15 Years Together

N and I are celebrating 15 years together. I want to reiterate that the people who say that the intensity of feeling necessarily fades over time and the excitement goes away are wrong. Everybody’s story is different but the transformation of passion into friendship is absolutely not a given.

I spent 15 years, terrified of marriage because everybody said that love runs its course in 3 to 6 months, and then you are stuck living with a roommate. And I’d rather live with a family of alligators than a roommate. Then it turned out that everybody was wrong and marriage is the best thing that could have happened to me.

There’s so much “common wisdom” surrounding these topics that’s completely stupid. I wish I had never listened to it.

10 thoughts on “15 Years Together

  1. Even people who “calm down” some don’t need to be like roommates. Geez, that sounds depressing!

    Happy anniversary!

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  2. Marriage is definitely a risk but you know you could always just co-habitate and not marry. The legal benefits of marriage can be accomplished separately via a lawyer, marriage just provides them via a package deal. However, very glad yours is working out well 🙂

    What I do wonder is when I read about say where a man and a woman were dating for like six years, then they get married, and then the marriage falls apart in a few months (!). Like what changed?

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    1. A relationship changes dramatically once people get married. Cohabitation, even with the exact legal status of a marriage, is not remotely the same because people don’t feel the same about it. They haven’t made the final decision. They need each other as a temporary stopgap, and not anything bigger.

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      1. Cohabiting is a way of saying: “I’m still shopping, but if nothing better comes along, maybe I’ll settle for you.” Seems like a lousy basis for a relationship. Kudos to the people who manage to make it work in the long-term, either through sheer inertia, or through the hard work of personal growth and transformation. But they’re kind of starting out behind the 8-ball.

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        1. Totally. The only reason I’m putting in all the hard work that my marriage requires is because it’s forever. Once you know it’s forever, and there can be no re-dos, it really simplifies things. We often forget how enormously comforting it is to stop choosing. It’s the consumer mentality that makes us think choice is always freedom. Often, the most cherished freedom is to be able to stop choosing. My body is my body. My child is my child. My sister is my sister. It’s what there is. I can stop shopping and start living at least in what concerns my family and my physical existence. What a relief.

          It does wonders to a relationship that we simply accept as what there is.

          Liked by 1 person

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