We have a big award ceremony every year where students get prizes for academic achievement. I usually manage to award 8-9 students from my department. This year I’m only awarding two. Not because we don’t have great students but because the university decided to change the entire system of award management at the exact time when there’s a hiring freeze and a historically low number of employees.
To say that this is a flustercuck does not begin to cover the issue. The scholarships are endowed by donors, and I have a bunch of very irate donors on my hands who don’t understand why we aren’t managing to give their money away if they already donated it.
It’s the craziest situation. I have the money. Lots of money. I have deserving students. I have donors who gave the money and want it to go to the students. A large banquet hall was reserved. The catering is paid for. And we can’t award. It’s not just me. Everybody has the same problem. That I managed to drag at least two students across the finish line of unhinged austere bureaucracy is already a miracle.
Have you ever tried explaining to an elderly widow who endowed an award in the name of her late husband of 62 years that this year his name won’t be read from the stage at the awards ceremony? And she can’t come to the event? Although she comes every year and it’s a big highlight of her life?
“But why can’t I come?” the widow asks in a shaky voice. “I love this event. It’s so good to spend time with young people. I tell them about my husband and how much he loved languages. Are you sure I can’t come?”
And I feel like the shittiest shit known to humanity.
Clarissa's Blog 
Wait, your departmental awards come with money?
(jealousy)
-ethyl
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Yes, we have great donors. I’ve met with them monthly for 6 years. So they donate. Only last month one of them donated $10,000. My work of 6 years is being wasted.
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“she can’t come to the event”
What on earth is the justification for that? I mean… what?????
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I’ll tell you but promise to believe me. Because I already feel extremely gaslit and can’t take any more right now.
The stipulation of the award is “for activities including, but not limited to, travel to Italy.” The new person in charge of the awards has a different reading of this phrase than I do. She insists that it means only travel to Italy can be funded. I’ve been trying to make the case that “not limited to” means, you know, “not limited to.” I have not been able to persuade her. Which is why we are not allowed to give out the award since the student travel course to Italy has been cancelled.
See? I knew you wouldn’t believe me. Nobody does. I have reams of correspondence regarding my original and bizarre reading of the phrase “not limited to”, though. So there’s proof.
Now imagine me trying to explain all this to the widow in her eighties.
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Sounds like grounds for a lawsuit.
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I now have dreams where I try to explain to people the meaning of the phrase “including but not limited to” but nobody understands.
One thing I really didn’t have on my bingo card.
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“for activities including, but not limited to, travel to Italy”
If I think like a lawyer douchebag and squint one eye I can kind of see interpreting the ‘travel to Italy’ as being a prerequisite (possibly augmented by other activies). But… this kind of award helps the outside prestige of the university and not giving it out is at best neutral or bad publicity.
The only reason I can think of to insist on the lawyer douche interpretation is to take the money and use it for something else which might be the goal… though it also seems like an invitation for a lawsuit.
Have you been able to verify that the funds aren’t going elsewhere (and if not rewarded should be returned to the donor)?
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The reason is actually a lot more primitive. The university wants to save on the banquet hall size and the expense of catering. So a directive was pushed to use every means possible to limit the number of guests at the event. I will still get the money to the students. But they won’t be on stage and the donors won’t be at the banquet. This is the play here. To have fewer people eat fewer appetizers. A kind soul in the administration explained it to the dumb, naive me.
One method used is that the dude in charge of the awards ceremony is sending out his email address with a typo. People write to him, and the emails don’t get bounced because it’s an actual email box. But not his official email box so he has plausible deniability if people ask why he doesn’t answer emails.
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“The university wants to save on the banquet hall size and the expense of catering”
Years ago, I forget the context, but I mentioned to a group of students (not during class) that a sure sign a company is in big economic trouble is when they begin trying to economize on things like office supplies.
Some time later, one thanked me, because suddenly the company she was working for began doing just that and she quickly jumped ship and the company went under shortly thereafter (apparently the owner got in over his head with crypto…).
Same vibes… (of course nothing new to you….)
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They are serving appetizers. We are so skint we can’t afford bloody appetizers. The wealth promised by neoliberal leadership never materializes. After years of Austerity and budget cuts, we have less money than ever.
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// I will still get the money to the students. But they won’t be on stage and the donors won’t be at the banquet.
Is the administration too stupid to realize the donors will stop donating if they cannot get even this small recognition and see the students?
Why do not they care at all about the damage to the university?
Just had a thought whether this could be presented as hurting minority students that diversity supporters pretend to care about.
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I’ve spent years cultivating these donors. I admire them greatly. They are so dedicated to honoring their Italian heritage. And most of them don’t even have Italian last names. These are great people.
Today I had to go back to the office and I think I might be able to add one more student to the two I’ve already managed to ram through the system. None for the Italian award, though.
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