The worst kind of guilt, though, is that which you feel for things that you didn’t actively cause. When there is no opportunity to tell yourself “I did what I had to do to survive in that moment” because you didn’t actually do anything, it’s extremely difficult to get rid of the feelings of guilt.
Take my situation, for example. I didn’t do anything to make Eric’c heart stop beating but I feel an exhausting guilt because of the suffering his death caused to everybody. I know I didn’t do anything to make people feel sad but they are suffering and will continue to do so for a while.
The only thing to do here is to realize that this kind of guilt is not situational. It existed long before Eric was even conceived. It is something that I had been carrying inside me as a potentiality which was waiting for an opportunity to come out. Now I have to go back in time, looking for the early causes of this guilt and deal with them at the root. That is very hard to do because this form of guilt offers a way of exercising control over one’s life. “I’m to blame” feels more powerful than “this happened to me.” The feelings of guilt exist, in part, to safeguard the belief that life is ultimately controllable and manageable.
Clarissa's Blog 
I’m very sad to hear this. I do think some forms of guilt can be productive. Personally, I believe that guilt can develop or perhaps signal empathy. But you did nothing to deserve the guilt you feel about Eric. And I agree that guilt sometimes lets us convince ourselves that we are in control of situations that are scarily outside of our control. I hope you are able to let go of this guilt soon.
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Thank you, my dear friend. I’m trying to work through this right now, and writing is my way to do it.
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Clarissa,
I am very sorry that you are going through this so very painful process because of your feeling of guilt. You’re guilty of what?. I can perfectly understand that you are grieving the loss of Eric and you might feel very sad but I don’t see any reasonable reason leading you to think that you’re responsible for Eric loss. It was a fortuitous natural event that Eric’s heart stopped beating. No one could have prevented it.
Is there any reasonable reason for me or anyone else to feel guilty about the loss of 4,000 people in the Philippines?. Could anyone have prevented it?.
There is no room for guilt in Eric’s situation, Clarissa. It is an illusion if not a delusion that your brain might be entertaining as a result of an understandable intense sadness.
My previous comments on guilt have nothing to do with the situation that is affecting you now. I wish you could be helped in this very challenging process.
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Thank you for the support, Kelly. I’m trying to get out of this self-blaming loop but it takes time and effort.
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Sometimes the sense of guilt can be: “I need to suffer because I am powerful enough to suffer, and guilt seems like the most natural emotion to have because I’m not experiencing anything else interesting right now.”
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You might be right. Connection is failing here.
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“It is something that I had been carrying inside me as a potentiality which was waiting for an opportunity to come out. Now I have to go back in time, looking for the early causes of this guilt and deal with them at the root.”
That’s quite profound, especially the first sentence. I will think about it more.
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Although maintaining this guilt is counter-productive, this guilt is real.
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Two friends and I lead women’s retreats, and we find women (and I’m sure men too) can be absolutely paralyzed by guilt. We put our heads together and published a devotional book titled “Turning Guilt Trips into Joy Rides.” In it we share our personal experiences about dealing with guilt. Hope and pray the book will help to lift the burdens of guilt from women’s backs.
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I found, while I was grieving, that I would get very angry. Just driving along or sitting reading and I would brood on something, even something that happened long ago. It was so different from my usual behavior that it puzzled me. I finally came to the conclusion that I was feeling angry to avoid feeling sad. I needed a strong emotion to cover up another strong emotion. It was more comfortable to feel angry than to feel sad.
Maybe guilt operates the same way for you. (Or maybe not.)
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