Americanization

I constantly oscillate between “wow, I’m completely Americanized, that’s so cool” and “shit, I’ll never figure out this country, I’m a total alien.”

I not only understand the expression “a cereal-for-dinner kind of person” but it’s now actually a great pleasure of mine to experiment with cereals at night. I’m completely Americanized!

Nothing seems more natural to me than buying The Atlantic and The National Review together but people have a very weird reaction. This is hopeless, I’ll never get it!

I recently understood a Star Wars joke. And it was funny! I laughed! I’m completely Americanized!

I’m not getting the Junot Diaz controversy. It feels like it’s easier to learn another language than to figure it out. This is hopeless, I’ll never get it!

I wore yoga pants to the store. And I loved it. I’m completely Americanized!

The lady at the park is asking if Klara likes chocolate milk. What’s chocolate milk? Does she mean milk chocolate? This is hopeless, I’ll never get it!

I bought underwear at Walmart. And it’s really good. I’m completely Americanized!

I decided to be frugal and clip coupons. But the coupon sheet seemed more confusing than a medieval Castilian chronicle. This is hopeless, I’ll never get it!

The best lunches I ever had happen in my office and there’s a lot of pushing around of the keyboard involved. I’m completely Americanized!

When I tell people I’m going on a beach vacation for three weeks, they look stunned and keep repeating, “how long?? But why??” This is hopeless, I’ll never get it!

And it goes on and on.

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10 thoughts on “Americanization”

  1. Here’s a quick, giveaway test as to whether you’ve become a real american or not.
    QUICK, WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT, HOLD UP THREE FINGERS!

    GO AHEAD! TRY IT IMMEDIATELY, WITHOUT DOING ANY ANALYSIS ABOUT IT FIRST!

    If you automatically held up your first,second, and third actual fingers while you folded your thumb down over your pinkie finger, you’ve definitely internalized American behavior.

    If you automatically held up your thumb and first two fingers to show three digits while folding your third and pinkie fingers down over your palm, you’re still stuck with the old country instincts!

    (This test works every time! I occasionally pull it on my friends in the The local Austrian Society of Arizona.)

    SO HOW’D YOU DO, LADY? 🙂

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  2. “held up your thumb and first two fingers to show three digits”

    People who know American Sign Language are also liable to hold up the thumb index and middle fingers.

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    1. “People who know American Sign Language are also liable to hold up the thumb index and middle fingers.”

      -This. I used to get so confused when people hold up the three middle because it means “six” in ASL.

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  3. Any time you feel like you’re not getting the American culture, just tell yourself it’s down to your unique, quirky individuality, and then you’ll be 100% American!

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  4. My 5 yr old son asked me about chocolate milk just yesterday and for a good 5 minutes I thought he was talking about hot chocolate.

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