Catholicism: you are in deep shit because you were bad.

Protestantism: you are in deep shit because you didn’t work hard enough.

Russian Orthodox Church: you are in deep shit but so what?

Judaism: if you think you are in deep shit, hear out our story.

Freud: you are in deep shit because of your childhood.

Jung: you are in deep shit because of your great-grandmother.

Windows 8: yes, this is shit but we don’t care.

First of all, here is the most beautiful Christmas tree known to humanity:

We will have two trees this year. This is a live one, and the artificial one will go into the bedroom.

And now I need some help. I never lived in a house before this one, and many things about it are mystifying. Here are the questions I’ve got:

1. See the firewood next to the tree? We placed it close to the fireplace on a mat. That is obviously not a good idea because it’s messy and just weird. What do people normally do? Are there special boxes or receptacles for firewood? Where are they sold?

2. We moved in on July 1 and never had any problems with insects. However, since we turned on the heating,  we’ve seen an insane number of angry, sleepy black flies. They buzz around angrily, then drop down and fall asleep. I get rid of them but on the next day more flies appear. Does anybody know where they come from? What should one do to avoid this issue in the future?

3. We put up Christmas lights outside, and they are beautiful. But then one of the bunches stopped working. I investigated and discovered that one of the cords was broken. It looked as if it had been cut. I suspected am animal but an animal would chew through something,  right? This cord looked cut with a ver uh sharp knife. The cut was very clean. There is nothing in the vicinity of the cord that could have produced this cut. Does anybody have any ideas what it could have been?

4. Is it a good idea to use firestarters? I mean, the ones you place into the fireplace in the wrappers?

5. Why is all firewood sold in the area so wet? It is so wet that white pus comes out of it after you light it.

As you have probably guessed, I’m administering a final exam and browsing through my blog roll. Here is another fascinating link:

Many readers were duly aghast when I highlighted this “call for applications” (we won’t call it a “job ad”), for a “non-stipendiary residency” at a feminist research center. I was upset about what is apparently a call this center makes (presumably with success) on an annual basis, for one very simple reason: It is advertising for scholars to come and work at this center in exchange for “networking,” “collaboration” and “prestige” instead of money.

Got it? A FEMINIST research center – wait, stay with it for a moment,  a feminist center. Remember feminism? – is inviting women to work for free. Women – to work for free. A feminist research center. Makes total sense, that. ‘Cause feminism is all about getting women to do more uncompensated work.

What’s next, uncompensated teaching positions at the Department of African -American Studies? Or below-minimum-wage professorships at the Department of Hispanic Studies? Or the Department of Slavic Studies where professors provide sexual services to fund their research?

And Time’s person of the year is the Ebola fighter with Vladimir Putin as a runner up.

I understand that nobody has the balls to stop Putin in his world expansion. But could people at least try not to hand him these potent weapons of propaganda? Why is he the person of the year and not,  say, the heroes who are defending the Donetsk Airport? If there was a feeling that somebody from the region should be declared person of the year, why should the evildoer be assigned the title and not the people who are fighting him?

I’m starting to suspect that if Ebola were a person, Ebola fighters wouldn’t stand a chance.

This is the best, folks:

It appears that law students at Columbia, Georgetown, and Harvard are claiming to have been so distressed by the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner that they are insufficiently compos mentis for their exams.

Sure, if the professors are rolling out a litany of excuses, why shouldn’t their students do the same?

As you know, I always let students submit late or reschedule without asking for explanations. But in the case described above, even I would reach the limit of my enormous in-class tolerance. You just don’t use a stranger’s death to your own benefit.