The Internet informed me that marijuana lowers blood sugar. I don’t feel tempted, though, because I hear that prison food is really bad for diabetics.

“Gestational diabetes gives you between a 25% to 60% chance of getting Type II diabetes after you give birth,” the diabetician says. “Remember that Type II diabetes is incurable. It can lead to many very serious complications, such as loss of vision or gangrened limbs that might have to be amputated. How is your vision? Still good? For now, it is. What? You say you have no gangrened limbs just yet? Ha ha, you are funny!

Heart disease and stroke are the main causes of death and disability for people with Type II diabetes. For somebody like you, who already has high blood pressure, this can shorten your life span significantly. And you want to stay alive for the next 20 years because this child will need to be raised.

Gestational diabetes can lead to premature delivery and birth defects. Here are some pictures of premature babies and babies with birth defects. Well, you can’t get these from gestational diabetes, but they do look scary, huh?

So make sure you measure your blood sugar 5 times a day, follow the diet I suggested, and most importantly, remember, NO STRESS. High stress raises your blood sugar levels. Actually, let’s take a measurement right now. Hmm, the blood sugar seems kind if high. Is it something you ate for breakfast?”

I downloaded the What to Expect app and it automatically subscribed me to daily emails from What to Expect bullies. Each email has a scary title like “Swollen Feet”, “Heartburn”, “Tooth Loss.” What is more likely to enhance a pregnancy than to wake up to an email reminding you of everything that is likely to go wrong?

As for my own symptoms, on top of every single one I’ve had before, I now started sprouting gray hairs. This means that I need to contemplate coloring my hair and that’s very scary. I love my natural hair color because every strand is colored differently. But the natural color has chosen to abandon me.

I will arrive at childbirth as an ancient old wreck: toothless, gray-haired, diabetic, and apoplectic. People will tell me my grandson is very cute.

My colleague is very outspoken and always says exactly what she wants to say in a very direct and loud way. This is my favorite kind of people because everything is always out in the open with them.

“So how old exactly are you?” the colleague asks.

“Thirty-seven.”

“You are really getting over the hill,” the colleague remarks completely seriously. “Don’t worry, though, you still have time to squeeze in a couple kids after this one.”

“What? What did I say?” the colleague asks after I collapse in laughter.

 

Huh?

As the resident authority on narcissists, I can assure everybody that they can have iron-clad marriages if they find a partner with a corresponding neurosis. This means that their likelihood of having an unbreakable marriage is exactly as high as anybody else’s.

Narcissists also make the best bloggers. The habit of being highly attentive to the minutest details of one’s existence and feeling the need to share them with the world is obviously very narcissistic. And, of course, I’m not saying this from any sort of personal experience. 🙂