Zero Takers

Our university pairs established academics with early-career colleagues who need mentorship. I offered my services in how to become a successful research scholar in the Humanities while working at our university, with its high teaching load, low resources, non-existent institutional reputation, and no library to speak of. From my CV it’s obvious that I cracked the code and know how to do it. Our research requirements for tenure are so low as to border on none. I can’t advise people on how to do just enough research to get tenure. I honestly have no idea. It’s like being a little bit pregnant. Impossible. I don’t know how to publish one article in 3 years. But I do know how to publish at least 3 every year. It’s actually a lot easier, believe it or not.

Do you know how many people were interested in my proposal?

Zero.

Not even out of curiosity did anybody agree to participate. This is the only reason why I don’t like my university. It’s a place for people who are anti-research. And an academic who doesn’t have an active and busy research agenda either needs to develop an overwhelmingly absorbing hobby or become bitter, neurotic, and perennially angry.

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