I have spent 10 days, talking to people, making phone calls, consoling, offering and getting condolences, then talking to more people. And occasionally getting squeezed by people who want to express their condolences. Why this can’t be done without treating one like a squishy bathtub toy, I don’t know.
As you know, I’m a mega introvert. “Are you sure you aren’t going to feel lonely?” people ask in upbeat tones. Hmm, let me see. Will I feel lonely or not if I don’t have to socialize for the first time in over a week? It’s a mystery.
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“occasionally getting squeezed by people who want to express their condolences”
I’m a massive introvert but I’m also a touchy feely person (and a kinesthetic learner if you believe in that) so I totally understand touches and hugs as important ways that people communicate consolation and comfort.
And of course there’s neotony (maintenance of juvenile characteristics into adulthood) modern humans are in some ways overgrown infants who are constantly looking for reassurance though cuddling.
Personally for me, in troubled times, it’s the verbal interactions I find most difficult. I understand it’s necessary for people to offer sympathy and help, but…. I mostly don’t like being on the receiving end of sympathy and help.
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I really hate being touched. If it’s not my husband or child, I can happily do without any physical contact from anybody else.
Unfortunately, we are a culture that pretends death doesn’t exist. As a result, preparing for death in any way is considered in extremely bad taste. I can’t even access my father’s computer because he didn’t share the password with anybody.
And of course, nobody knows how to behave in this kind of situation. We had the funeral and the pominki, many people came. But it never occurred to anybody to ask me anything. People came up to report on every shade of their feelings but nobody asked even “how are you doing? Are you ok? Do you need anything?”
This is a huge defect in our culture. People don’t know how to behave in emotional situations.
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And my aunt tried to console me with, “it’s normal for a child to bury a parent. Now imagine how it would feel to bury your child. That would be so much worse!”
Yes, it was worse. Not that I need any reminders.
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Oh god I would have told her that if it was me. Politeness be damned, no one should be comparing different types of grief when someone dies. Dear lord. Funerals should be about remembrance, closure, and a shared expression of grief and celebration of life. It sounds like your father lived a truly amazing life, and he deserves to be honored for that. I’m sorry that other people in your own family are being awkwardly horrible.
I hope you and your family are coping okay? How are<\i> you doing?
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Thank you for asking! I haven’t had time to grieve or process anything yet. I’m sure it will hit me eventually but I’ve been on autopilot, solving endless problems.
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