“How You Can Tell That a Man Loves You”

Disclaimer: Since I keep getting misunderstood these days, here is a disclaimer. This post is not meant as an attack on anybody or a criticism of anybody. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. Breathe in deep and try not to take it personally.

I’m such a spoil sport. Whenever I see a list aimed at categorizing human behavior, I feel an irrepressible urge to demolish it. Here is my response to a list titled “How You Can Tell That a Man Loves You.”

He kisses you on the cheek when you’re doing the dishes. – Shit, my husband must not love me at all because he never kisses me when I do the dishes because I don’t do them. He does. I’d say that love is more about sharing household tasks, not rewarding another person for doing them instead of you as if she were a puppy.

You’re a stinky mess and he still wants to do it. – Of course, one would get stinky after slaving over the household tasks while the “loving husband” preserves his energy for sex.

He gives you “thoughtful” gifts just because. – Since the word “thoughtful” is placed in quotation marks, I’m guessing the gifts are not thoughtful at all. Wouldn’t it make more sense for a person in love to give gifts that are actually thoughtful?

He notices the small things like how you curl your toes when you laugh. – Some people are more observant than others. I hear that abusive folks tend to be extremely observant and nit-picky because this is their way of exercising control.

His eyebrows lift up when he sees you walk into a room. – I’m admittedly very bad at reading facial expressions but wouldn’t lifted eyebrows mean surprise? Also, if my husband lifted his eyebrows every time I walked into a room of a house we share, his forehead would wrinkle like a sheet of crumpled paper within two months of our life together.

He makes you chicken soup when you’re sick. – If one has to fall sick to get one’s partner to do something around the house, I wouldn’t call that love.

He gives you flowers just because. – Unless you suffer from allergies, of course.

He watches chick flicks with you and doesn’t complain. – If my husband were to watch chick flicks with me, I would complain because I hate them. Besides, the idea that love consists of forcing yourself to do things you don’t enjoy is very disturbing. What’s next? He agrees to have sex when he doesn’t feel like it to please you?

He loves football, but he’ll keep his eyes on you when the two of you are at a sport’s bar. – What if he doesn’t love football or bars? He must not be fully male then, I guess.

He won’t lie to you about your weight, and he’ll adore all of your “extraness.” – It is not somebody else’s job to get you to have a healthy body image. If you see you own body as having “extras”, you are the one with a problem and, whatever you do, don’t dump this issue on your innocent partner because you have no idea how excruciating it is to answer the endless “Do you think I’m fat?”

He’ll remember the “worst” part of your marriage vows and he’ll honor that. – The only reason why it makes sense to stay together is because that’s what you want to do, not because of some stupid vows.

He throws out the trash without your having to ask him to. – This isn’t love, buddy. This is basic maturity. Marry an adult and you won’t have to see love in terms of who took out the garbage.

He holds your hand inside Home Depot. – Does it count if I hold his? Because in our family, I love this kind of stores and he doesn’t.

Yes, I realize the list is supposed to be humorous. But it’s even funnier with my take-down of it, I believe.