A friend asked if I enjoyed the Memorial Day picnic at church. It’s strange that anybody would suspect me of being able to enjoy any collective pastime. I am almost physiologically incapable of enjoying something like that. I’m very glad I went because Klara loved it. I do these things for her. I enact normalcy for her benefit. But I myself will never comprehend what people get out of it. I used to wish I could but at this stage of my life I have accepted that I am weird and that I experience things weirdly.
I used to feel a lot of shame about my weirdness but, again, you get jaded even on the shame. I brought my notebook to a church lunch a while ago and sat there decorating it as other women discussed how strange I was. I know because one of them told me. “We were sitting over there,” she said, “discussing what a strange person you are.”
At the Memorial Day picnic I heroically engaged in small talk with four different people. Three of them looked slightly terrified of me. But Klara saw me engage with other people so my goal was accomplished in full.
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Same here. I know the socializing and meet-and-greets are important for building community and integrating the new converts. They’re important so my kids can play with the other kids. I want every gathering to be a great success. I show up, I help wash the dishes and clean the tables, bring food… and basically just hide in the kitchen.
Old enough not to denigrate it just because I can’t enjoy it. But if I haven’t caught the trick of it in forty-odd years, it’s probably not gonna happen.
ethyl
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Society is organized by extroverts for extroverts.
I can simulate extroversion and I’m good at small talk, but I don’t get enjoyment out of it the way people do and need days to recover afterwards. My husband is far more introverted and basically never attends anything resembling gatherings anymore. We both did it much more when we were younger and the kids were little, like what you do for Klara, but we never do now.
Funny, husband and I actually go out considerably more than most people we know, but we go to events (concerts, shows, etc.) so it’s just the two of us and we always have a good time. We don’t entertain at our home or do much with other people. I like some of my colleagues but generally find their spouses completely uninteresting, so the couples outings are boring and trite.
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Thanks for this post. Something I can understand.
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” I am almost physiologically incapable of enjoying something like that”
Time to sound like a crazy nut!
I tend to believe there is something like telepathy/esp and one of the purposes of it is to regulate collective experiences (very simplified version).
Some people (like maybe you) have extremely weak or broken or non-existent receptors for this, or due to life events you’ve mostly shut it off.
Most people with functioning receptors enjoy being together and doing things together because it stimulates this channel in enjoyable ways. That thing that people call ‘vibing’ is largely massaging this receptor.
Mine sort of functions though I’m more receptive/interpretive rather than just letting it do its thing. Put me in a group of agitated people and I become dull and stupid, put me around a bunch of adrenaline charged people and I’m alert and almost high.
Just my $.02
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haha. I have a similar baseline theory, but we have come to completely opposite conclusions. Yes on the “esp” but I figure whatever receptors I’ve got are screwed up in about the same way as my sensory receptors: gating/filtering/boundary problems.
So in the case of hearing, this means I hear in the normal range, but I can’t filter background noise, so noisy environments are difficult because I can’t do basic things like follow a conversation or listen to the music: it’s a wall of inchoate noise that I can’t adjust to. I can’t stop registering every voice in the room all at once. I understand normal people can tune in on just the people around them and stop hearing peripheral noise. I… can’t. In a restaurant or gathering I’m reduced to lipreading, which I’m not great at. I think hearing aids can have a similar effect.
Perhaps the inability to enjoy groups of people is similar: whatever esp is involved in that fails to filter input and and is unpleasant and exhausting rather than gently stimulating in the healthy way normal people experience it.
ethyl
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I felt this vibing that you describe maybe 3 times in my life. It was extremely enjoyable. All 3 times it happened was when I was talking with people about books. I can’t feel it during conversations about the weather because I’m tortured by the thought that I could be spending that time with books. 😂😂😂
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“this vibing that you describe maybe 3 times in my life”
Well the vibing might be sparked by nice conversation but then it kind of reverbs for a while with no constant reinforcement needed. sometimes just getting together can activate it.
One example I remember was the first online department meeting during the lockdown. Everybody on camera was grinning to beat the band (and Poland is not a place where people smile for no reason) and it went way over schedule as people were saying hello to each other and lingering and not wanting to log out, so I don’t think physical proximity is even always necessary.
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