As I shared on this blog recently, my husband was unemployed for two years. During this period of protracted unemployment, I can honestly say that I was the most supportive partner anybody could hope for. I really did myself proud on this one and N. agrees that I was a bedrock of unwavering support to him.
Many people are finding themselves unemployed nowadays, which is why I decided to share my principles of how to offer true support to an unemployed partner (UP, for short).
1. When your partner tells you s/he has been fired, the first impulse is always to say, “I will support you for as long as it takes for you to find a new job.” As understandable as this impulse is, I suggest you resist it. It will be highly counter-productive to make any spur-of-the-moment promises that you might not be able to keep.
So take a moment to consider things rationally and calmly. Evaluate your psychological and financial resources. It’s easy to promise support for “as long as it takes.” But have you really considered how you will handle the situation on the practical level if your partner’s unemployment lasts for 2 years? How about 5 years? How about 15? What if they never find a job? Are you sure that you will not start feeling resentful and overburdened?
Believe me, it is much more honest and helpful to tell your partner that you will be able to support them for a set number of years or months instead of making wild promises based on nothing but emotions of the moment.
2. There will be days, weeks or even months when the UP will not be looking for a job. This does not mean s/he has given up and will never look for a job again. All this means is that your partner is trying to preserve his or her sanity. Job searches are difficult and stressful. Most people can’t face getting rejected and failing at something so important on a daily basis for a long time. If your partner needs to take breaks from active searching for a job, this means s/he is doing what is needed to preserve him or herself psychologically.
3. It is neither helpful nor encouraging to pester the UP with questions about what they have done today in their job search. Sometimes, the UP will want to talk about the job search but sometimes s/he won’t. That’s perfectly normal. If the UP needs a few days, weeks or months when the job search is not discussed, then that’s what they need and you should just accept it.
4. Unemployment is bad. However, it is not the end of the world. The UP will still want to laugh, have an occasional good time, go out, and treat themselves to something nice. This is a lot healthier than sitting around with a tragic face and depriving oneself of anything pleasing.
(To be continued. . .)
Clarissa's Blog 
Good advice, though I would disagree with number 1. When a partner becomes unemployed (and by partner, I’m interjecting married spouse, not the random person you happen to be slipping the ole pickle tickle to at the moment) the last thing they need is the stress of being abandoned while their down. Marriage is for life. Come hell, high water, disease or unemployment.
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Ideally, that’s how things are. And that’s precisely what I told my partner when he lost his job (and we weren’t married yet.) But the statistics shows that an alarming number of people get divorced as a result of unemployment. I think it’s always useful to stop to consider what it will be like 2,5, etc. years down the road. And then offer support from the basis of having imagined that and having measured your psychological, emotional and material capacities. Nothing is worse than relying on somebody and then seeing them unleash their resentments on you.
Such situations are a perfect gauge of whether a relationship is based on something real rather than on the enthusiasm of the moment. Good relationships get stronger as a result of hardship.
I’m into spouting trivialities today, it seems. 🙂
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People get divorced because they don’t want to be married, and look for an excuse. As opposed to wanting to stay married, and find a way to make it work. That’s just my worldview, though. Luckily, one shared by my wife. Or, perhaps that’s the benefit of dating for an extended period (4+yrs) and an 18 month engagement before getting married and becoming ‘one’. We ‘knew’ each other well – something which I find is lacking in a lot of couples now.
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Knowing each other is important but knowing oneself is even more crucial. People change over the course of a lifetime and being ready for that + knowing how to manage these changes productively is very important.
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“Marriage is for life.”
Bullshit!
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Marriage is for life! What a shitty assertion! So a woman should marry a woman-beater for life? (of course, there’s many women whom to be beat by a man is a sexual preference, but it’s not my point…)
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As a divorced person 🙂 I can say that I do agree that it makes no sense to get married if you do not feel like you want to stick with this person permanently.
Of course, nobody should marry abusive people either temporarily or permanently.
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Choose your partner wisely. If you can’t understand that, perhaps you should sit at the children’s table a little longer.
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I found myself nodding and smiling along with all of these, remembering my previous stint in unemployment, which only lasted for four months, but were among the four most depressing months of my life. Ennui and frustration are a deadly cocktail when you’re unemployed (or in a job you hate)
One that I personally always found helpful is to do things together with the unemployed partner to take their mind off it. I was a bit of a slug in between job searches, wanting to just crash on the couch and forget all of the applications I dropped off until I got a phone call, but my friend encouraged me to go hiking with her daily, which was a big booster to my mood and my health. Also, never take up smoking when you’re unemployed, like I did at one point. It depletes your money and makes you even more anxious and irritable, and there are seldom few who want to employ someone who smells like cigarettes.
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I generally agree with this and also your point above, although I’m not for making marriages work that aren’t. I’m right now observing a downright painful marriage – I do not know why these people married in the first place, they bicker and complain about each other so much. One of the spouses is unemployed and keeps criticizing the other one’s job.
So for the unemployed spouses I say be glad you’re married to someone with a job. I also think it’s a good idea to come up with a work like schedule, a structured day, even if it’s structured fun. My brother is also unemployed, moved with a spouse and can’t seem to get a job, is looking but I think also enjoying life, which I of course always recommend (and don’t do enough myself currently).
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” I also think it’s a good idea to come up with a work like schedule, a structured day, even if it’s structured fun.”
-Brilliant advice. N. would start his work day every single day, take a break for lunch and then continue working. I found that very inspiring because I have a hard time working from home and not getting distracted. He, however, would not allow himself to get interrupted by anything (including me :-).
“One of the spouses is unemployed and keeps criticizing the other one’s job”
-I will write a post with advice to the unemployed people. And it will deal exactly with how to avoid this kind of thing.
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I love being reminded to keep this in mind as life goes on. I’m obviously not the same person I was 5 years ago at 17, so why should I think I’ll be the same as I am now 5 years in the future?
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“I love being reminded to keep this in mind as life goes on. I’m obviously not the same person I was 5 years ago at 17, so why should I think I’ll be the same as I am now 5 years in the future?”
-Growing and changing together with the person you love is a lot of fun, too. 🙂
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Not to be a braggart, but I think that since we experienced one very large change together as a couple, we’re going to be pretty good about changing and growing up as a couple as time goes on. I look forward to it.
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“I think that since we experienced one very large change together as a couple, we’re going to be pretty good about changing and growing up as a couple as time goes on”
– You guys are, indeed, dealing with something very major. And it has only made you stronger as a couple and as individuals. This is very inspiring.
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Many so-called “feminists” in Québec would tell you that you should have dumped your partner because he’s a fucking loser…
And if N. was unemployed when you met him???????
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No, he was a grad student when I met him, just like I was. He lost his job while we were dating and we got married right after that.
“Many so-called “feminists” in Québec would tell you that you should have dumped your partner because he’s a fucking loser…”
-Unemployment doesn’t make anybody a loser. But it’s true that many people kept trying to hint to me that I was somehow getting exploited by him.
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For so-called “feminists” in Québec, to be a grad student is one of the worst way to be a loser, they prefer woman beaters like Jean-Guy Tremblay…
“Unemployment doesn’t make anybody a loser. But it’s true that many people kept trying to hint to me that I was somehow getting exploited by him.”
And that’s what the pro-capitalist so-called “feminists” in Québec believe.
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” During this period of protracted unemployment, I can honestly say that I was the most supportive partner anybody could hope for.”
Yeah… Just make sure you don’t dislocate your elbow when you pat yourself on the back 😀
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“Just make sure you don’t dislocate your elbow when you pat yourself on the back”
– It’s OK, I’ve had a lot of practice. 🙂
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I also found myself nodding along to a lot of these as I read them. Before my husband and I got married last year there was very real possibility that we would be going into our marriage with him unemployed. Luckily that was not the case, but I was preparing myself just in case.
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