Today was very harsh, people. I went to see the doctor, and she said I have recovered from the operation and don’t need to come any more. On the one hand, this is good because I wasn’t hoping to have any complications from the C-section, but at the same time, it felt like this was now completely over. In 2013 I’ve spent more time at this doctor’s office than I did at work, so not having to go there is a huge change. So I had a depressive episode which was no fun. But then N. came home from work, and now I’m much better.

The difference between depression and grief is that depression is unrelenting. It tugs on your entrails all day and all night. Grief, however, comes over you in waves. This means that if pain doesn’t diminish for a significant stretch of time, your state is becoming pathological and you need to seek help immediately. (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t include a little teachable moment here.)

Tomorrow we are leaving for a mini-vacation where we will try to recover physically and emotionally.

13 thoughts on “Waves”

  1. I hope you have a good vacation. Maybe you can come back renewed and with a fresh start. Like this vacation will be the starting point of a new chapter for you. Take good care!


  2. Those little milestones are hard. They feel like markers of how far you are going away from the future you wanted. I did find talking to a therapist a few times was helpful. Also, a few group therapy meetings was helpful, too. The therapist did give me one suggestion that worked well for me. She suggested that I set aside a certain amount of time every day to grieve, say from 4 to 5 p.m., and that I not grieve any other time, just tell myself, if I felt down, to wait until 4. This works after the first overwhelming stage has passed. Eventually, I was able to cut it down to one hour every week. And now, although I think of him often, I just have a little private ceremony twice a year.
    This may not appeal to everyone, but it helped me feel I had some control over my grief.


      1. Oh my Goodness. I have never been to any type of formal therarpy or analysis but this is how I always handle things that I find upsetting. I always thought I was crazy or repressing my emotions. But I love schedules and for some reason this method always helped me. I made me feel or perhaps realize that I had some control over my emotions.


  3. Seconding it on that, setting apart some time. Someone taught me that for a different context — not to grieve in that case, but to handle a difficult ongoing situation — and it was a great idea. Later I was taught it was “denial” or “repression” but I disagree.

    On the waves — I have been thinking, now that I am undepressed, that perhaps it was not depression I had all that time, but grief. Your theory supports this; I was an incomprehensible depressive because of not being always depressed or having an entirely negative outlook. But on the other hand: pathological grief. Hmmm why is it so difficult to define one’s state…


    1. The most recent DSM says that if you are still grieving a major loss after 2 weeks, you are depressed and need to be medicated. Can you imagine the kind of sociopath who gets over a major loss in 2 weeks? If that’s the norm, I don’t want to be normal.


      1. A year at least, traditionally, and 3 months until you even begin to be able to function in society, let alone do so properly. I want to know what the people responsible for the newest DSM were smoking, so I can avoid it like the plague for the rest of my natural life. Seriously, if you needed an anti-drugs campaign…


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