, etc) and simply do what everybody else does. Start showing up every week and following other people’s lead. It’s going to feel weird and awkward but stick with it. It’s all in the practice, ritual, and community. Religion is not about solitary striving. It allows you to be part of something that’s bigger than yourself. It gives you a respite from having to choose and decide everything for yourself. Many, many generations of people worked hard to give you the gift of a consolidated ritual where all you need to do is show up.
Religion doesn’t have a ticket to entry. You don’t need to have it all settled in your mind before starting the practice. Instead, you can simply fold yourself into the ritual that’s all there for you and enjoy the sheer restfulness of it.
As for reading, even the tiniest of parishes have a Bible study, a reading group, a prayer group. This is best done in the spirit of togetherness.
When I first started going to church, I was the mother of a small child and overwhelmed by responsibility at home and at work. I found Orthodox service to be extremely long and confusing. I knew nothing about the dogma. But the relief of being in a place where I didn’t need to decide anything because it had all been decided for me a thousand years ago was magnetic. It doesn’t matter why you go. It matters that you go.
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