The Conversation Itch

I read a long, angry thread on “ghosting,” and all I can say is. . . Anglos.

What these poor folks call ghosting is an elegant, face-saving way to fade out of each other’s lives if you aren’t a match. It’s great, it’s wonderful.

But no, Anglos have to talk everything to death. “But he hasn’t explained to me why. . . But she never said what I did wrong.” As if saying, naming, verbalizing and narrating would change the fact that you aren’t wanted.

I’m obviously not on the dating scene but if I were, I’d be grateful to a guy who just went away quietly instead of humiliating me with a speech on all the ways I don’t suit.

Also, a little piece of wisdom: if you ever catch yourself saying things like “but why did he,” “but why does she,” stop immediately. These phrases are killing your chance at a happy personal life. Change them to “why do I,” and things will get better.

5 thoughts on “The Conversation Itch”

  1. Yeah, I discovered a few years ago that words like “ghosting” and “zombieing” are current slang for dating behavior as old as human existence. But don’t kid yourself that this more-or-less universal behavior has ever been limited to “Anglos.”

    When I was a young man, if a woman didn’t want to have a relationship with me, I felt sorry for her — but, hey, life has to go on.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. People just fading away is, indeed, universal. But believing that a speech from the person who isn’t interested in you will make things better – that’s definitely a cultural phenomenon.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “the fact that you aren’t wanted”

    I think this is a generational thing (particularly millenials) I remember people being upset when people wouldn’t call back or just seemed to fade out of their lives (and occasionally bugging friends about it). But I can’t imagine any of them trying to make that a public issue and writing cringey stuff for other people to read.
    But millenials with overprotective helicopter parents (and the perception that they could be cast into the void at any moment) have poor interpersonal skills.
    The public writing about the issue isn’t about the other person at all, they’re trying to turn the media into a parental figure who will soothe away the hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “What these poor folks call ghosting is an elegant, face-saving way to fade out of each other’s lives if you aren’t a match. It’s great, it’s wonderful.”

    As always, I appreciate the cultural commentary.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about my own behavior on social media over the past decade and decided it was sad. I see this passive aggressive trend to air ones personal pain in a public setting to elicit a specific emotional response. I did it without really thinking. Covid changed all of that and last year, I decided to stop. We think the people on social media are our friends but they aren’t. So this thread you mention(maybe you can share it for more context?) seems like part of a larger cultural issue that needs to be addressed.

    I began excising people from my facebook feed who were toxic. I want to stay connected to family and real friends, and I’ll tolerate differing views without starting conflict or making inappropriate comments that will destroy the relationship, but I won’t spend any time watching my friends be cruel to others.

    As for ghosting–I started deleting people and nobody even noticed–except one person–one of THE most toxic and poisonous people I know. When I was younger, I didn’t understand why people walked out of my life and stopped speaking to me. And it was very painful. As an older individual, I now understand that it’s often more reasonable and less dramatic. There is no point wasting my energy arguing or dredging up things I can’t change. Come to think of it–I like it now. Or, if I don’t like it–I at least understand it better.

    Like

  4. So… I was supposed to explain to my cousin that she’s the most obnoxious person I’ve ever met, before I ceased all communication with her? Or actually have a conversation about how no, I won’t date you because you’re a crazy person and I don’t want you stalking me?

    Sounds like a great way to instantly double the number of restraining orders…

    Like

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