He’s in Ukrainian Army
she’s in Territory Defence
only a month ago
they were kissing in metro
crossing
squares and Dnipro
kyiv’s quiet
safely gut.
She’s putting on
army belt and boots
assault vest
hiding her tiny flesh
heavy arms are on her
and tactical stuff
awaiting for silence
and night.
He’s putting on
army boots and vest
sky is clear
like of nylon
wind wildly long
a thing is known by the crow
there is a forest bow
where the enemy might hide.
The guys are in village
holding the line
he reloads
the chamber with cartridge
and leaves the field
walking to the plateau
the apostle Peter
is awaiting us all.
He’s in Ukrainian Army
she’s in Territory Defence
And here is the original:
Він в ЗСУ
вона в ТРО
місяць тому
цілувались в метро
перетинали
площі й Дніпро
києва тихе
спокійно нутро.
Вона одягає
піксель і берці
розгрузка ховає
малесенькі плечі
на ній важка зброя
тактичні речі
чекає на тишу
і на вечір.
Він одягає
берці і броник
небо прозоре
наче з капрону
вітер нестямний
знає щось ворон
можливо у лісі
ховається ворог.
Хлопці в селі
трима оборону
він досилає
у патронник патрон
і виходить із поля
іде на плато
чекає на наших
апостол Петро.
Він в ЗСУ
вона в ТРО.
Clarissa's Blog 
Wow, wonderful and powerful poem, terrific translation, and you are right about the rhyming. – Bob
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Thank you! I hope the publishers get it and go with my version.
The other poems look downright Google-translated.
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It bothers me when people mess up the rhyme or meter for the same of a “literal” translation. The rhyme and meter are just as integral to a poem as the specific words, if not more so.
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Exactly. The original rhymes, so why should we treat the poem like a text message and get rid of the actual poetry part?
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“The original rhymes, so why should we treat the poem like a text message”
My ideal for poetry is more than one translation. One more literal (while still sounding like poetry in the target language) not worrying about meter and rhyme and one that matches meter and rhyme (and the general sense though literal meanings might be lost).
But this seems to be a minority view….
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I love rhyme. For me, if it doesn’t rhyme and tell a story, I can’t enjoy it.
I hope Jonathan isn’t reading it because he’ll think I’m very primitive. And so I am in what concerns poetry.
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Oh, you would *love* the wonderful world of people trying to translate Orthodox music into English from Greek 😀
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“Under the break (or on page 2 in some browsers), I placed the original translation”
I’m not seeing that….
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Under the post, there are little figures 1, 2. Press 2. I’m really eager to see what you think of the initial translation.
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“eager to see what you think of the initial translation”
Does not have your flair and very weird choices ‘gut’ ‘stuff’… I don’t mind literal translations but it still needs to feel like poetry and it…. doesn’t and things that might be acceptable if it did sound like poetry (wonky articles) just stand out as all the more awkward…
I’m not proud of how long it look me to figure out a cognate of nutro….
I’m very curious about the connotations of particular words in Ukrainian, especially “Хлопці”. “guys” is so inexpressive in English but not sure what else could work….
I absolutely agree with ‘raven’ instead of ‘crow’
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Raven! The literary history behind the word alone makes it worth using.
I waver between Google Translate and a very Ukrainian translator who never heard about the existence of articles. There were six poems altogether, and they all either lacked articles altogether or spread them around in weird ways.
Nutro, though. Nutrition! I just made the connection, and it’s giving me joy.
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I don’t read Ukrainian or understand it but I’d love to hear a reading of the poem. Do you know how to add an audio file to a post?
Amanda
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If people are eager to hear me recite the poem, I’d be happy to do it.
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“If people are eager to hear me recite the poem”
Так, будь ласка.
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