Not My Child

A long but absolutely crucial read on what was done to public education in Oregon. I know for an absolute fact that the exact same thing is being done in Illinois.

The other day an acquaintance asked me if Klara was going to the local public school for kindergarten. Uncharacteristically, I got so emotional I couldn’t control myself.

“No!” I yelled in a strangled falcetto. “Not my child! Never!”

I think I scared the acquaintance but you can imagine how all this feels to a person who grew up in the USSR. I mean, it was a lot better in the USSR. Our teachers were sad, beaten down schmucks, not sick, crazy skunks like the teachers described in the article.

72 thoughts on “Not My Child

  1. ” the local public school for kindergarten”

    Zoom lessons haven’t quite destroyed public education thoroughly enough so they’re doing what they can to make public education worse than useless but actively harmful to childrens’ mental health to punish those who can’t afford private school and don’t have the sense to leave them without any education (an honest improvement over what’s described in the article).

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    1. I keep saying the USSR. But this is worse than what we had in the USSR. We weren’t taught to hate our country or ourselves. We were taught to hate your country and you. That’s bad but nowhere near as bad as this.

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      1. Also the Soviet school system (one presumes) had the goal of creating people who could perform some sort of job and help keep the system (as flawed and awful as it was) going.
        What they’re describing in the article won’t create people who can hold any kind of job and/or fulfill any other adult life function.
        Letting kids hang out on the street corner and play with fireworks would be better.

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        1. I don’t think there’s any other place in the world that teaches kids to hate their country. Even the shittiest countries in the world teach that the country is great. The biggest dream of most of my students is to live somewhere else. They are taught that this is such a horrible country that they’d be better off anywhere else.

          They sincerely ask me, “but why did you choose to live in the US when you could live anywhere else?” and “should I move to Ecuador? Or is Chile better? Or Honduras?” A decade ago it was all “I want to move to New York or Seattle.”

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          1. // They sincerely ask me, “but why did you choose to live in the US when you could live anywhere else?” and “should I move to Ecuador? Or is Chile better? Or Honduras?”

            Why not to Israel? A few lynch attemps and a couple of air raid sirens … who knows they may change their minds re US.

            A suitable picture what I think of those people:

            https://scontent.fhel3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/186990801_4555838971111923_7329897308286603980_n.png?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=g_BUeK77TVsAX8kciJP&_nc_ht=scontent.fhel3-1.fna&oh=29ff5d89e4358a352ee7786be3ec2816&oe=60CC54B4

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            1. Lovely cartoon. 🙂

              I teach Spanish, so they ask about Hispanic countries, probably not expecting me to have any knowledge about anything else.

              I once asked, “have you wondered why there’s mass migration into the US but not into Honduras?” “Yeah, that’s weird,” was the response.

              Thankfully, youth is the only character flaw everybody gets over eventually.

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  2. This reads like people who с жиру бесятся, overindulged finding a new form of entertainment.

    I notice the article mentions all-white and rich Asian schools adopting this new religion, what about minority-heavy schools with poorer population? Is it the same in predominantly African-American schools?

    Btw, what would’ve happened had Biden done anything about it? Can he? Could Trump? Because it looks like American politicians put education last and prefer to ignore the problems till they explode in their faces. After which the politicians will say a few empty slogans and hope the problems resolve themselves.

    In my country “Israel-Gaza ceasefire comes into effect, ending 11 days of intensive fighting” and Netanyahu is attacked from the right for stopping w/o preventing Hamas from gathering strength again and w/o returning bodies of 2 Israeli soldiers and 2 mentally ill Israeli citizens currently held (alive?) in Gaza.

    A kind of funny story from Israeli school (in Russian) :

    https://shenbuv.livejournal.com/3980311.html

    The instructions become especially funny if one knows that Наблюдатели at exams are very, very old pensioners, who may not be able to lie down and/or get up from the floor with ease or at all, let alone do acrobatic numbers there.

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  3. Is this a real trend?

    // The sexual counterrevolution is coming
    America’s young elite is turning against free love
    https://spectator.us/topic/sexual-counterrevolution-liberation/

    What stood out to me was this

    ” Charlotte is a 23-year-old Harvard graduate. … Narayan is seven years older than Charlotte.
    … Narayan and his close male friends are all around the same age. They’re all elite guys working in tech and finance — and all either dating to marry, or already married. In what amounts to an informal 21st-century marriage brokerage, they and the wives of already-married members of their friend group collude to track down potential partners. But they’re picky — and Narayan is blunt about the criteria. It’s not just about being educated, ambitious or pretty. ‘Guys who say they don’t care about their wife’s sexual history are straight-up lying,’ he tells me. All the men in his group, he says, would strongly prefer their future wives to be virgins on marriage. Some categorically rule out women who aren’t: ‘No hymen, no diamond’. ”

    If a group of 30-year-old men search for virgin brides, does it mean anyone older than 23 is too old for them? I do not think there are too many 24+ year old virgins in mainstream America.

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    1. “Is this a real trend?”

      Not anywhere I have close acquaintance with teenagers and young people. It may be true among the Harvard set.

      Among the proles, it is difficult to find anyone with a functional married relationship in the 25-40 set, and if anything, the current crop of 15-25 kids are growing up in an environment even more sexually toxic. I’ve recently had to be a sympathetic ear to a parent whose 16-yo daughter in a very typical public school system has already racked up multiple sexual partners, and absolutely cannot understand why you would ever not do that. All her friends do it. Everyone does it. You can just have an abortion, right? “Not-dating” in high school makes you a pariah, and “dating” these days is simply a quaint term that means “having sex with”. If you don’t have sex, you can’t have a boyfriend (because what 17-year-old boy would bother dating a girl who wasn’t putting out, when there are plenty of girls who will, just for the status-boost of having a boyfriend?).

      Dismal. It’s one of the (many) reasons I will not have my kids in a public school. The culture is like that in all of them.

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        1. It really is. No amount of sex ed will ever convince amoral teenage-boy studs not to be self-centered assholes when it comes to prophylactics, contraception, and “No, I don’t really want to try that thing you saw in a porno, thanks”. So the price of “fitting in” for girls these days is regular trips to the Health Department, and likely a chronic STD and a couple of abortions by graduation.

          I know there are people who do all that and still come out the other side as functional adults, but I’ve also seen the statistics, and they are brutal. It’s not what I want for my kids.

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              1. Maybe my experience was unusual, but… yeah? I remember them being very enthusiastic and eager to please. Not such bad qualities if you know what you’re after.

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              2. Yes, it’s extremely unusual. Female sexuality matures at a different pace than the male. There’s very little overlap between what teenage boys and girls need in terms of tactile contact. The disparity persists well into the twenties. By age thirty or so women begin to catch up and then eventually overtake men in terms of sexual needs.

                By their mid-forties women get to where men were in terms of raw need at 18. It’s all terribly unfair and quite ridiculous. But what bugs me is that we all pretend that the male sexual timeline is the norm. It’s not for women but we never even talk about our different timeline and different needs.

                Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. I know a man who had zero interest in sex, not even on the level of masturbation until his mid-twenties. And then went really all into it after that.

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              3. “There’s very little overlap between what teenage boys and girls need in terms of tactile contact.”

                I don’t think that’s true, and it doesn’t line up with my experience at all, having had both male and female partners from the age of 13. Premarital sex has always had more risks for girls – not only the risk of pregnancy but of social ostracism, which creates the illusion that girls are less interested in sex. Now, these risks are greatly reduced. Contraception is freely available and “slut shaming” is socially unacceptable, at least where I went to school. Female masturbation is no longer mysterious or stigmatized, and many teenage girls watch porn themselves. This so far from the norm for like, all of human history in every society on earth, is no wonder girls behave differently and seek out sexual experiences at a greater rate. I wasn’t some kind of unusual case in my social circle, and my reputation never suffered as a result. This was about twelve years ago.

                I hear many critiques of “porn culture,” and I agree with many of them, but I’m not sure why nobody talks about how good things are for girls right now. For example, there has never been a time when a lesbian teenager would be less pressured into sex she doesn’t want (although this is sadly changing now…), and more free to seek out experiences she does want. And for all the talk of toxic masculinity, this culture produces some of the kindest, most empathetic teenage boys on the planet. They make great first sexual partners.

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              4. I’m talking strictly about physiology. This isn’t about societal norms or anything like that. It’s how our bodies work.

                Remember what I’m saying now when you are 40. Whatever a woman thinks she knows about sexual desire gets a total turnaround between 40 and 50.

                American culture denies biology and the most basic things that other cultures know are a huge revelation.

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              5. Just take the single example of how you describe a great sexual partner through the eyes of a young girl. He’s kind and empathetic. Can you imagine a teenage boy who’s looking for that in sex above all? Of course not. Hus desire is physical while the girl’s is instrumental. It’s not bad. It just is. Girls address completely non-sexual issues through sex. But they don’t know it because they aren’t allowed to know it.

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              6. Now, many women are going to think, “I hit 40, and I didn’t feel anything special. What’s up with that?”

                Well, there’s one thing that messes up female sexuality completely. It’s hormonal birth control. It’s a great thing but we pay a gigantic price for it. So if you are on it or ever were on it (and I was), unfortunately it messed us up.

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              7. Ah, I see, it’s physiology. Perhaps me and my former girlfriends were actually male? 🤔 The only woman I know who followed the trajectory you describe came from very conservative Southern town, so yeah, gonna go with culture on this one. And I’ll remember what you say when I’m 40 if you remember what I say when your American daughter gets to high school.

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              8. I don’t know why what I’m saying is perceived negatively. My message to young women is, “no matter how good you think it’s at 20, it’s ten thousand times better at 50.” It’s a great thing.

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              9. There’s a clear evolutionary advantage to female sexuality being out of sync with the short window of optimal fertility. Women can’t afford to waste that short window on anybody who won’t be the best protector to them and their progeny. Nature engineered desire out of the equation for young women to equip them for the search of the best, kindest and most empathetic mate. Once the short window of optimal fertility closes, sexual desire can switch on. It’s not threatening the species survival anymore.

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              1. “Maybe my experience was unusual”

                Clarissa said it far better in her response. You seem to have had an exceptional experience, and for the sake of my friend’s kid, I hope her experience lines up with more with yours!

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              2. What really bugs me is that it is now somehow a feminist cause to deny that female sexuality looks nothing like male sexuality at 18. There’s a gigantic machine of exploitation of women tjat is precisely based on the fact that all these OnlyFans girls are frigid like a piece of cardboard. The idea that girls are particularly sexual in their teens or early twenties is a male fantasy, and it’s a very exploitative one.

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            1. “Can you imagine a teenage boy who’s looking for that in sex above all? Of course not.”
              What??? Yes, of course I can! Boys are very concerned about their performance and size and require a lot of reassurance. They do not want a partner who might mock them.

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              1. I am going to agree with both Clarissa and EQ84 on this one. I am in my late 40s now, and certainly way more in tune with my body now than in my 20s. I have well-honed preferences and techniques, so as Clarissa said somewhere in this thread, it’s not hard at all to orgasm, alone or with partner, a bunch of times per session. However, I was quite horny when I was younger, too, and enjoyed sex then, as well, but there’s no doubt I am way better at it now and get more enjoyment from it now, too.

                I didn’t start having sex until I was 17, and more-or-less had a string of longer-term boyfriends till I got married at 26. However, I also never really fantasized about marriage or kids; I was focused on my school and career, and the marriage and first kid just kind of happened.

                I suppose I always pretty high libido for a young woman and had plenty of sex with my boyfriends; however I had a bunch of female friends (I played sports) who were the same; maybe athletic women have higher libidos as higher testosterone? I don’t know. But that’s my experience. I did have some brief relationships that were purely based on physical attraction, and while the sex was great, they ultimately fizzled and generally made me feel bad emotionally. I also had a long relationship where the sex was middling, but I was head over heels for that guy. I think that’s a key difference between young men and women, at least from my perspective: I had to feel safe and emotionally connected in order to enjoy sex, and in my experience guys seem to need that to a lower degree. Not that they don’t need it, far from it, but they seem to be able to compartmentalize sex differently, perhaps because sex is less risky for them (lower risk of violence, for example).

                I have sons now (one is 21, and another 14, and I have another young one) and I feel it’s unfair to label boys as unemotional horndogs, because that’s not what they are, at least when they are raised in families where fathers aren’t misogynist assholes and mothers aren’t doormats. My eldest son has always had long-term girlfriends, since he was 15, and has never been one to just chase tail. Boys have feelings, and have insecurities, and want companionship and to be loved. My 14-y.o. (6’2″ and very handsome and socially popular) sticks with his buddies for now; he has good female friends, but the kids dating generally still date in groups. It’s not easy and it takes maturity and feeling secure to share your body with someone else. I don’t know why we think it’s trivial for young men; it’s really not. They get their hearts broken as teens and need to grow a tough hide, just like women. People thinking boys have to be unfeeling horndogs just makes it harder for boys to accept their own vulnerabilities without feeling like losers.

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              2. xykademiqz: It sounds like you’re doing a good job raising them! If you’re modeling a stable, respectful, long-term relationship at home, that’s going to be the template they’re working from– and that’s wonderful!

                I didn’t mean to make it sound like all teenage boys are assholes. But I do think those are rather over-represented in the subset of sexually-active teenage boys who’ve racked up multiple partners by age 18. And as Americans in general seem to be growing less and less capable of raising kids in stable, respectful, long-term relationships, I fear the quotient of boys growing up without that template can only decline. Some of them will stumble into good relationships anyway, many won’t.

                I admit that I was feeling very pessimistic about the whole subject after getting off the phone with yet another parent going through the “oh crap my teenage daughter is sexually active” freakout–and no, not in a healthy, responsible, respectful way with a nice boy who likes her for who she is. More of a “What evidence do we need to get a restraining order?” situation. It definitely skews my perspective.

                FWIW, I also know plenty of people who had serial long-term dating relationships while young who came through it just fine, got married, had kids, are happy, etc. There seems to be a bit of a class divide here that may need accounting for.

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    2. It reminds me of the upper class priorities of 100+ years ago. It’s not as if these men are bringing themselves to the marriage as virgins but having higher expectations for potential wives (while likely using and discarding other women) is pretty narcissistic, especially in a day when no one has to be concerned about who actually fathered the heir. If they are in their late 20s or up, we all know what they have been doing for the last decade.
      In fairness, they aren’t wrong that having a limited sexual history is more likely to result in better outcomes for the relationship in multiple ways but being concerned with virginity as such rather than avoiding the consequences of multiple sexual partners for themselves as well as their wives doesn’t speak particularly well for the future of their marriage either.

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      1. In college, my best friend had a roommate who was from Iran. She was obsessed with preserving her virginity until marriage. In practice, this meant that she became an expert on oral and anal sex, and had a procession of men traveling in and out of her bedroom. This drove my friend nuts because she had to hear endless lectures from the Iranian roommate about what a slut she was for not being “a virgin,” when my friend only wanted to get married and lived like a veritable nun compared to the Iranian roommate.

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    1. That’s why I keep saying, “please, whatever you do, stop giving money to third-world countries. Yes, including Ukraine. You are making things worse.” Americans think that the answer to any problem is to throw money at it.

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      1. If public-shame campaigns can get people all using terms like “people of color”… I see a lot of potential in campaigning to change the term “foreign aid” to “funding organized crime.”

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          1. I understand there’s a fair amount of “crippling other people’s economies” and “enslaving smaller countries with gigantic debts” involved as well. But even those seem to frequently be mediated by warlords and organized crime, so maybe it amounts to the same thing in the end?

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        1. Since foreign aid makes corrupt ruling oligarchies even stronger and pretty much impossible to dislodge from power. . . yes. It’s a way of guaranteeing stability without any regard for the costs to the people who supposedly get the “aid.”

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          1. “foreign aid makes corrupt ruling oligarchies even stronger ”

            Not to mention hobbling the recipient countries in other ways. I remember the big push to donate second hand clothes to Africa – with devastating effects on the local clothing industry. Was that consequence intended or unintended?

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  4. Re teenage girls in sexual relationships, I haven’t experienced it in my life (and am actually sorry about it). However, there have been quite a few couples in my class at 17-18 years old. The couples may have not engaged in sex, obviously nobody ever asked such private questions, but they looked loving and, yes, gentle to each other. I also have a younger brother and had former male classmates I liked as people. None of them were similar to methylethyl’s descriptions of selfish teenage studs or whatever.

    Now I am in the second half of 30ies and don’t believe adult men are less selfish than teens. It depends on a person. Actually, with age some people become jaded, tired and less capable of falling in love than in their younger years. And it is not only a result of past sexual relationships.

    Of course, changing sexual partners as gloves at 16 doesn’t look healthy. However, not having any sexual experience till one’s 20ies also may not be an ideal, partly since it implies not being in a serious long-term romantic relationship.

    I am unsure methylethyl’s acquaintances don’t get married or have kids because of having sex as teens. Israeli secular Jews reproduce just fine, while Japan experiences ‘Virginity Crisis’: no sex, no marriage, no kids. Sex shouldn’t be blamed for low reproduction rates imo.

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    1. I met my first husband at 16, as people here know. I confused the warm friendly feelings I had for him for love. The relationship was a disaster because the sexual component simply wasn’t there. But I didn’t know it wasn’t. That’s the sad part. I had no idea what was missing. We could have been amazing friends. And we pissed that away, trying to massage the friendship into something it was never meant to be.

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      1. Being pressured into super early marriage in one’s teens is another issue, more serious one than what we’ve discussing now.

        The thing is that at some point of their lives most young women will start leading sexual lives.
        I simply expressed the idea that later teens are an acceptable time to start. Moreover, starting then may have some advantages over waiting till some magic future date … at which attractive willing partners may be less on the ground.

        Personally, I very rarely find somebody sexually attractive. Did happen at school but he wasn’t interested in dating me. This boy started dating another girl and I met her years later on the bus. After army service, they were both studying at the same university as me and renting a flat together. Now they’re probably happily married.

        Another classmate also married a young man she started dating while at high school. He was in the army then. Several years later they got married.

        There are tales of happy marriages too. Of course, those people weren’t pressured into marrying but decided themselves after a few years have passed.

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        1. Absolutely, people will keep starting their sex lives early. I just want to make sure we are aware that what young girls week through those relationships has nothing to do with sex. Let’s be honest about it. They are seeking prestige, warmth, kindness, status. There’s no reason to imagine them as indistinguishable from boys. They aren’t boys and there’s nothing wrong about it. Men are not the norm.

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        2. For the record, not being sexually active when I was younger has not in any way handicapped my married relationship, and there are some distinct advantages. We have a radically drama-free marriage, no exes to measure against, no dangling stepchildren dragged into the marriage, no baggage for either of us.

          I’m not saying everybody has to have it that way, or judging. It’s just that, when held up against the relationship woes of most other people I know aged 25-40, it seems… so much easier this way. I don’t think people realize how much it simplifies the whole picture. But then, I’m an odd duck, and so is my husband. Maybe normal people like drama and complications?

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          1. When you think about ugly manifestations of #MeToo, for instance, what are they if not the rage of the women who have had a lot of sex they didn’t need but didn’t know how to refuse in culturally acceptable terms? It’s all consensual but they know they weren’t really into it. One day, the anger boils over and some innocent schmuck who happened to be around at the moment gets torn into pieces. This is the drama you are talking about boiling over into society-wide consequences.

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            1. Yeah, I hadn’t thought of it that way. I do feel like there should be more room for people to refuse sex when they don’t really want it, without being labeled prudes, and without everybody assuming there’s something terribly wrong. Fortunately, I didn’t give a flying fart what other people thought.

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              1. We have a whole culture of OnlyFans girls with nothing remotely similar in terms OnlyFans boys. Why would anybody need to pay anything to these armies of young girls if they enjoyed the activity enough to do it for free? And why does nobody need to pay young men to have hetero sex? How come there’s never any shortage of supply?

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  5. // I don’t know why what I’m saying is perceived negatively. My message to young women is, “no matter how good you think it’s at 20, it’s ten thousand times better at 50.” It’s a great thing.

    I think some heard it as “teenage girls cannot enjoy sex, especially not with teenage boys, so they force themselves to do it out of peer pressure ” AND “for a woman – but not for a man – teens is too early to begin because of biology”

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    1. They “enjoy” sex in a completely different way that has nothing to do with physiology. The enjoyment comes from a completely different place and is a pale, sad little thing compared to what their male peers experience.

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    2. My goal here isn’t to prohibit anybody from doing anything. I’m simply bothered that the narrative around sex that we all buy into is based on male sexuality. There’s no space for a female experience. Young women think there’s something wrong with them that they don’t want as much sex as the boyfriend. It’s never the other way round! It’s always the young woman that lives with the secret shame and fear that she’s sick or abnormal if she just wants to hold hands. And it’s maddening because she’s actually completely normal! I’m writing for that young woman right now because I know people are reading. This is completely normal and healthy for a woman. Even if you feel like you need to perform the sexual need that matches that of your male peers, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you not feeling it.

      Ideally, of course, we’d just tell the narrative to get stuffed and accept that women are physiologically different from men and our trajectory is just as great. It’s just different.

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      1. // our trajectory is just as great. It’s just different.

        What can be so great about it if male peers are incapable of satisfying it almost at any age?

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        1. Female sexuality is an amazing, powerful, and terrifying thing. It is also am incredible amount of fun. Once it matures, the whole world becomes a web of sensual experiences. It’s really amazing. And really not that hard to bring to a climax.

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        2. The great thing about men is that, beyond about age 25, they’re trainable 😉 And when you stay with the same partner long enough, each of you can learn what makes the other tick, and amazing things happen!

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        3. “it if male peers are incapable of satisfying it almost at any age?”

          They’re not. You just have to figure out what you want. Many (most?) women don’t know their bodies at all in their teens and early 20s, so they don’t know what gets them off. IME, most men are eager to please, but need to be shown what to do.

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          1. My comments are appearing all over the thread because the app is being weird today.

            I don’t want to make it sound like only girls suffer from these false narratives. Take my first husband. He was 20 when he met. Obviously, he wanted sex. He just didn’t want it with me. But there was no narrative into which he could place this. I was very pretty, he really loved being around me.

            So we both suffered for 6 years. I suffered because I didn’t need any sex with anybody (as opposed to massive amounts of erotic readings) and he didn’t need sex with me. Now that I’m a grown up, I understand that this doesn’t make him a bad person or abnormal in any way. But back then there was a lot of utterly unnecessary misery and utterly unnecessary sex.

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            1. Oh, definitely. Young men are expected to want to screw anything that moves, and I think many end up hooking up with girls they aren’t really into because they feel they’re never supposed to say no to sex. Being physical with someone you’re not really into or someone who’s not really into you is pretty dispiriting. On the upside, when there’s real chemistry, it’s spectacular.

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      2. I just find this entire exchange baffling. If you’ve experienced multiple orgasms, why would you want to just hold hands? Who do you think writes the terabytes of erotic fan fiction that litter the internet, and what do you think its purpose is? Girls reaching sexual maturity faster than age 40 is a good thing. Like I said, I had a lot of fun, and it helped me to find someone with whom I was very compatible in my early twenties. If the best is yet to come, then I’m very excited, because now is already really really fantastic.

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        1. Fan fiction exists for masturbation. And masturbation is precisely undeveloped, immature sexuality. Masturbation is normal even in 5-year-olds. But nobody would claim 5-year-olds are ready for or need sex.

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          1. ” masturbation is precisely undeveloped, immature sexuality”

            For adolescent males it’s also… training…. (learning about their own physical response which helps a lot in… timing…. for lack of a better word). “Locker room” talk (the absolutely least erotic activity in the world) serves a similar purpose in helping young males keep their horndog instincts from completely taking over.

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            1. Definitely. It’s learning, it’s an important stage. But being able to do it is definitely not a sign that a person has reached full sexual maturity.

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  6. “unfair to label boys as unemotional horndogs”

    True, working from memory they are very emotional horndogs… some are better at controlling the expression of one or the other…

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  7. Just some final thoughts since everybody else is probably sick of this topic by now. I agree with everything xykademiqz said above, who expressed her experiences much more thoughtfully and eloquently than I have. Obviously, I much prefer sex now with my husband to doing it in the back of a car behind a KFC after soccer practice. It’s more intense, more connected, more passionate. But I’ve never had difficulty achieving orgasm, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a sexual encounter without the expectation that I would have one. This came from knowing and understanding my body and my desires before I shared them with anyone. I think that’s a laudable goal for any girl to have, regardless of how they feel about sex.

    Clarissa, I respect your experience and I don’t think there’s anything wrong if a teenage girl isn’t interested in a sexual relationship. I’m sad to think of girls pressured into sex they don’t want and don’t enjoy. What I don’t understand is why you’re insistent on universalizing your own trajectory and pathologising those who don’t conform. It really rankles me to hear it implied that when, at 16, I lay in bed with my girlfriend, kissing, touching, and bringing each other repeatedly to climax, that this was the result of “perform[ing] the sexual need that matches that of [my] male peers” As if what we shared as two girls together, the purest synthesis of female sexuality, could somehow be predicated on male desire. As if there were any trick or self deception that could ever be mistaken for the primal, animal desire for another person’s body. I could get kindness, warmth and prestige from friends, but this… never. And there was little difference whether it was a boy or girl, the desire to explore, to give and receive pleasure was the same. These are very happy memories for me and I feel lucky.

    The idea that teen girls are particularly sexual is not a contemporary American invention. Romeo and Juliet? Carmilla? The works of D.H. Lawrence, Qiu Miaojin, or Kate Chopin? Early 19th century lesbian diarist Anne Lister kept detailed records of her sexual experiences, including the number of times she and her partners orgasmed. By the time she was in her twenties, she’d had half a dozen mutually satisfying sexual relationships with other young women. If it was truly rare for girls to desire sexual contact, imagine how astronomically unlikely it would have been for her to have found girls who not only shared this rare trait, but who were also same-sex attracted, in 1800s Yorkshire.

    My advice to any girls reading this: if you have strong sexual impulses, you’re not unusual, deluded, or actually male, and you will be able to find somebody to share this with. That can be a very healthy, good thing.

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    1. I think we should put off this discussion by 20 years. At your age, I would have said exactly what you are saying now. But 20 years from now, you’ll say, “oh, so that’s what that old broad was talking about!” It’s going to get SO MUCH BETTER. Because that’s how female sexuality is. It gets a lot better. And that’s a good thing! If you are happy now – which is fantastic! – imagine how much better it will be.

      And for those young women who don’t have a great experience in their twenties, the message that it’s going to get a lot better is great news, too. It’s really all positive, on all sides.

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      1. That’s kind of silly, because I’ve been reading your blog for over ten years, and I know what you were saying about sex when you were pretty close to my age [30]. I remember your post on female viagra. I really can’t imagine how much better it could be, but maybe I will be surprised. I think I will stand by my comments in 10-20 years. We’ll see.

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        1. I’ve tried to be as kind and polite as it’s humanly possible for me to be. But you’ve met my kindness with utterly unprovoked rudeness, so now I have to mention that a sexuality that verbalizes itself so insistently, unnecessarily and one-sidedly is not a healthy, problem-free one.

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