Time and again, one encounters people sharing a tired old maxim that “monogamy is incredibly hard.” Just like any other piece of “common knowledge”, this one is half-right. Monogamy is extremely hard for people who are not monogamous. Just like passing for straight is for a gay person. Or pretending to be polyamorous to please somebody when it isn’t your thing.
For people who are monogamous not as a result of interiorizing societal dictates but because it is their own, genuine sexual preference, there is nothing complicated about it. Just the opposite, everything other than monogamy is incredibly hard while being monogamous is the only thing that comes naturally and easily.
So if you find monogamy “incredibly hard”, maybe you should look into what your true sexuality is like. Chances are, monogamy isn’t the problem. Rather, your efforts to adopt a sexual preference that doesn’t come naturally to you are causing you all this hardship.
Clarissa's Blog 
I agree. I’ve never had a problem with monogamous relationships. I feel like most people who say “monogamy is hard” are just looking for excuse to cheat on/dump their partners the minute someone new comes along, rather than attempt to break societal norms by choosing polyamory.
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Agreed. It can also appear hard if you are simply not into the person you are with, and you are forcing yourself to be with them.
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Exactly! It has become somewhat fashionable to dump on monogamy when the real problem lies elsewhere.
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It probably would be better to say that “relationships” are hard, as they all need to be worked on continually. 🙂
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But as I’ve said before, I think this is another one of those truisms that are only half true. If getting along or working it out with someone feels like a chore, it’s a bad sign. I say they’re hard if you’re fundamentally incompatible and should really hang it up, or if you have really poor relationship skills in general, or if you have unrealistic ideas about relationships. For example, one of my relatives thinks marriage means spending all the time you’re not at work, together. This makes her marriage hard even though they’re good people and a good match.
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I’m glad you wrote this. It’s something that a lot of people fail to understand when I explain my relationship; Jaime is monogamous, I am for the most part as well, but we have an understanding that if either of us feels a mutual desire for another person and gets the chance to partake, it isn’t the end of the world. As long as everyone is aware, consenting, and happy, what’s the problem?
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Absolutely! It is also important to remember that no kind of sexuality is morally or ethically superior to another. We are taught to believe that being monogamous somehow means you are a better person. This is completely untrue, though. It’s just the way one is sexually and it happens through no agency of one’s own. Assigning moral value to monogamy or polyamory is as senseless as thinking that people with big ears are mprally superior to people with small ears.
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—This is completely untrue, though. It’s just the way one is sexually and it happens through no agency of one’s own.
I guess you are conflating two things here. Preference which one happens to have through no agency of one’s own is one thing (but even here, didn’t we discuss recently if such totally natural not-influenced-by-anything preferences even exist?). Ability to successfully handle the challenges either monogamy or open relationships offer is another thing. The latter comes from personal growth, which is all about one’s agency.
But you are right that one option is not “morally superior” to another. In fact, even though details differ, successfully handling either path requires certain level of personal development, which many do not have. (I’ve met two couples who claimed to have open relationship. In both cases one of the partners was in fact upset even with other partner’s opposite sex friends without benefits…)
I even suspect that one needs exactly the same aspects of personal development to handle both paths, but I am just a theorist. 🙂
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So simple, and so true!
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What about when you don’t mind your own sexual flings but prefer NOT to “share”your partner with whom you are in a monogamous relationship! 😀 selfish? Insecure?
I am of that selfish mindset. I can not bear the idea. If it comes down to it, I’ve told my partner DO NOT TELL ME if you sleep with someone else And that I can never find out about his sexual exploits. I honestly wish I did not feel this way. I applaud those of you who can handle that situation. Im hypocritical because I can very well put my self in a sexual position where at the end of the night its all about the body!
As I write this I realized something. My man isn’t a woman so he can’t provide that feminine touch my bisexual nature craves! But I don’t think I comfortable enough (might never be) to share my bed with him and another woman. Societal Norm? Nah.
Hmmm….
-.-“
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I’m totally with you! I would love to do polyamory, but I would always be hurt if and when my main partner got intimate with others. But I have enormous desires to be intimate with other men and women. I also acknowledge that there is most likely no such thing as a healthy polygamous relationship. So what’s a girl to do??!!!
For now I tough it out with monogamy, mostly because of social norms… but I don’t buy that I necessarily have a different sexuality. I think some people feel needs for one person or multiple people depending on their personalities / hormones/ who they know / circumstance etc. but I don’t think this is any way comparable to homosexuality.
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All relationships are hard sometimes, but they should never be hard all the time. In other words, even the most devoted natural monogamist can be tempted, but if you’re continually being tempted, then maybe as suggested you aren’t naturally monogamous and should decide whether the work/benefit ratio provided by monogamy is good enough, or perhaps simpler still, you are trying to be monogamous with the wrong person.
I’ve seen that happen – male friend of mine had a series of relationships that all foundered. Sometimes because he cheated, but more often because he wanted to, and he was honest enough not to want to be with a person that he could do that to. And yet, he couldn’t see his way clear to being in an open relationship either. He was single for a long while, and then quite suddenly about five years ago he fell in love, and has been serenely monogamous ever since.
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Monogamy is rarely natural and even for those who feel it natural, it’s very complicated to find someone that feels the same way.
In Québec, if you tell to a woman that you’re not monogamous, she will consider you as a bastard even if she’s not monogamous herself, so we have to not tell this to have sex with her.
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Totally agree. As a pretty strong monogamist myself, I’d add that the signals society throws out are not uniquely pro-monogamy anymore. These days, there’s a pretty strong current of belief that says that if you want to stay with only one person and haven’t “experimented” and so on, you’re totally weird. The pressure definitely goes both ways. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everybody just took care of their *own* sex lives?
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The only way to develop a really deep relationship with another person is to be monogamous. Trust and caring for another person as the exclusive being in one’s world brings out the very best in the other person. I always feel sorry for people who sleep around casually. It is a sure sign that they do not feel deeply for another, just for themselves. Such a person cannot ever really find the great joy that comes from a deep relationship.
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The only way to develop a really deep relationship with another person is to be monogamous.
While this may be the only way for you to develop a really deep relationship with another person, it’s demonstrably untrue for some of us who are polyamorous. Additionally, there are plenty of poly folk who don’t sleep around casually.
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