Russians, of course, have immediately announced that Ukraine’s Eurovision win was organized by the CIA with the specific purpose of hurting Russia. This is actually being discussed in the Russian parliament because there is nothing at all pathetic about fixating on a pop music contest in a country in the grip of a major economic crisis.

The sense of grievance that can be derived from Ukraine’s win will sustain Russians for months. It’s been a while since they had a chance to flaunt their supposed persecution by the CIA.

Yes, it sounds ridiculous that anybody would believe that the CIA will rig singing contests to spite Russia. But it was just as ridiculous to say that the CIA organized the Revolution of Dignity in Ukraine. And yet, there was not a major publication and barely a person in the US who failed to buy this lie. For over a year, literally everybody I met eagerly rolled out the “CIA-sponsored coup in Ukraine”, seemingly unaware that the expression had been invented in the Kremlin.

It is always, always important to take a moment and ask oneself, “What if this is not about me?” whenever one hears of events happening in other countries. Or one will continue to be easily manipulated into seeing CIA coups in everything.

The Dutch have gone completely nuts. They have started killing rape victims because it’s such a drag to have to treat them. A woman in her 20s was given a lethal injection in the Netherlands because it was decided that there was no way to help her overcome the trauma of childhood sexual abuse and it was easier to kill her off.

It’s curious that Netherlands is adamantly opposed to capital punishment for anybody, including rapists, but gladly execute rapists’ victims. With the erosion of the European welfare state, it will become increasingly convenient to get rid of people requiring mental health care by gently guiding them towards death. This is also a convenient way of unburdening the system of public medical care.

I support euthanasia for people in the very last stages of terminal illnesses who will die within the next couple of weeks. But killing off healthy 20-year-olds is beyond immoral.

Suck on this, Russians!

It’s very important to Ukrainians that they won with a song by an artist who represents the Muslim Tatar minority and whose sing commemorated the Soviet genocide of the Tatars. It’s so cool that the win went to the people who really need it.

Let’s celebrate!

Is it a new customer service fad to ask shoppers what their plans are for the weekend? Three weeks in a row I stare stupidly at store assistants and cashiers without the slightest idea as to what I’m supposed to say in response to their cheerful, “So. Got any fun plans for this wonderful, sunny day?” They don’t seem to be content with a yes or a no. But I’m pretty sure it’s not a detailed account of my schedule for the day that they want to hear. I tried deflecting by asking what their plans were but it sounded like mockery given that they were clearly working.

Just as I mastered the correct way to handle the interminable hi-how-are-yous, life throws me this new sociability curveball.

N is taking Klara around the house and telling her the names of objects she sees.

“This is a computer,” he tells her. “These are books. This is the kitchen sink. And this, Klarochka,” he says, picking a package of beets, “is identity.”

People who take identity too seriously are just sad, and we want to help our Klara avoid that burden.

One of the differences between Russians and Ukrainians is that the former think borscht is soup while the latter know it’s a philosophy of existence. You can find out a lot about people based on how they make and eat their borscht.

People who come from the Ukrainian countryside, put salo in their borscht. They do hard physical labor, and need to raise the caloric content of borscht because this will be their entire meal. When people move from the countryside to a city, they drop salo from their borscht.

Ukrainians who are poor and whose borscht ends up being too thin, eat it with a very hot red pepper to mask the lack of flavor.

Russians who are poor use a different money-saving approach. They skip the step of sautéing their vegetables in sunflower oil and just dump them raw into the stock instead. For a Ukrainian, however, it’s unimaginable that borscht can be disrespected this way.

Jewish Ukrainians like to accompany their borscht with a kotleta, instead of a slice of bread.

And I always accompany it with radishes because I’m addicted to radishes and eat them 5 times a day.

To be clear the Sander’s campaign is now justifying the continued acceptance of campaign donations on the premise that the democratic system, which they have labeled “corrupt” due to the utilization of super delegates, will now salvage THEIR chances for winning by giving them the opportunity to utilize those self same super delegates.

And it’s a good thing because who wants to support a party that nominates unqualified people for high office, thereby trivializing and sullying the office in question?

In a similar vein, a friend asked me where Hillary stood on the toilet issue, and I responded that she stood wherever the most recent focus group indicated it wanted her to stand. And that is unbelievably cool. I come from a place where nobody has cared what the people want – well, ever. I only want politicians who have no opinions, no beliefs, no personality, and who exist to transmit the will of the voters. Which has enormous drawbacks since voters are dumb. But this system is massively better than any alternative.

So good job, Bernie. Things are going exactly as they should.

When people discover I have a 3-month-old, they invariably ask how I’m sleeping. Nobody has asked so far how I’m eating. As if the disruption of eating patterns was something to sneeze at.

I feel misunderstood and at odds with the rest of humanity.

P.S. This is a humorous post, by the way. Ha ha.

There is good news, too, however. On the way to the doctor’s, I passed a house with a sign in the front yard that said, “RAUNER IS WRONG.” It’s so nice to know that I’m not entirely alone in my very sane dislike of Rauner in this town.

So everyone was all like “Go to a different OB-GYN, go to somebody less religious.” So I did. And here is what the new OB-GYN came up with to make patients feel totally not judged for having aborted. Just in case you are not entirely sure how your doctor feels about your reproductive choices, lift up your eyes as you are laying on the examination table, and encounter this, you dirty whore.

I never aborted but even I felt judged because who knows what in my medical history might prompt the doctor to start praying for my sins. I’m worried that unless I’ve given virgin birth, I might not be pure enough.