I don’t want to be writing this post because it’s very painful but I’m getting emails from people who experienced a similar loss, asking for help and advice, and I do want to help. I think it will be good for me to do it.
I have experienced a horrible tragedy. My son Eric died in utero five days before the due date. No medical reason has been found for this. The doctors say it’s just something that happens. I have met several women who have had the same loss, and there is nothing we have in common other than this tragedy. We are all of different ages, different body types, different health histories, different ethnic origins. It just happens.
My doctor tells me that 100 years ago, a woman would get pregnant between 20 and 25 times in her lifetime. 30% of pregnancies would end in miscarriage, 30% would end in stillbirth, and 30% of babies would die in infancy. Somehow, it really helped me to hear this, so I’m sharing it with you.
There were four pre-existing conditions, so to speak, that helped me deal with the loss better than I would have otherwise:
1. As you know, I’m religious, so the question of “Why me? Why did it have to happen?” did not visit me at all.
2. I’d been undergoing psychoanalysis, which makes me very resilient to everything.
3. I’m surrounded by some really brilliant people who know exactly what to say to help.
4. I have the best husband in the world.
Here are some of the things I did to help myself absorb the loss. These are obviously non-prescriptive because everybody is different. I’m simply sharing.
I decided to fill the time that I had been hoping to dedicate to the baby with projects and activities. I learned to drive, started going to the gym, bought a house, got into home decoration, began a new research project. The day after I got out of the hospital, my sister and I sat down and created an Excel file with a detailed plan of everything I was going to do to get better. The process of making this plan was very helpful. Doing something future-oriented helped a lot.
I also chose not to indulge my need for avoidance. I live in a very small town, and if I’d started avoiding every bus driver, secretary, shop assistant, hairdresser, etc. who’d seen me pregnant and was going to ask cheerfully, “So did you give birth to your baby?”, I’d go nuts. So I pretty much forced myself to go to all the places where I’d be recognized and face the situation. Of course, there were always the unexpected instances of people stopping their cars to yell, “So how is the baby?” The unexpected has been the worst, especially since this was a tragedy of the “entirely unexpected” variety, and now every unanticipated moment of pain brings me back into it.
My identity is built on the idea of me being powerful and indomitable and, as I said, I take enormous pride in not turning my tragedy into the bane of everybody else’s existence. I always hated people who crucify others on the cross that is solely theirs to bear, and now I hate them even more.
About depression. I hope everybody here realizes that depression is not caused by the horrible things that happens to us. The horrible things trigger a condition that is already there. If one has a tendency towards depressive episodes, it is crucial to get treated before anything tragic occurs. Because after it occurs (and it’s the nature of the human condition that we experience loss and misery), a person will have a lot less energy to resist the depressive episode. Even if one doesn’t think he or she has depressive tendencies, psychological hygiene is crucial. There are moments in our lives (such as, major change, menopause/andropause, illness, childbirth, etc.) when our energy gets depleted and we need really good psychological health to withstand the trauma.
It’s OK to ask questions.
Clarissa's Blog 
I admire your frankness about your tragedy so much. I hope it helps others who have experienced loss as well.
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Thank you, my friend!
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Thank you for sharing both your pain and your strength.
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I’m grateful for the support of my wonderful blog readers.
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Thank you for writing this. There’s a lot of good advice in this act of courage. I hope writing it was more healing than not.
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Yes, actually it was good for me to get it out.
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Thank you for writing this. That last paragraph on depression was helpful. I’ve been struggling to accept my own depression, and your interpretation makes a lot of sense.
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People often feel very guilty when they get depressed for no obvious “reason.” They think, “Here I am, suffering so badly when everything is objectively good in my life. What’s wrong with me?” Some people get depressed after really good things happen to them. And what they need to realize (and stop feeling guilty) is that the depression was already there. It was simply triggered by the events or anything, pretty much.
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Thanks for writing this. Last year in June I had a miscarriage (it was an unwanted pregnancy from tragic circumstances) that alienated me from my body and filled me with a great deal of tragic, ambiguous emotions. I’ve been grappling with how it made me feel about my body, and the idea to fill my time with new activities is really helpful, as the anniversary of the pregnancy and miscarriage approaches.
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Anniversaries are important. I do something to commemorate every month. It’s still a monthly thing for me.
You are a survivor. I admire you!
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Fuck yes, Clarissa. You kick ass. I’m not condemning anyone else who doesn’t deal with adversity as well as you do, but jeez. This is the most impressive thing I’ve read in quite a while.
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Thank you, Jonathan! I love both the form and the content of this comment. 🙂
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Hell yes. A completely spontaneous response on my part.
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I really appreciated reading this. And I feel honored that you are sharing this part of yourself with your readers.
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This is a beautiful post, both in what you say and how you say it. I have not experienced a similar tragedy. [My one miscarriage was at ten weeks, and I already had one little child.] But your courage and fortitude are also applicable to the many other sorts of tragedies each of us will undoubtedly face if we live long enough, and what you have written should help many people struggling to survive a comparable loss.
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Thank you, dear Nina!
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My daughter-in-law has lost two. One was similar to your experience; in the other, the doctor reversed a decision to do a C-section, and while waiting, the placenta ruptured nearly killing the mother as well. I’m much more cynical about medical professionals now than used to be.
Did you doc share the statistics on the death of mothers in childbirth 100 years ago. Women would only get pregnant 20 to 25 times if they lived that long. According to the CDC, in 1900, for ever 1,000 live births, 100 children died before reaching age 1 and 6-9 mothers died giving birth.
Another researcher has shown me studies indicating that a “normal” grieving process takes about 18 months. It’s not clear that this can be shortcut, or if it is really healthy to do so. The loss need not be debilitating but cannot be ignored.
My condolences to you.
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“One was similar to your experience; in the other, the doctor reversed a decision to do a C-section, and while waiting, the placenta ruptured nearly killing the mother as well.”
– Oh God, how horrible. I’m so, so sorry. In terms of medical professionals, my current doctor is saying that all of this is so much of a mystery still that it scares patients when they find out.
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Thank you for writing and sharing this.
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Hey, I’ve missed you. What’s new? Are you ever on facebook?
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I promise I will send you a long message in which I will explain my silence. Let us say that I have not been a good friend lately.
I am never on FB. A couple of months ago FB began to annoy me seriously.
I miss you too.
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You are always a great friend, please don’t worry. Let’s talk soon.
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You can’t just get over a loss like that, but the pain somehow gets gentler over time. Just hang in there, kid.
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Yes, you are right. Only time can alleviate somewhat.
Thank you!
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I disappeared myself from blog-life in general for a whole bunch of months and have only recently begun to plug myself in again–I am so sorry to hear of your tragedy, and so in admiration of your strength and determination to not only move through this pain but to share your story as you do.
You’re pretty amazing. 🙂
I can only add my voice to the others who have said “thank you for writing this.”
–J
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You’re inspiring 🙂 Your resilience is inspiring.
About the depression – when you say the tendencies towards it or the condition are already there, what are your thoughts about why it’s there?
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Clarissa, you and others who had the same experience might be interested in Andrew Philip’s poetry collection “The Ambulance Box,” which has quite a few poems in response to his son’s death a few hours after he was born.
http://www.saltpublishing.com/shop/proddetail.php?prod=9781844717620
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