The mystery of Amanda Trenfield is easy to solve. Its name is menopause. I wish somebody had told the poor woman about it before she made a total asshole out of herself. She’ll be meeting these “soulmates” every 15 minutes for the better part of a decade now.

All of the information out there and people still exist in an almost childish state of pristine ignorance.

I want to publicly apologize to a friend who kept telling me McConnell was purposefully sabotaging Republicans in exchange for a Chinese bribe and I laughed. I don’t know about the bribe part but the rest seems spot-on. Sorry, friend, you were right, and I was naive.

Instead of a red wave in November, we’ll be lucky to eke out a tiny win in the House and nothing at all in the Senate.

It’s ok, though. There are still several months for the Republican leadership to get us all to a resounding defeat.

One thing that is massively cheaper here in Canada is hair salons. I went to a really chic one with my mother and ended up with some fancy stylist who just happened to be there. And for three different specialists (yes, three specialists for two heads of hair. We are a hairy bunch) I paid a really modest amount compared to what I do back in rural Illinois.

No, this is not my mother. This is me. Forget the face and observe the hair. If you know what my hair looks like naturally, you’ll realize that this is a miracle.

There! I said something good about Canada.

To add yet another joyful experience to my visit, I got a call from a Canadian government agency.

“Hi, I’m calling to ask if you are fulfilling the conditions of your quarantine.”

“Nope.”

“Are you aware you are supposed to quarantine?”

“Nope.”

“Were you told you needed to quarantine for 14 days at the customs and border control?”

“Nope.”

“Did you go through the customs and border control when you arrived in Canada?”

“Yep.”

“Did you show them your ArriveCan receipt?”

“Yep.”

“And your vaccination card and negative COVID test?”

“Yep.”

“And what did they say?”

“They said ‘welcome to Canada!'”

“Oh.”

It’s all true. I don’t know what glitched with those people and I can’t be assed to care. I’m confident they’ll figure out if I needed to quarantine by the end of the decade, so let’s hold out for a sequel.