Why I Don’t Like Myself
It seems like today will be a “Negative List-Making Day” for me. I need to get all this negativity out before proceeding with the rest of the week, though, so bear with me.
I don’t like myself right now because:
- I’m messy and disorganized. Or, rather, I have an organized, responsible persona and a disorganized messy persona, and the latter always ends up defeating the former.
- I have a very bizarre system of priorities that keeps undermining me.
- I keep forgetting that beating your head against a wall only results in brain damage and does nothing to remove the wall.
- I’m infantilizing myself by not learning to drive, which is a very stupid thing to do.
- I never answer emails on time, except when they are from students.
- And the worst part of all: I keep putting off my research, the part of my life that never disappoints and that always gives my life meaning, for the sake of stupid and meaningless things that do disappoint on a regular basis. This way, I can continue being a receptacle for the shit people want to unload on me while nothing of value gets done.
So I’m using this opportunity to make this public pledge on my blog:
Never again will I do anything (no matter how much people exhort me, plead with me and cajole me into doing it) before I have finished my research activities for the day. Until I’ve done my writing, everybody and everything can go stand in a queue.
Believe me, folks, never again will I engage in this self-defeating, self-sabotaging game.
And now I will go and organize my papers.