A Parody of Clarissa’s Blog

Self-irony is an important aspect of psychological health. Please remember that before you start reading.

There has been an announcement about a huge snowstorm approaching St.Louis.

“It’s all Putin’s fault. That vile freakazoid! This snowstorm is evidence that the nation-state is nearing its inevitable collapse,” blogger Clarissa wrote.

“I blame immigrants,” reader Hattie commented.

“Since we started talking about the weather, here is a long quote about Israel,” reader el chimed in.

“Oh, just fuck off with your stupid Israel,” reader Stringer Bell responded. “It’s just rude to hog threads like that.”

“Yes, enough of that,” reader musteryou said. “Let’s watch my new video on shamanism instead. I have found a method to make snow unimportant as an aspect of one’s profound inner life. Bataille said the same thing, as you know.”

“Ah, now you will have to agree that Michael Brown was a thug!” reader bg exclaimed triumphantly. “This snowstorm is perfect proof of that.”

“I keep telling you to read something on American history,” reader Z suggested. “Then you will know what the history of snowstorms has been like on this continent. The short story: Reagan did it.”

“As an Eastern European immigrant I have no idea what you Western sissies are whining about. A few snowflakes and you are freaking out,” reader aglaonika commented.

“Yes, since I moved to Poland, I have discovered a much more resilient attitude to the weather,” reader Cliff Arroyo added.

“Exactly,” blogger Clarissa responded. “I can speak my mind no matter how much or how little snow there is. In the post-nation-state, this will be a crucial skill that I recommend everybody to pick up. I was hoping Obama would figure this out but he always disappoints. And by the way, Putin is a vile freakazoid.”

“Since we started talking about disappointments, what about Israel and this long quote and also these 18 reading recommendations?” reader el asked.

“I’m applying to graduate school and I have read these 18 books and 520 more books,” reader leahjane shared.

“I hope those are paper books, ” reader David Bellamy said. “It is crucial for a student to start a library of her own. By the way, I want to commend you for the correct use of the present perfect tense in your statement.”

“If the American academia were prepared to hear the truth about the snow, I would have a job in the US,” reader J. Otto Pohl stated. “I have published 177 articles on the subject.”

“When you finally find the time to watch The Wire,” reader Stringer Bell gently reminded, “you will see that the problem of snow has been addressed a long time ago.”

“I’m not a Putinoid,” reader valter07 said, “but you have to agree that the world is running out of resources and that soon only the most fortunate will have access to snow. This means there will be some sort of a socialist system in the future that will guarantee a fair distribution of snow.”

“Before you start saying shit about Germany,” reader Tim commented, “here is a great video showing that you’re wrong.”

“None of this would be happening if everybody just went to a psychoanalyst already,” blogger Clarissa concluded.

P.S. There has been no announcement of a snowstorm in St. Louis, by the way.

Where’s My Beard?

Just spent 20 minutes arguing with a student who was insisting that I taught him German back in 2010. At the end of the conversation, I found myself in a weird position of saying, “I swear to you that I don’t speak German. No, but I swear. No, I haven’t forgotten teaching German. I promise I never did.”

I have no idea how anybody could have confused me with the 6-foot-3 bearded American who actually taught that course. But I’m urgently making an appointment at the waxing salon.

US and Cuba Restore Relations

Wow, finally Obama is waking up and getting into the game:

The United States will restore full diplomatic relations with Cuba and open an embassy in Havana for the first time in more than a half-century after the release of an American contractor held in prison for five years, American officials said Wednesday.

In a deal negotiated during 18 months of secret talks hosted largely by Canada and encouraged by Pope Francis, who hosted a final meeting at the Vatican, President Obama and President Raúl Castro of Cuba agreed in a telephone call to put aside decades of hostility to find a new relationship between the United States and the island nation just 90 miles off the American coast.

This is a lot better than handing Cuba over to Putin. This is good news and a big win for the good guys. Of course, the Cuban immigrants will be upset but it isn’t like world politics has to bend to their immigrant trauma.

Russian Economy

The Russian rouble held steady for years at about 30-33 roubles to a dollar.
Last week, it started plummeting and yesterday we saw it go down to 80 roubles per dollar.

The collapse of the rouble has to do with a single thing: the oil prices have gone down.

Russia has no economy. The whole country is not really a country. It is,  rather, a corporation that sells oil. Everything else exists as long as oil is sold and fetches a decent price. No effort has been made to diversify the country’s economy. This is why Russia is so beholden to the oil price fluctuations.

Oil prices do tend to fluctuate. This isn’t a conspiracy or a result of any “sanctions.” It just happens. For the past 10 years,  as the oil prices held steadily high, analysts in Russia kept warning about the problematic nature of such an economy.

Of course, it makes me happy to stare at the charts where the sad trajectory of the rouble can be admired. But let’s not kid ourselves: this doesn’t really matter. This is a small distracting blip that doesn’t change the big picture.

And if Putin stops being the leader of Russia,  that will also be a tiny, insignificant blip. There are crowds more where he came from.