Have you heard of people who have started calling themselves “demisexuals“? These are folks who claim they are being oppressed for only being able to desire sexually people whose personalities they like and with whom they want to have a romantic relationship.
Everybody is now bashing such folks for daring to claim they are oppressed but I wanted to point out that, as ridiculous as the idea of society persecuting these “demisexuals” is, these are people who are suffering from a sexual problem. They expect their sexuality to service their social needs which, if you think about it, is not that different from expecting your food intake to service same social needs. Do you consider to be completely healthy those people who eat not when they are hungry but when it is socially acceptable?
To be a “demisexual” you have got to be a person who has interiorized the idea that sex is bad and dirty and who needs to justify his or her sexual desires as being at the service of some socially acceptable goal (e.g. finding a stable relationship.) Such people deserve our compassion whether or not they make idiots out of themselves by claiming to be oppressed.
The problem with treating them compassionately, however, is that such folks with stunted sexualities are extremely likely to act as an oppressive force. These are the people who have fits of hysteria when they realize that others might be having sex just for the sake of enjoyment. Anti-choicers, anti-contraception folks, anti-pornography and anti-masturbation crowd – these are all people who have stunted their own sexualities and hate everybody else for not doing the same.
Clarissa's Blog 
I thought for a moment it was April 1st. But then a quick Google confirms that these people do exist. I wonder where they get the time to think up this stuff!
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I exist. I can be sexually attracted to only a person I have a deep meaningful and long-lasting emotional relationship with. That’s the only sexual relationship I can enjoy. I don’t think of myself as ‘superior’ or in need of finding excuses as this ignorant article suggests.
I have no fits of hysteria except when sb insists on my having unpleasant inane sex.
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A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It’s more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being “halfway between” sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.
When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.
According to one hypothetical model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person’s looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.
Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.
“Demisexual” is sometimes out under the gray-A umbrella. Demisexuality differs from gray-asexuality in that demisexuality is a specific sexual orientation in between “sexual” and “asexual”, whereas “gray-A” is a highly unspecific catch-all used for anything between sexual and asexual that does not fit.
Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of being “just friends”, which may make them sexually value the relationship less.
Demis may also append a gender orientation to the label, as in “Demi-heterosexual”.
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” Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality”
– To whom?
“nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality.”
– To whom?
“When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation.”
– Buddy, have you tried learning some basic grammar?
People who talk to themselves in public spaces are scary.
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Actually, claiming to be a demisexual is the only socially “correct” position for a woman to publicly take. In many job environments & social circles saying the opposite would have the potential to hurt such a woman. This claiming to be oppressed is disgusting. Try to say the opposite & see how oppressed you’ll be.
It’s like saying you’re opressed in US because of being a Christian, white, young, educated, 100% healthy man. In case I forgot some qualifier, feel free to add more.
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“Actually, claiming to be a demisexual is the only socially “correct” position for a woman to publicly take. In many job environments & social circles saying the opposite would have the potential to hurt such a woman.”
– Like among the fundamentalists? But there it is the same for women and men. AS for job environments, I find it strange that people would discuss their sexualities at work. Even I don;t do that. 🙂 🙂
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F.e. at school or later, when you talk with friends. Some stuff is more acceptable to say than other.
Have you seen those 2 comments?
1 – Demisexuality is more than just not wanting to have sex with someone until you have a connection. It’s part of being asexual, in that it’s not experiencing attraction until you have a connection of some kind (whether romantic or not). It’s nice to have a label for it, even though coming out as demi isn’t really a big deal. It still means feeling left out of certain things and not really understanding what’s going on inside yourself.
2- Asexuality and demisexuality are descriptive identities. Possessing an unusual identity doesn’t always lead to being oppressed. For some people, acknowledging a formal asexual identity is useful. It makes it easier to view oneself as a normal variant, and not a “failure” at sexuality. In the broad North American culture, there is no oppression. In some religious communities in which marriage and child-bearing are regarded as the sole life path for women, yes, being asexual plus possessing an active aversion to sex (as opposed to “so what”) could lead to oppression within the community.
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You know how I feel about “identities” and “labels.” I agree that they are super useful. They are a way of castrating oneself in order to fit in. People are entitled to doing that and I’m entitled to having opinions about that.
” It still means feeling left out of certain things and not really understanding what’s going on inside yourself.”
– So why not try to figure it out instead of hiding behind a label? This is what I find so bizarre about these identity folks. How can it not be fascinating to discover unknown parts of yourself? What can be more important than understanding oneself?
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I put those comments here because I was curious of the connection to asexuality the 1st person made.
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And that’s precisely what I find so strange in these comments: ” It’s nice to have a label for it. . . It still means feeling left out of certain things and not really understanding what’s going on inside yourself.”
Why use a label instead of trying to figure out what you don’t understand? I mean, I could easily hide from my issues by labeling myself “a masochist” and “a neurotic.” Then, I guess, I could form a group to defend my right to be as neurotically masochistic as I want. Sure, that would be fun. And it would be so easy to find a huge community of other masochistic neurotics to join.
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Alright, I identify as demisexual, so I’ll try to explain this to you to the best of my ability.
No, I don’t think demisexuals are “oppressed,” that’s patently ridiculous. Anyone who says so is delusional. The only reason I like to use the term is to make it easier for me to explain to potential partners what the deal is.
The deal is that I don’t feel physically attracted to people unless/until I have an emotional bond with them. I might see someone in a bar and think, “Hm, that person is attractive,” but I have NEVER felt a desire to have sex with or even kiss someone I didn’t know very well.
You’ve read my writing enough by now to know that I’m FAR from a prude. I love sex. But I only experience sexual desire with people I’m emotionally connected with and have known for longer for a few months.
I don’t have a “sexual problem.” I don’t think sex is “dirty.” This is just how I experience sexuality. The only people who see this as a “problem” are the people who pressure me to hook up with them and find, to their immense chagrin, that I’m not interested.
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You said you came from an extremely Conservative background, right? Do you see any connection here?
“The only people who see this as a “problem” are the people who pressure me to hook up with them and find, to their immense chagrin, that I’m not interested.”
– This sounds like a suggestion that I’m pressuring you for a hookup. 🙂 🙂
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No, I don’t. My parents never discouraged me from sex, always taught me that it’s important to have sex before I get married so that I’m sure that there’s chemistry, and so on. My parents were conservative, but not in this regard.
I usually talk openly about sex with my mom and ask her for advice. There are plenty of dirty jokes in my house.
I’d rather you didn’t try to tell me why my sexuality works the way it does. Whether or not you think demisexuality is a “thing” or not, I don’t think you know enough about my life to jump to any conclusions.
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“I’d rather you didn’t try to tell me why my sexuality works the way it does. ”
– Please observe that I didn’t tell you anything. I simply asked a question. Why is this such a touchy subject that a simple polite question is seen as an insult?
“Whether or not you think demisexuality is a “thing” or not, I don’t think you know enough about my life to jump to any conclusions.”
– Can you point me to any conclusions (as opposed to questions) in my comment?
By the way, if somebody told me “The only reason you, Clarissa, are heterosexual is that your oppressive patriarchal culture would have destroyed you for not being one”, I would be extremely interested in exploring that. The last thing I would feel is anger or annoyance.
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If it isn’t too private, do you immediately know whether you’ll feel this desire after X time or not? Presumably you won’t want to have sex with every person with whom you can have a deep emotional connection, right?
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//If it isn’t too private, do you immediately know whether you’ll feel this desire after X time or not?
I mean if he is a good person, friend, etc.
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No, I have no idea. Most of the people I’ve developed sexual relationships with, the first while that I knew them, I had NO interest. None. In some cases, I even thought they were unattractive. But then later I developed that sexual attraction and began to see them as physically attractive. I can’t really see it coming.
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//My parents never discouraged me from sex, always taught me that it’s important to have sex before I get married so that I’m sure that there’s chemistry
There is a HUGE difference between talking about sex & advising to have it before marriage, and being OK with one’s daughter having not serious relationship(s), in which it’s clear from the beginning it’ll be temporary.
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For what it’s worth, I’ve been hooking up with a friend of mine for a year and a half now. My parents know about it. Everyone knows about it. Note that I only said I need emotional connection to feel attraction, not a “Relationship.”
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I can understand the idea of being demisexual . . . as that’s how I feel. Here you can find a more neutral definition: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual
I do think asexuality and demisexuality are legitimate orientations . . . I might feel that way because of my background, true. But it doesn’t change that that’s how I experience sexuality. I don’t think my siblings are that way necessarily. I wasn’t really that curious about sex until I was in college. It’s just something that never occurred to me . . . I know that’s not typical, but it’s true. I don’t think it’s just because of my background because the majority of teenagers in the US, I think, explore sexuality regardless of their background.
I would agree that this idea of oppression is patently ridiculous. Like Miriam, I don’t think demisexual means that a desire for a relationship has to be involved in the attraction. I’ve just noticed I feel more sexually attracted to people when I appreciate their personality than otherwise.
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Something I forgot to mention: I do, however, think that people tend to discredit the idea of asexuality because they can’t understand why people might experience no sexual attraction, and I do think that’s unfair. That’s just how some people feel . . . as is the demisexuality. I don’t repress sexuality in myself . . . in fact, I’ve often been distressed that I don’t feel sexual urges as much as others do because it makes me fear for my normalcy. It also makes me afraid that people might look down on me for it.
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“I’ve often been distressed that I don’t feel sexual urges as much as others do because it makes me fear for my normalcy. It also makes me afraid that people might look down on me for it.”
Exactly. If I really wanted to fit in, I’d have tons of hook-ups like most people at college.
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Oooookay. Another demisexual here.
No, I’m not oppressed. I’m not entirely sure where you found that to be claimed, but as someone who hunted for ages for an explanation for the fact that sex rarely even registers on my mind as a thing to think about, I never found any demi claiming oppression.
For me, and a number of people in the demi-identified category, I would explain sexual attraction as being like carrots. Do carrots often end up on your mind? Probably not. Do they end up being desirable in very specific situations, such as planting a garden or making dinner? Probably so.
I find most people attractive, but that has no relation to sexual desire. I’ve been that type of attracted to four people, ever. Each time it was so patently different and startling and new (and if every little lesson on puberty I got was correct, most people experience sexual feelings and attraction regularly starting in their teens) that I found it rather distressing to begin with.
Furthermore, your determination that you know how I think about sex:
“To be a “demisexual” you have got to be a person who has interiorized the idea that sex is bad and dirty and who needs to justify his or her sexual desires as being at the service of some socially acceptable goal (e.g. finding a stable relationship.) ”
is both false and condescending. I don’t think sex is bad and dirty, I think it’s awfully fun…but I only desire it rarely. I don’t have sex in search of finding a stable relationship, I just have only ever wanted it *after* being in one for a good amount of time. I’m not entirely sure why this is even a problem. After all, it’s my sexual behavior, and unless we were partners, it wouldn’t have any effect on yours. I’m not anti- contraception, choice, porn, or masturbation.
To tackle your analogy to demi and conservativism, it’s not like this orientation would suddenly change were I to be married–which is the circumstance when fundamentalists seem to think one should be having lots of sex and babies.
Lastly, I’m not suffering from a sexual problem. I am perfectly happy in my orientation, though I occasionally am frustrated spending time like this correcting misconceptions. An actual sexual problem would involve causing distress or harm to others or myself. (see DSM for full definition). I am not. I don’t expect others to experience desire the way I do, or act as if they should. However, you appear to wish for me to change into some other model of behavior that you deem more ‘healthy’. I’d rather not, thanks.
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“Furthermore, your determination that you know how I think about sex”
– OK, no more comments from people who believe that the post was directed at them personally even though I have no idea who they are will be answered. Don’t you realize that you make an impression of being completely unhinged when you say things like “your determination that you know how I think” and “you appear to wish for me to change”? I have no idea who you are. Are you aware of this fact?
I find it really scary that people would see every word published online by anonymous authors as directed at them personally.
” I’m not entirely sure why this is even a problem.”
– Good for you. Should I be prevented from discussing what I believe is problematic on my own blog? Or do you seriously expect me to guess what you – a person I don’t know – does or does not consider problematic and channel those ideas on my blog? Do you see how this is an extremely weird way of structuring a dialogue?
“However, you appear to wish for me to change into some other model of behavior that you deem more ‘healthy’.”
– Again, I have absolutely no idea who you are. Consequently, I don’t want anything from you.
” I’d rather not, thanks.”
– You really think that I made some demand or request directed at you, right? I wonder what the DSM thinks of that way of relating to complete strangers.
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//if every little lesson on puberty I got was correct, most people experience sexual feelings and attraction regularly starting in their teens
It doesn’t make it true. Many things people learn from pop culture & “common sense” are harmful, false or both.
F.e. one can experience sexual feelings from teens (or even before) & have a strong libido AND find only extremely few people sexually attractive. I talk about people to whom sexual attraction or lack of it are evident from a glance across a room or from max 5 min of talking. To those people a person may be a great friend & all, but, without feeling immediate attraction, no sexual feelings would develop because of him being a good friend, etc.
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A general question to everybody: why is it easier to adopt a label (“i’m demisexual / asexual / heterosexual”, etc.) instead of analyzing why one is that way? Why does any analysis of different ways of being provoke such anger? If one is 100% happy with one’s sexuality, why is an analysis of what formed it so threatening?
I understand that this may be painful if we are talking about sexualities that are discriminated against. But the ultra-acceptable forms of being I have listed are not threatened by anything. Why such a resistance to discussing it?
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Most of us HAVE thought about it. We just don’t feel like explaining things to a blogger on the internet that we normally reserve for the therapist’s office. I’m not sure why that’s so strange to you.
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Because I’m getting attacked with a lot of aggression for offering my analysis on my blog instead of keeping it at my therapist’s office. I’m trying to figure out where the anger comes from. When I offered to discuss insomnia – another thing usually discussed with therapists – nobody had a problem. I wonder why that is.
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I’m not sure where you see this aggression. Also, most people consider it inappropriate when others make inferences about their family history and personal life. For instance, I write about depression on my blog and would be totally fine with someone being like, “Oh by the way, I heard that it helps to write in a journal/take fish oil supplements/whatever.” I would NOT be ok with someone being like, “Hmm, have you ever asked yourself if the reason you have depression is because your parents didn’t love you enough?”
Also, you were pretty condescending in your original post in assuming that demisexuality is a “sexual problem” and not just a different way to experience attraction. If you were so curious as to its origins, you could have asked, rather than jumping to your own conclusions and refusing to reconsider them when we disagreed with you.
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“Furthermore, your determination that you know how I think about sex”
“However, you appear to wish for me to change into some other model of behavior that you deem more ‘healthy’.”
– This. It is not only aggressive, it is also quite scary. It makes me feel literally scared when people I don’t know start assuming I’m speaking to them with my posts.
” I would NOT be ok with someone being like, “Hmm, have you ever asked yourself if the reason you have depression is because your parents didn’t love you enough?””
– And I would. I’d be grateful for a comment like that. This would immediately become my favorite commenter. I’m not saying that you should feel this way, too, I’m just saying that I have no way of guessing that anybody might find this offensive.
” If you were so curious as to its origins, you could have asked, rather than jumping to your own conclusions and refusing to reconsider them when we disagreed with you.”
– I’m not curious. And I don’t see why I need to ask anybody to provide me with answers about an issue I have experienced on a personal and painful basis, analyzed and worked with.
What other experiences of mine should I not be discussing on my blog to avoid offending people’s feelings? Autism? Anxiety? Depression? Divorce? Suicidal ideation? I have explanations for all of these issues. Should I just conceal them for fear that others might disagree? Or avoid sharing the insights I have gleaned by making constant disclaimers about how this is just me and nobody else should pay any attention? This is not a rhetorical question. I’m really interested. I’ve been avoiding blogging about these things precisely because I know that my insights will enrage people.
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I think the most accurate answer here would be that you didn’t analyze. Analysis would involve discussing a single person’s experience, or doing research on the group as a whole. You did neither.
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“Analysis would involve discussing a single person’s experience, or doing research on the group as a whole. ”
– Now you are trying to write my posts for me? 🙂 Why not just write your own instead?
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I do. Regularly. Including about demisexuality. Doing both of the stated things of analysis.
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“I do. Regularly. Including about demisexuality. Doing both of the stated things of analysis.”
– Good. And I can guarantee that you will never find me suggesting how you should be organizing your posts and your thinking on the matter.
If only I could count on the same courtesy from others.
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//offering my analysis on my blog instead of keeping it at my therapist’s office
I love when you do it about different issues.
//Autism? Anxiety? Depression? Divorce? Suicidal ideation? I have explanations for all of these issues. Should I just conceal them for fear that others might disagree?
Would love to read about all of them, but thought you didn’t write because of some issues being too personal to write on a public blog. Especially the last 4 issues interest me.
//And I would. I’d be grateful for a comment like that.
Good to know. Sometimes I want to comment, but am afraid to sound too impudent or putting one’s nose in somebody’s private issues. Usually people don’t like that. Like some of your readers.
I suppose “Enough already on this topic” refers to me. Want to say in my defense that
1) everybody understands everybody can write what one wants on one’s blog (I do)
2) first point being stressed, my request was to write about other topics too, not to not post posts you wrote / want to write. It’s like you feel that topic is “safe” to post about, but prevent yourself from posting on lots of fascinating topics. F.e. you never posted about suicidal ideation & were afraid to post RE Middle East too. Did post a bit on others, like feeling depression because of needing to make changes in one’s life, right?
RE blogging requests – want to remind of that post on writing you promised and I would love to hear your thoughts on Middle East and Israel, if you have reached some conclusions, of course. 🙂
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I’ve wanted to write about depression for ages. I have the entire post in my head. But while I was composing it, I kept adding disclaimers upon disclaimer and envisioning irate readers, so I just canned it. But since you expressed interest in the subject, I will now write about it. I have to reward good, constant readers. 🙂
“I suppose “Enough already on this topic” refers to me”
– I knew this would happen! No, this wasn’t about you. This was about a certain somebody who emails me at least once a week with this comment. She knows who she is.
“Sometimes I want to comment, but am afraid to sound too impudent or putting one’s nose in somebody’s private issues. Usually people don’t like that.”
– I don’t enjoy superficial exchanges of the “good for you” and “I know you can do this” variety. I like intense, personal debates.
“F.e. you never posted about suicidal ideation & were afraid to post RE Middle East too.”
– There are a few other topics that I’m not even mentioning tangentially because I know there will be drama.
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My two cents . . .
” I would NOT be ok with someone being like, “Hmm, have you ever asked yourself if the reason you have depression is because your parents didn’t love you enough?””
“- And I would. I’d be grateful for a comment like that. This would immediately become my favorite commenter.”
As someone who writes a mental health blog, I for one would be offended because that comment would assume that I’d never considered those issues, and I certainly have. It would seem slightly condescending to me because the commenter would be assuming that I took everything at face value rather than questioning it, and I question *everything*. Or most everything, anyway. It would sound like they thought they knew more about what’s going on in my head than I do. I’m a reflective person.
But for what it’s worth, I can see the other side, the side of simply positing a question on intellectually neutral terms–but there are certain situations in which it is not advisable to do so.
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“As someone who writes a mental health blog, I for one would be offended because that comment would assume that I’d never considered those issues, and I certainly have. It would seem slightly condescending to me because the commenter would be assuming that I took everything at face value rather than questioning it, and I question *everything*”
– I wouldn’t go to another person’s blog with such questions and I never do. But if somebody comes to my blog, and especially if it’s somebody who has been a long-time reader and knows how I think about these issues, I can hardly be expected to guess that they are not willing to engage in a discussion on my terms. For instance, I never go to blogs by housewives to criticize their lives. Never ever ever. But if they come here and make comments, I feel free to answer them the way I feel like.
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Isnt saying youre a Demisexual the same as saying youre Autistic? I would imagine they both are related to brain chemistry and such.
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That’s not my explanation of autism. I just hope that I’m allowed to offer my own narrative of what autism is without any outbursts of the “You are telling me how to live my life” variety.
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I wonder how you would feel if I linked Autism to a dysfunctional home environment? Mind you, I think that could definately be a possibility.
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You are telling me? 🙂 🙂 Autism is precisely a way of escaping from an intolerable environment, which I have said many times on this blog. And once I accepted that, it became much easier for me to work with my autism. I’m fairly confident that I might even succeed in learning to drive, that’s how productive this exploration has been for me.
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You are definately one interesting lady. 🙂
“Slowly all the roles we act out become our identity
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.”
Jerry Cantrell
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““Slowly all the roles we act out become our identity
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.””
– What a brilliant quote!!!
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Alright, here’s a hypothetical. If you had written a blog post about how homosexuals, rather, are “suffering from a sexual problem” and have “stunted sexualities” — would you not expect homosexual individuals to flock to your blog, making comments defending their sexual orientation and lifestyle? That’s all Miriam and Kate are doing. And if that sort of thing genuinely “scares” you the way that you say it does, you might want to reconsider having a blog in the first place. ‘Cause that’s kind of the whole thing about blogs.
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“Alright, here’s a hypothetical. If you had written a blog post about how homosexuals, rather, are “suffering from a sexual problem” and have “stunted sexualities” — would you not expect homosexual individuals to flock to your blog, making comments defending their sexual orientation and lifestyle”
– I have already addressed that in my comment about persecuted and discriminated sexualities in this very thread. It’s the same as nationalism: I ridicule nationalist identifications and subject them to a careful deconstruction. But I don’t do that for nationalisms that are under a colonial rule right now. After they get liberated, I will proceed to ridicule and deconstruct them.
“And if that sort of thing genuinely “scares” you the way that you say it does, you might want to reconsider having a blog in the first place.”
– You seem to be a new reader, so I will just point out that I really detest it when people tell me what I should do on my blog.
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//There are a few other topics that I’m not even mentioning tangentially because I know there will be drama.
Now I am sure I would LOVE to read & discuss most of them. And other readers too. 😦
It’s also counter-productive. A way to attract readers is to write in an interesting way about as many topics as you can. Your blog is already interesting, of course, but I am sure (honestly feel it) it would’ve been twice (at least) as interesting as now, were you to add new topics & insights. Of course, it would attract even more readers and, as a sup-group, even more irritated readers, and some bloggers are afraid of trolls & prefer to have more family/community style of blogs. Hope (for myself as a reader first) you would choose another road and stop going down this one.
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You are absolutely right. When I just wrote whatever I wanted and the way I wanted, the blog’s readership grew exponentially. Once I started being all mild and inoffensive, the readership plateaued. People got bored because it’s always the same thing and it’s something they heard a gazillion times before. Now I have gotten into the habit of telling people in RL the parts of my posts that I suppressed.
“But why don’t you just write that?” they ask. And I can finally admit they are right. I am a lot more interesting in RL than I am now on the blog. And that’s a crying shame.
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//People got bored because it’s always the same thing and it’s something they heard a gazillion times before.
That’s what I started feeling too, but it wouldn’t be polite for me to mention first, though I did once. I am glad you see it.
I participated in fandom and the moment new topics stop coming, after X rehearsals of old books/ issues/ topics/ whatever, the community starts dying. Isn’t it interesting? 1st we build a community, then if it demands agreement (many of places I visited – didn’t, btw), it caries in itself the seeds of its’ own destruction. Like a natural life-cycle of a human body. The decay begins the moment we stop growing. Can be fascinating topic for research, btw. When it happens in Internet communities & when it doesn’t.
Saw it with my own eyes. Ditto about some blogs I followed in the past, but now don’t or hardly ever visit. The same topics and I know 99% what the person will say, so why read?
//““Slowly all the roles we act out become our identity
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.””
Isn’t it like the Russian quote:
Мысль — порождает поступок, поступок — привычку, привычка — характер, характер — судьбу.
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“That’s what I started feeling too, but it wouldn’t be polite for me to mention first, though I did once. I am glad you see it.”
– It’s OK. Politeness is highly overrated. 🙂 🙂 As a friend once taught me: “A true friend will not avoid telling you unpleasant truths for fear of offending you. A true friend is somebody who would put themselves on the line and risk provoking your anger for the sake of being honest and helpful.” I argued with him about this passionately for months. And then I realized he was right. He was also the only person who dared to tell me that I was a lousy writer. 🙂
“Ditto about some blogs I followed in the past, but now don’t or hardly ever visit. The same topics and I know 99% what the person will say, so why read?”
– I know exactly what you mean. I have a tendency towards intellectual rigidity, too, and I know I need to battle it. This is one of the things I really admire in N. – he is the least intellectually rigid person I know.
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I feel like the asexual/demisexual oppression discussion has stemmed from a misunderstanding about what is sexually “normal”; a misunderstanding that is mostly fuelled by the media. I see a lot of discussions about “societal pressure” to have a high sex drive, be attracted to lots of people and have a lot of random sex, but in general “society” does not actually approve of that, especially for women. Can you imagine if President Obama spoke publicly about all the people he finds hot or admitted to having sex with lots of people who aren’t his wife? Goodbye re-election! I can absolutely believe that people have found themselves in social groups that pressure them to have lots of sex, especially when they’re young, but small social groups aren’t the big-picture society. I also feel that it can seem like everyone is having a lot of sex because the people who have a lot of sex might also talk about it the most.
I love a particular example from Cracked.com–hardly a scientific or academic study of course, but I think it shows the disconnect between the media and the real world. I’m not sure what the original article was so I don’t have link, but it pointed out that George Costanza from Seinfeld, who is a socially inept loser, had 42 sexual partners over the 9-year run of the show, while the average number of sexual partners in a lifetime for the average person is 7.
So I’m not sure why this “demisexual” label is necessary–never ever being sexually attracted to a stranger may not line up with what an average sexual life looks like, but just because it isn’t “average” doesn’t mean it’s not “normal”. I think discussions about sexuality would be much more productive if we acknowledge that there is lot of individual variation within broader categories, and that variation is ok, instead of trying to label every little thing. I’ve also heard “lithosexual” (I think that means you experience sexual attraction but don’t ever act on it) and “sapiosexual” (being attracted only to a person’s mind).
I have so far been unconvinced that people who use the demisexual label are oppressed–I don’t see what societal disadvantage they have that people with average sexuality do not have. Being ostracized by certain social groups is not oppression–people with high sex drives can also be ostracized by social groups, and all that means is you need to find better people to be friends with.
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This is a good, interesting comment. Finally, we are starting to have a good, insightful discussion about this.
Thank you, randiradio.I especially liked the observation about George Costanza. 🙂
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Wow there is a lot of animosity here!
Well, personally I consider myself sexually dysfunctional. It is very hard for me to get aroused, my libido sucks, I never have spontaneous thoughts about sex, orgasms aren’t pleasant, I feel ‘attraction’ very, very rarely. I still date and enjoy a fairly normal sex life and dating life. I cannot enjoy sex with a person i do not have an emotional connection with, and through therapy to help my sexual dysfunction, I have discovered that this issue and many others are related to how my ideas formed about sex as a child and my early experiences.
Obviously, not all people want to explore why their sexualities are the way they are, and I believe people far too often use these labels as a crutch and a way to avoid some possibly very painful introspection.
I personally, was/ and am not content with the low level of sexual satisfaction I have, so I sought help, and I am still seeking solutions. I know there are people living contently with asexuality/demisexuality (I think I would be somewhere in the middle if I had to label myself) but I could not be one of them. And I don’t think as previously suggested, that my discontent with my sexuality is because of the media or because my sexuality isn’t perceived as normal. I think, actually, the media constantly reinforces the idea that it is very normal for women to have no interest in sex, and to view it as a chore.
I really, really want to be able to enjoy spontaneous sex, and to even be horny from time to time. If this is never a possibility for me, I at least want to understand why it is impossible. I understand many do not view asexuality as a form of sexual dysfunction, but I do, and that is my choice.
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Oh, what a brilliant comment. Finally, great comments started arriving at this thread.
I used to have a huge issue with this, too. I tried consoling myself with the idea that it was normal for women never to experience an orgasm during sex and perceive sexual intercourse as painful and a chore one needed to do for the sake of the relationship. It took a lot of work to overcome this early conditioning that cause the issue for me. Of course, I could have persisted in believing that it was just the way I was and even found a community of like-minded people to reassure me that this was normal and wonderful. I’m very happy that I chose the harder road of figuring this out, though.
“I think, actually, the media constantly reinforces the idea that it is very normal for women to have no interest in sex, and to view it as a chore.”
– Exactly.
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//It took a lot of work to overcome this early conditioning that cause the issue for me.
Can one do it oneself or, in your opinion, only with therapist?
//Yep. Hello to my grandma. Her lessons seem to have become a new identity fad
Yes. That’s why it made me angry. Not only wide culture shames women, but now the new “cool” progressives start whining they’re discriminated against for being, what’s called in Hebrew, a good girl/boy Jerusalem.
Also how foolish one must be to say “our culture pressures me as a woman to have 1001 hookups” in this culture. If your smallish circle of friends pressure you to do drugs / become an alcoholic / etc., it doesn’t mean wide culture does.
You don’t like passive language, with which I often disagree. By wide culture I mean: “grandma”, TV shows, lessons students are taught at schools, a woman talking RE importance of Pills being called a slut on radio, family, many peers, etc.
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Oh, it’s great to feel understood!! Good girls and boys feel oppressed for their goodness. That’s precisely what this is.
I dealt with my sexual issues long before I even discovered what therapy was. So I think it’s possible.
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//I dealt with my sexual issues long before I even discovered what therapy was. So I think it’s possible.
Could you, please, write more about it? I checked and in post RE “How can I develop a healthy, happy, exuberant sexuality?” you wrote – “Maybe I’ll write more about this when I’m less tired”
And also RE friends, loneliness and why some people have difficulties.
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EL:“How can I develop a healthy, happy, exuberant sexuality?” you wrote – “Maybe I’ll write more about this when I’m less tired”
“And also RE friends, loneliness and why some people have difficulties.”
I could write about this. I’m sure Clarissa will do a very thorough job, and I can barely remember, anymore, how I came to move from one state to another. Certainly, I picked up a certain wind regarding what a later author came to label “transgression” in Nietzsche. Basically, you work out what’s limiting you; what’s keeping you down. Generally it’s the internalization of moral inhibitions. You need to become a master (mistress) of your moral values, rather than allowing them to rule you. The way to teach your superego who is boss is by going against the values you’ve internalized that don’t serve you well. I had a hell of a lot of these — values of always inquiring of my conscience, divulging the contents of my conscience to anyone who asked and making my life subordinate to creating a good impression. Ask yourself if these principles are really serving you, or are they serving some kind of empty ideal — a pie in the sky “god”. If they don’t serve you, then transgress. For instance, suppose you always turn up at work on time for fear of creating a bad impression or even being reprimanded. What is the worst that can happen? Condemnation from your boss of condemnation from your superego? When I answered a similar question for myself I became sure that my boss didn’t frighten me in the slightest. I feared my own condemnation. So, I began with a small transgression, going against my rules, and found out nothing bad happened. I’d just given myself a bit more freedom to behave according to my interests, rather than according to my rules. That was just a beginning, but when you become less of a routine rule-follower, you open up your mind to be able to think. Suddenly, I had more options than before, and began to use them. The upshot is that this has worked out very well for me. I was suffering from a lot of internal pressure and that is all gone now. I had become quite physically ill with my inward directed aggression. Also, I’ve been married for over ten years and we are still in our “honeymoon” stage of the relationship. So all is good.
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Jennifer is right. This is a slow process of self-knowledge. For instance, one of my main issues was how to choose a partner. I had MANY admirers. I mean, a LOT. And I had no idea how to choose. I was so overwhelmed by the abundance of choice that I went onto a protracted period of celibacy, trying to figure things out. I read books, online sources, consulted online discussion boards until finally I found somewhere a suggestion that the right partner was the one you desired. I was so uneducated about these issues that it was a huge revelation. I’d never heard that before. So then I started figuring out how to understand who it was that I desired. 🙂
It was a very long, patient process of working and figuring things out. But I’m glad I undertook it instead of dismissing myself and my body with, “It’s the way it is and who cares why?”
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Yes, self knowledge is vitally important. And there will be people who oppose you on that, especially when you are younger and inclined to look to others for advice. Self-knowledge involves experimentation and the ability to be open to experience. If you’re open, others tend see that as an invitation to be controlling. At the same time, you can’t play it safe.
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“And there will be people who oppose you on that, especially when you are younger and inclined to look to others for advice.”
– This is precisely what I realized on my search. This is why I started relying a lot more on the opinions of people on internet forums because they had no personal stake in my life.
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Oh. The opinions of people on Internet forums were less than helpful to me. Those guys would have had to have known my background and what I was struggling with. Instead, I just kept getting, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You are no good. Come on, now.”
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I had the opposite problem to no sex drive. Well I had no particular sexual awareness, but I had a tremendous amount of aggression turned inward, which was my sex drive failing to express itself. You can’t just let it remain inward, you have to redirect it, otherwise your intellectual and emotional questions can’t be answered (that is, resolved).
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I fit the description of a demisexual, maybe. I have a very low sex drive, am much more likely to want to have sex with someone I know well (though, unlike some, I do not completely rule out encounters with strangers or people I’ve just met), and have experienced what Miriam described above, where I go from not finding a person the least bit physically attractive to, once I got to know him better, first being willing to take a chance on entering a romantic relationship with him, to being progressively able to do more and more kinds of sexual things with him, and enjoy them, around which time I noticed I had begun to find him beautiful. My low sex drive always remained, though. I initiated sex a lot less frequently than he did, and this disparity is actually part of the reason we opened the relationship up.
Why am I like this? I don’t know for sure. I know part of it stems from being autistic and having unusual, typically unpleasant responses to touch, but part of it may well stem from internalized shame or sex-negativity or, like Jennifer mentions, aggression turned inward. My parents are secular and liberal, but not 100% sex-positive. I also have a history of being subjected to unwanted sexual touching in my early teens, which I know has affected my sexuality adversely in at least one way.
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I am not sure I understand the definition. Demisexual means you have to know someone well, apparently. But what does that mean? I tend to agree with the comment way upthread, that this the same definition as “proper” sexuality — you know and like them first; they should be of your social class and have a similar education; you may not find them attractive but once you get to know them, they grow on you; etc. It really sounds like what I was taught would be “healthy,” “appropriate,” and so on. And also safe, socially acceptable, etc. ?
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” It really sounds like what I was taught would be “healthy,” “appropriate,” and so on. And also safe, socially acceptable, etc. ?”
– Yep. Hello to my grandma. Her lessons seem to have become a new identity fad. 🙂 🙂
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I don’t know; it seems entirely possible that there may be some people out there who, by some quirk of fate, just so happen to be naturally predisposed towards what is considered the “proper”, “healthy” sexual orientation.
But claiming oppression is just plain silly.
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As always, you are brilliant. 🙂
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Clarissa, you are confusing me. You chose to publish something you wrote, to make it available to the who Internet-having polulation, and now you are angry at people that are saying they disagree with you.
You say that it scares you that people took this as something about them, but you did write it about and to people, right?
Lastly, my own opinion: in a perfect world, no one would need labels. But in this world, some people do, and that is their choice to make (for instance, coming out to my parents as omnisexual was something I did since they assumed I was straight). You are quite free to criticize/analyze people’s decisions, and as such, people are also allowed to question your analysis, which seems a bit simplistic to me. There are many, many factors at play in sexuality and identity, and in my experience it is helpful to let people self-identify and assume the validity of their identity, while also analyzing pretty much everything
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“nd now you are angry at people that are saying they disagree with you.”
– Can you please point me to the place where I say, “I’m angry that people disagree with me”? Thank you!
“But in this world, some people do, and that is their choice to make (for instance, coming out to my parents as omnisexual was something I did since they assumed I was straight). You are quite free to criticize/analyze people’s decisions, and as such, people are also allowed to question your analysis”
– And two plus two make four. But don’t take this as me questioning your right to fill the thread with platitudes. Let’s be as trivial as we can! Banality is fun.
“in my experience it is helpful to let people self-identify and assume the validity of their identity, while also analyzing pretty much everything”
– And in my experience, this approach betrays a deep-seated indifference and is very dismissive.
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I guess I’m trying to say that the world has a long history of “no you’re not gay/trans/[insert identity here], you’ve just been brainwashed, and it’s pretty much always wrong.
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The world has also been telling women long enough that sexual enjoyment is not important and that the best thing a woman can do is subject her sexuality to the social and familial needs.
Excuse me for speaking out against that.
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Oh gosh, I’m sorry that I don’t see that you were doing such good feminist work. Criticizing the way some people enjoy their sexuality is the road to liberation! Calling their experiences “sexual problems” is the total opposite of shaming people’s sexuality!
Or, maybe people who are not imposing sexual moores on anyone else* are not actually the problem.
*Obviously sone of them are, because people do that, but its not because they identify as Demi.
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“Calling their experiences “sexual problems” is the total opposite of shaming people’s sexuality!”
– Nobody can “shame” you unless you choose to be shamed. The locus of shame is internal, not external. If the idea of an analysis is associated with shame in your mind, that is your problem, not mine.
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“Nobody can shame you unless you choose to be shamed”
So “slut shaming” is the fault of the women who feel shamed, rather than our culture’s loathing of female sexuality?
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This shame of practicing one’s female sexuality freely comes from exactly the same place as this “demisexuality” thing. It is a result of the belief that female sexuality can only exist if it serves a non-physiological purpose, that female sexuality is always relational.
If you want to combat slut-shaming, denouncing the myths of “demisexuality” is a fantastic place to start because these are simply two sides of the same coin.
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This is probably the most insensitive, intolerant and offensive post on demisexuality I have seen. I’m not demisexual (I’m asexual) so I can’t tell you what demisexual people think or feel, but what on earth makes you think that you can analyse other people’s identities (without specific reference to a person, or even knowing anything about them) and say that they’re illegitimate? How can you say that someone is repressed or sick without even knowing them? Just because sex is empowering for you doesn’t mean it is for other people as well. Just because you like sex doesn’t mean everyone else does. Walking all over someone else’s identity and attempting to delegitimise it is disrespectful, nasty and bigoted. Why is what you say about someone else’s feelings more valuable than what they have to say?
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On their blogs, whatever they have to say is valuable. But this is my blog, and here I will be expressing my own opinions and my own analysis. The oversensitive damsels who have fainting fits whenever they discover that competing opinions exist are none of my concern.
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“Take the new definition of the superego. No longer the instance of repression and judgment, of taboo and guilt, the superego has today become something obscene, whose perpetual injunction is: ‘Enjoy!’ Of course, the inner-directed Victorian must equally have been directed to enjoy his own specific historical repressions and sublimations; but that jouissance was probably not the same kind of enjoyment as that taken by the subject of consumer society and of obligatory permissiveness (Marcuse called it ‘repressive desublimation’), the subject of a desperate obligation to ‘liberate’ one’s desires and to ‘fulfil oneself’ by satisfying them.”
http://www.lrb.co.uk/v28/n17/fredric-jameson/first-impressions
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“Obligatory permissiveness”, eh? 🙂 It always amazes me what the onset of impotence does to a guy.
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What about the onset of viagra? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk9JwV8sZTs
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Ive been thinking some more about this, and I’d like to take back some of what I said. It was too long-winded. All I actually am trying to say is: you are wrong. Your pseudo-deep analysis fails to actually scratch the surface of reality. I have no interest in telling you what to do on your blog, I am jus going to tell you that you are incorrect, and move on. You clearly have interest in listening to anyone’s critisms, so, enjoy your echo chamber. Peace.
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Translation: I have absolutely no idea how to respond to these intelligent arguments, which is why I’ll just keep repeating petulantly, “No, it isn’t, no, it isn’t.”
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“So why not try to figure it out instead of hiding behind a label? This is what I find so bizarre about these identity folks. How can it not be fascinating to discover unknown parts of yourself? What can be more important than understanding oneself?”
How is labeling it at all ‘hiding from it’? To me, it sounds like the exact opposite.
Obviously, you don’t just stop at the label, you explore precisely the unique ways it shows up for you. But to label it means you see it and you recognize it.
And this is true both for psychological problems and for diverse identities. The first step is to label it, only then can you get the framework to truly understand it.
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“And this is true both for psychological problems and for diverse identities. The first step is to label it, only then can you get the framework to truly understand it.”
– This is so egregiously wrong that I have to ask where you found this argument. The only person who will label your psychological problems is precisely the one who will not even attempt to treat them. A psychiatrist labels and then gives you a scrip to deal with some of the symptoms. Psychiatry never even tries to treat the actual problem. A psychoanalyst, on the other hand, will never ever ever offer a diagnosis. Instead, s/he will address the root of the problem and help you eradicate it. Didn’t you know this??
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-Shrugs- The problem with your post is that it’s flat out full of assumptions.
…I would go into more detail as to what I mean by that, but here are two reasons as to why I won’t –
a) Other commenters have already articulated the idea far better than I ever could.
b) Rather than addressing the (perfectly valid) points themselves, your method of rebuttal is subverting to something entirely irrelevant (e.g. “This sounds like a suggestion that I’m pressuring you for a hookup.”, “OK, no more comments from people who believe that the post was directed at them personally”, “Now you are trying to write my posts for me? 🙂 Why not just write your own instead?”).
So, to summarize my impression of your post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrjwaqZfjIY
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“-Shrugs-”
– I don’t read posts or comments by people who start with “-Shrugs-” because they weird me out.
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Fantastic job proving the point I made in the post there.
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At least, I taught you to forego the “shrugs.” See what a good pedagogue I am? 🙂 🙂
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I think there is a lot of confusion around what being demisexual is. I also think that there are people claiming to be demisexual who aren’t. I identify as demisexual, but i also identify as bisexual, polyamourus, and bigendered. So I don’t consider myself hetero-normative at all. I don’t think demisexuals are persecuted, but they do have feel like outcasts. I think the most important thing is explaining to people that it’s not a choice. I have never understood instant sexual attraction, such as thinking a celebrity is sexy. I may however begin to be sexually attracted to someone after I get to know them after several weeks or months. This makes things very difficult for me because i usually start becoming sexually attracted to friends. From what I have heard and observed in my life, most people know if they want to have sex with someone else very early in meeting them. I tend not to be interested until months later. Unfortunately most of the time people tend not understand that this desire is new to me and did not exist when we first met. So more often then not I end up experiencing a lot of heartache because this also tends to end the friendship as well. This used to a sometimes still makes me feel like a freak and wish I could be normal. I think this is where a lot of the confusion about oppression comes in. People are not attacking or oppressing demisexuals, but the lack of public awareness that leads us to feel like freaks and alone. I did not know that being demisexual was a thing until a few years ago and before that i felt like no one else understood. So knowing there are others makes me feel better about it. I have never felt that sex was bad or dirty, but often have anxiety issues when first bring up my feelings and during the first couple of sexual encounters. The issue for me at least is I feel there is something wrong or bad about the way attracted to people. Right now I feel incredibly lucky to have a very active sex life with two wonderful lovers. Attraction for them works in the normal way and they both have other lovers. Some that they are invested in and others just for fun. What I love my current situation is that we understand and support each other.
I like that the term demisexual exists, because it let’s me know I’m not alone. What’s important to note is that being demisexual is not a choice I made. Being physically attracted to someone is out of my experience in the same way blue my not exist to a person that is colorblind. Someone who has made a choice to only sleep with people they love and thinks it makes them better the others is not a demisexual.
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” I think the most important thing is explaining to people that it’s not a choice.”
– All psychological problems are not a choice. So what?
“I have never understood instant sexual attraction, such as thinking a celebrity is sexy.”
– Thinking a celebrity is sexy has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with sexual attraction. How old are you that you have such a pre-school definition of sexual attraction?
” From what I have heard and observed in my life, most people know if they want to have sex with someone else very early in meeting them”
– This is what healthy sexuality is like.
“Unfortunately most of the time people tend not understand that this desire is new to me and did not exist when we first met.”
– Normally, this makes people feel used.
“So more often then not I end up experiencing a lot of heartache because this also tends to end the friendship as well. ”
– Of course. Why don’t you consult a sexologist? This issue can be addressed within just a few sessions and you won’t experience this problem any longer.
“I did not know that being demisexual was a thing until a few years ago and before that i felt like no one else understood. So knowing there are others makes me feel better about it.”
– Better than it would make you feel not to have this problem at all?
“I like that the term demisexual exists, because it let’s me know I’m not alone.”
– I suffer from hereditary high blood pressure. I would much rather prefer for this problem to go away than to know that everybdy else in the universe has the same problem.
“Being physically attracted to someone is out of my experience in the same way blue my not exist to a person that is colorblind.”
– So now you are saying you are not even attracted to your sex partners? Have you informed them of that?
Thank you for this comment because it offers proof for my theory that this “demisexuality” is not about sex but about creating an identity out of nothing but an easy solvable problem.
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Just so you are aware it was a doctor that introduced me to the term and taught me to accept it instead of be ashamed of it. My partners are aware my attraction is emotional and not physical and I knew them both for over a year before we had a sexual relationship. They know my level of sexual attraction is based on emotion and how they look. When they dress up nice i appreciate it the same way i appreciate a rose, but it doesn’t make me want them anymore or less . The second one even approached me and i explained my situation to her and we decided to pursue a friendship first and leave that as a possible future option. My anxiety is a illness brought on by my demisexuality and lack of understanding. My partners and councillor are helping me to overcome my anxiety. Demisexuality is written into my DNA and not something you can cure. I do wish I wasn’t demisexual because i do desire and love sex. When I’m single and horny I can’t just go out and meet someone, i’ve tried and felt horrible for trying. You can’t cure this, but if you make people aware of it maybe less people will feel like freaks and suffer from anxiety. So having names and promoting awareness for different types of sexual orientation is good. However we should all fit into one box for how we are sexualy attracted to one another. Human Sexuality is a giant mess we have biological sex, mental sexual identification, sexual orientation, and types of sexual attraction. Everyone single person alive has there own independent sexuality because we are all just a little different. There are popular trends in sexuality and we tend to call these norms. I wasn’t born like that so should I feel bad for it? People who aren’t stray from these norm lines have a lower chance of passing on there genes so maybe evolution will one day get rid of us who knows. I just want to live a happy life and knowing who you are helps a lot. I don’t want everyone to be demisexual I just want there to be some awareness. Imagine if you where the only person you knew with high blood pressure, you didn’t know what it was called, and it just confused other people. That would probably make it feel a lot worse. It’s a bad example, but at least you can relate to that more then being demisexual. Being demisexual doesn’t lead to having a unhealthy or unhappy life. It’s being different and not understanding or accepting it that leads to mental health issues. I’m overcoming these issues and am happy with who i am now. I just want to help other people be happy with themselves as well. If I had known sooner my mental health wouldn’t have taken as great of a blow. It’s very hard as a kid when everyone else starts noticing and talking about people they like and you just can’t relate. Then later on becoming attracted to a close friend and thinking you finally understand admitting your feelings and being accused of being disingenuous with your friendship. Having this cycle repeat to the point that you not only learn to fear any type of relationship romantic or friendly. Growing up isolating yourself because you are afraid of hurting other peoples feelings. The mental damage is awful and can be life threatening. Being different and not knowing why or what is incredibly hard. Once you learn what it is that makes you different things get much easier. You still have difficulties sometimes, but they get easier to handle and deal with. You can also let other people know about yourself in advance so there are no unpleasant surprises down the road. If you think this is such a easy thing to fix I would love to know how. Get it out there to the kids who are suffering because they feel different please. The only thing that I can do to help is promote awareness and acceptance of oneself.
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” My partners are aware my attraction is emotional and not physical and I knew them both for over a year before we had a sexual relationship.”
– So you have sex without feeling any desire to have sex? Because that’s how you get emotions? Jeez, buddy, do you realize how sad this sounds?
“I wasn’t born like that so should I feel bad for it?”
– No, you shouldn’t feel bad. You should seek professional help.
“Then later on becoming attracted to a close friend and thinking you finally understand admitting your feelings and being accused of being disingenuous with your friendship. Having this cycle repeat to the point that you not only learn to fear any type of relationship romantic or friendly. Growing up isolating yourself because you are afraid of hurting other peoples feelings. The mental damage is awful and can be life threatening. Being different and not knowing why or what is incredibly hard. Once you learn what it is that makes you different things get much easier. You still have difficulties sometimes, but they get easier to handle and deal with.”
– Note how you keep writing about yourself in the second person. When saying “I” becomes difficult, this is a sign of psychological problems that have to do with the fashioning of a stable identity.
I know you are in pain and I feel a lot of compassion for you. But you can always seek help.
” If you think this is such a easy thing to fix I would love to know how. ”
– Seek professional help. A psychologist, a sexopathologist, a sexologist, a psychoanalyst will be able to help you.
“The only thing that I can do to help is promote awareness and acceptance of oneself.”
– No, you can solve your problems and make the world a better place.
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“Demisexuality is written into my DNA”
– You can claim a Nobel Prize on the basis of this scientific discovery. Gosh, what weird things won’t people tell themselves to avoid solving their problems.
“You can’t cure this, but if you make people aware of it maybe less people will feel like freaks and suffer from anxiety.”
– Anxiety has an internal locus of control.
“Just so you are aware it was a doctor that introduced me to the term and taught me to accept it”
– The quack ripped you off.
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One last point. I don’t see my sexuality as needing to be socially acceptable. Being demisexual is just about having a sexual life based on emotional sexual attraction and not physical sexual attraction. It makes things like one night stands unlikely because that emotional attraction isn’t instant. Friends with benefits or a no strings attached one night thing with someone have known for are still very possible. It’s only because the emotional attraction takes time to develop that it tends to lead to more stable relationships. Emotional attraction is not necessarily based on love or romance, but more of a learning to desire and enjoy a persons company. When you start to desire time with that person and look for more and more pleasurable things to do it tends to lead to sex. Honestly wants more enjoyable then sex?
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OK, you also have huge problems with establishing a dialogue.
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I usually don’t have back and fourths like this so I do apologise for not being good at it. All I really wanted to do was get a simple point across and i think i went way off topic.
All I wanted to say was that I think the term demisexual existing is good because it helps me with my anxiety. I feel like anxiety comes from a feeling of being different or not normal. When someone who feels different learns that other people accept them they learn to accept themselves as well. Understanding what makes you different and being able to explain it to others promotes this acceptance and lowers your own stress and anxiety levels. Any number of things can make you feel different not just sexuality. Even being the only kid with glasses can be mentally damaging. Understanding and acceptance are excellent tools for maintaining good mental heath. I feel like the definition of demisexual is often misunderstood. People who think they are taking a moral high-ground or have maybe conditioned themselves into thinking sex needs to be more then just enjoyable should not label themselves this way. I think it’s hard to understand something that is outside of your experience, like the difference of being told what it was like growing up in another country without going there yourself. Being demisexual like many other things is something you can only experience by being born this way. It makes it very hard to explain to someone who can’t experience it.
I think I understand your original blog post a little better now. I don’t think the people you are talking about in it are demisexual, but label themselves that way due to lack of understanding. In fact I’m willing to bet anyone that claims that they are being oppressed because they are demisexual is not in fact demisexual. Like I mentioned earlier I have felt misunderstood, but never oppressed. I also feel like the misunderstandings started to decrease the more I came to understand and accept myself. I actually consider myself very sexually liberated and feel like the people you are talking in the original post hate me for being so. I know I am missing out on things being demisexual, but I just can’t be with people I’m not attracted to. I know that a lot of people just don’t get it. It’s the same way i don’t get how people are gay or straight. I feel like they are missing out on half of the possibilities. I do however understand that when attraction doesn’t exist you can’t just do it anyway. Being demisexual is just part of who I am, and not a attack on anyone’s sexuality. I know you might not get it, but I’m ok with that. I feel my defence of the word comes from the same place as your original post. I don’t think either of us are fans of sexual repression.
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” I feel like anxiety comes from a feeling of being different or not normal.”
– You are mistaken.
” Understanding what makes you different and being able to explain it to others promotes this acceptance and lowers your own stress and anxiety levels. Any number of things can make you feel different not just sexuality.”
– And again you disassociate from your own experiences.
“Even being the only kid with glasses can be mentally damaging.”
– Only if your parents hated you when you were an infant.
“Understanding and acceptance are excellent tools for maintaining good mental heath.”
– Interiorization and acceptance of trauma is a road to diseases, depression, and misery.
“Being demisexual like many other things is something you can only experience by being born this way.”
– Of course, it’s easier to zombify yourself with these mantras than to do something to address your very serious issues.
“I actually consider myself very sexually liberated”
– Having sex against your will is sexually liberating?
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Hello. My name is Ellie and I would like tell you what demisexuality is because this post is wrong. Demisexual are not “only able to desire sexually people whose personalities they like and with whom they want to have a romantic relationship.” Demisexualse sexual can only bly attracted to people they have a strong emotional connection with. It is NOT that we want to wait to have sex with someone untill we get to know them. We are not sexually attracted to those we don’t know so we wouldn’t desire sex with them at all. Secondly ” these are people who are suffering from a sexual problem. They expect their sexuality to service their social needs which” This is just false.It’s not a sexual problem it’s a sexual orientaion. Next “To be a “demisexual” you have got to be a person who has interiorized the idea that sex is bad and dirty and who needs to justify his or her sexual desires as being at the service of some socially acceptable goal (e.g. finding a stable relationship.) Such people deserve our compassion whether or not they make idiots out of themselves by claiming to be oppressed” First of all to be a demisexual you sexual can only bly attracted to people you have a strong emotional connection with. That is the only requirment. Secondly as a demisexual myself I can tell you that I do not see sex as bad or dirty. And I don’t feel the need to justify my sexual desires or actions. Also we do not make idiots out of ourselves claiming to be oppressed. We claim to be oppressed because of post like this. This post tried to tell me my sexuality isn’t real. How is that not oppressive? Also their are people who say that we just want to be “special snowflakes” and made up and entire sexuality to be special. Again how is that not oppresive? Finally “The problem with treating them compassionately, however, is that such folks with stunted sexualities are extremely likely to act as an oppressive force. These are the people who have fits of hysteria when they realize that others might be having sex just for the sake of enjoyment. Anti-choicers, anti-contraception folks, anti-pornography and anti-masturbation crowd – these are all people who have stunted their own sexualities and hate everybody else for not doing the same.” Demisexuality is not a stunted sexuality. I have never had a fit of hysteria. Execept that one time I forgot about a project that was over half of my grade and it was due the next day. I do not care that people are having sex for enjoyment. I believe that people should have sex for enjoyment. I am pro-choice, pro-contraception, I don’t care if you watch porn, I don’t care if you masturbate. And yes I am demisexual. Also some demisexuals watch porn and some don’t. Some demisexal masturbate and some don’t. Demisexuals don’t have to be ” Anti-choicers, anti-contraception folks, anti-pornography and anti-masturbation” They can be just like everyone else can be. Again not a stunted sexuality. We do not hate those who are not the same as us. That would be mean. What we don’t like though is people telling us we don’t exist and making assumptions with no factual basis and posting it on the internet. Also here is a tip for the future if you are gonig to bash something on the internet you should at least look into what it actually is.
-Ellie your heplful demisexual
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Sweetie, if you feel oppressed by a random online post, you need to see a psychiatrist soon. Your comment sounds entirely deranged.
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I hope you know how much you have offended people. I mean any time you don’t know much about something you look into it…then you ask a polite questions about it rather than slander it like its the worst thing in the world. Demisexuality in my opinion, is the only real sexuality that truly makes any sense. If you can have a good sexual relationship with a stranger hey, more power to you, but to my mind to be comfortable doing things with another person I have to know that I can trust them. To me trust is the most important thing in a sexual relationship. I honestly tend to avoid them though myself so I kinda say I’m sexually grey. (If no one has explained this please someone explain greysexual or better yet look it up for yourself urban dictionary may have the easiest definition… Even a 11 year old could understand it) …It doesn’t mean I feel like I have to be this way or I don’t enjoy it …infact I’m quite happy with the way I am. And personally I know that I am alright. Why? Because my parents were very acceptable when my aunt confessed to being a lesbian and where the same way when my brother came out as bisexual (true he was lying but regardless they accepted it) point is. Demisexuality asexuality and…well any sexuality is not built by opression. If you understand sexuality as a whole there are plenty of HEALTHY ways to look at it. And if someone is thinking differently than you doesn’t make it wrong… It only makes it different. It sounds to me by reading this that you either
1 Wrote this to deliberately attack a group of people
2. You looked up stereotypes rather than the full ideas
3. You were trying to learn and took some rather offensive or inappropriate guesses on it and well have learned now.
I hope personally that this is the case because whenever I see any sexuality attacked by ignorance or bigotry it makes me more sad than mad because the person who could have or has offended several people, and has basically made themselves into a target for hate mail. I’m not sending this out of hatred, rather out of a respective suggestion… Next time you make something on your blog that is about something like this …leave it at “I have heard about this does anyone have an understanding of this?” Because taking wild guesses or saying some of the things that you can pull off the Google “I’m feeling lucky” page that pulls up isn’t always right. And that goes for anything.
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Connecting sex to trust is a sign of unhealthy sexuality. It reminds me of when I couldn’t eat with people unless I trusted them. That was an eating disorder and I underwent treatment for it. Now I’m healthy and can perform the physiological function of digestion in a healthy way. Good luck to you with finding a way to making your physiological functioning healthy.
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I love these blasts from the past. I feel the blog was a lot more combative back then. It’s time for another breastfeeding/Israel-Palestine/Co-sleeping/Choice Feminism/Housewife/Homeschooling foodfight!
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Yes, I need to find me someone new to despise, asap. 🙂
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// Yes, I need to find me someone new to despise, asap.
Clarissa, on this very thread you have written:
// Autism? Anxiety? Depression? Divorce? Suicidal ideation? I have explanations for all of these issues. Should I just conceal them for fear that others might disagree? Or avoid sharing the insights I have gleaned by making constant disclaimers about how this is just me and nobody else should pay any attention? This is not a rhetorical question. I’m really interested. I’ve been avoiding blogging about these things precisely because I know that my insights will enrage people.
and also
// There are a few other topics that I’m not even mentioning tangentially because I know there will be drama.
I am sure quite a few people would be interested to read about depression, anxiety and divorce. And I am curious what those “a few other topics” are, if you remember that now, of course.
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“Connecting sex to trust is a sign of unhealthy sexuality. It reminds me of when I couldn’t eat with people unless I trusted them. That was an eating disorder and I underwent treatment for it. Now I’m healthy and can perform the physiological function of digestion in a healthy way. Good luck to you with finding a way to making your physiological functioning healthy.”
I fail to see how feeling sexually attracted to someone before you can trust them is healthy. If you feel differently than maybe our definition of healthy is different. I think that your thoughts are a little bit too generalized. And I fail to see a connection to anorexia and demisexuallity or asexuality. My only question now is what is your opinion of homosexuality too because if it’s as close minded and “something is wrong with you ” towards this I would not be surprised if it’s the same way about homosexuality.
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“I fail to see how feeling sexually attracted to someone before you can trust them is healthy.”
“My only question now is what is your opinion of homosexuality too because if it’s as close minded and “something is wrong with you ” towards this I would not be surprised if it’s the same way about homosexuality.”
The best thing one can do to start developing a healthy sexuality is to divorce it of all forms of magical thinking and see it as a normal manifestation of human physiology. If you wouldn’t say something about eating, sleeping, breathing or excreting, then you shouldn’t be saying it about sexuality. Start using this yardstick, and you will see how much more clear everything becomes.
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To the last thing you said… I never said homosexuality is built upon trust. If you actually read the words that I wrote you would have gathered that. I mearly meant to say as I did say before. I feel like an initial or immediate attraction is not what I get! It is a great deal of time before a sexual attraction kicks in. I Don’t mean to say that it is directly built upon trust, though trust is essential to help me feel safe and willing to. But I think knowing the person and being able to trust them helps you feel more attached to them. That is how I see it. It’s not like its souly trust that is where my fault at wording was I suppose.
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Buddy, why don’t you take all this to a sexologist? All the problems you list can be addressed with a specialist.
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Can’t we all just get along? If a person wants to say they are one thing you disagree can’t an opinion be left silent? Can one just agree to disagree? Or is this not the way of humanity? If you stur up ideas which can cause a fight ignore those who try, if you say stuff uneducatedly and someone tries to educate and you genuinely don’t care don’t talk to them, don’t listen and don’t ask about it. Don’t bring up topics you don’t care about. Is that too difficult? I am indifferent about all sexual preferences (except for people who call themselves Pedsexuals or pedosexuals they need help) so I feel like if someone wants to call themselves this and they deffend themselves then let them and if they provoke you then that’s your fault for continuing an argument. Jesus, this was made in 2012 people? Why is it in 2015 people still care what this person said to offend or reach out for knowledge of you? Honestly shame on all of y’all.
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So you are trying to prevent me from expressing my opinions on my own blog? Are you also in the habit of approaching strangers in the street and yelling at them, “Just shut up already”?
Also, WTF is “pedsexuals”??
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