I understand that there are people who were born and lived their whole lives in different circumstances than the ones available to me. I don’t begrudge them the existence where they have no idea what it means to worry about making a living, to be terrified by mounting credit card debt, to know that a third of all hours in every day belongs not to you but to your employer, to structure your life around the knowledge that between such and such hours you have to be at work no matter what else – illness, bereavement, exhaustion, the concert of your favorite band – is happening in your life.
I understand such people exist and I have even grown to accept that there is no way to live my life without coming into contact with them.
What drives me nuts is that such people don’t even try to understand the reality of those of us who know the words “I have to.”
Example. I tell yet another prospective nanny that I teach for a living. I have to be in the classroom every Monday and Wednesday at 11 am no matter what.
“Oh yes,” she says, “I understand.”
Three minutes later, she reveals to me that she is pregnant and due in October.
“Jessica,” I say hopelessly. “As I said, from August until early December I HAVE TO be in the classroom every Monday and Wednesday at 11 am no matter what.”
“I know,” she responds. “I get it.”
“And when you are giving birth and then recovering, you wouldn’t be able to help me, would you?”
“Oh, that’s OK,” she says happily. “I will come back to work a few weeks after giving birth.”
By this point, the desperation I feel gives way to rage that locks up my throat and makes my blood pressure almost take off the top of my skull.
“But I have to be in the classroom every Monday and Wednesday,” I repeat robotically.
Jessica stares at me with an incomprehension that could not be deeper if I had suddenly addressed her in Ukrainian. She sincerely fails to udnerstand what the problem is.
I have now had this conversation hald a dozen of times. It’s not always pregnancy. In one case it was a beauty pageant. In another, a visit to Las Vegas. It’s great that people are giving birth, participating in pageants, and going to Vegas. What would make me really happy, though, is to see one of them lose the blank stare for a moment and say, “Oh, wait, if you need me to be here every week from August to December, then I can’t help you.”
That would be such a beautiful instance of mutual comprehension.
Clarissa's Blog 
I think you’re running straight into the idea that child care jobs are “flexible”.
I have now had this conversation hald a dozen of times. It’s not always pregnancy. In one case it was a beauty pageant. In another, a visit to Las Vegas. It’s great that people are giving birth, participating in pageants, and going to Vegas. What would make me really happy, though, is to see one of them lose the blank stare for a moment and say, “Oh, wait, if you need me to be here every week from August to December, then I can’t help you.”
Wait, how much time did they say a beauty pageant and a visit to Las Vegas entail?
The pregnant lady is ridiculous in expecting that you’d hold open a part time childcare job for a month for her to come back to, from the beginning, before she’s even proven what a great nanny she is.
Maybe it’s not clear that the hours are really really fixed? Often employers are more flexible than stated about certain requirements. I think you’re running straight into the idea that”childcare jobs are flexible.” At least they’re telling you about their prior commitments instead of springing the “woops, my beauty pageant/Vegas trip/pregnancy” on you later. Often people plan things well before they go job hunting. Would it make it easier or less aggravating if they stated their prior commitments beforehand and asked “Is this going to be a problem?” If I did that, I would expect some kind of answer in response.
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“The pregnant lady is ridiculous in expecting that you’d hold open a part time childcare job for a month for her to come back to, from the beginning, before she’s even proven what a great nanny she is.”
Also, I realy find it interesting how little people know about the process of giving birth and the consequences thereof. I was an absolute wreck for at least 6 weeks after giving birth and not because of the c-section. I had tons of post-partum symptoms that took a while to go away. It’s normal not to be able to squeeze out a baby and then get up and run straight back to your regular life. Especially when you are not an athletic 20-year-old. I wish people relized that there are physical, emotional and psychological consequences to giving birth. How do you know you won’t get post-partum depression, mastitis, post-partum pre-eclampsia, hemorrhoides from pushing, or anything else from a large range of symptoms? Or several at once.
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When our children were toddlers and my wife and I were both working, she used to leave them with a “day care specialist” (a lady who advertised in the newspaper that she’d provide childcare in the safety of her house). I remember one morning dropping off our kids to the house, and I spotted her husband lurking behind the house, watching me and smoking a cigarette.
Off topic, but Surma the Ukrainian Shop has apparently closed in NYC:
http://vanishingnewyork.blogspot.com/2016/05/surma-ukrainian-shop.html
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“Surma the Ukrainian Shop has apparently closed in NYC”
Oh, how sad! 😦 I always wanted to visit but never got to do it.
“When our children were toddlers and my wife and I were both working, she used to leave them with a “day care specialist” (a lady who advertised in the newspaper that she’d provide childcare in the safety of her house).”
This is precisely why taking the baby to somebody else’s house is the last option I’ll explore. I’ll do the traditional licensed daycare first. I’m not criticizing your decision in any way but I’m not comfortable with this option.
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Neither was I. The man gave me the creeps. The lady seemed nice, but I didn’t like the whole setup. My wife and I had some arguments over it (she’d never seen the husband), and eventually we ended up paying someone to come to our house.
Now our children are old enough to hire daycare providers for us, so “problem solved” I suppose…
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“Now our children are old enough to hire daycare providers for us, so “problem solved” I suppose…”
That’s what my husband and I tell ourselves to stay calm in the midst of the situation: one day, Klara will be hiring carers for us, so we’ll have our revenge. 🙂
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It’s great that people are giving birth, participating in pageants, and going to Vegas.
All 3 at once would be especially impressive.
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“All 3 at once would be especially impressive.”
A pageant in Vegas where one takes bets one how fast she will be able to squeeze out a baby. 🙂
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Non-academics see the flexibility we have in our summer/break schedules and completely don’t get the complete lack of flexibility during the academic year that is the other side of that.
I had a conversation with someone this weekend in which I bemoaned the very high cost of the plane ticket for my upcoming (mostly work related) trip to Europe this summer. He then started telling me about how he had gotten a fantastic deal on a flight in October and how much cheaper it is to go to Europe in the fall. It is indeed much cheaper to go in the fall, but going to Europe for two weeks in October is not an option for me, I have classes to teach.
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People are always shocked to find out that I have to work in summer even though I don’t get paid and how much I have to work. You are right, most people don’t udnerstand how our schedules function.
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I was married to a cleric for twenty years and people would to say to me how lucky I was to have a spouse who only worked on Sundays. They didn’t consider that she was out at parish meetings most evenings of the week plus weddings on Saturdays and sermon/service preparation during the week days as well as various diocesan administration / interdenominational groups to attend weekdays.
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It might be time to consider daycare 2-3 days a week. You don’t have to keep Klara there all day.
La Petite Academy and KinderCare chains have centers everywhere, and some are really well run (others not so much), but for a few hours a week you should be set.
My younger two started daycare at 4 and 3 months, respectively, and it’s been no big deal. Kids enjoy other kids.
Good luck!
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That is what I was going to say.
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Churches also often run daycares — you don’t have to be a member of the church, or religious, even, to put your kid in one. We used the Methodists when we lived in North Carolina, who were very nice, and not at all Jesus-y.
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